THE APPRENTICE 3: WEEK ONE

By: B -- 1/21/05

The Apprentice franchise is in grave danger of wearing out its welcome. After all, it’s been only a couple months since Kelly was crowned “Less Annoying Than Jennifer” on the second season, but already season number three is beginning. While some viewers may already be turned off due to the market saturation, I’m excited for this installment. It’s the dead of winter, I have nowhere to go and I don’t feel like exercising. Therefore, the WoB will be providing a recap and commentary of every show during season number three.

So what about The Apprentice makes it conducive to a weekly recap? Simple: it’s the only true water cooler show on television right now. Desperate Housewives is too easy, The Simpsons is too smart and, take it from me, trying to discuss Battle of the Sexes will quickly show your immaturity. The Apprentice is the best sure-fire water cooler show since infinitely-better Seinfeld. Go ahead and deny the allure of boardroom clashes and high-school cattiness – just know you’ll be alone at your desk Friday morning while the rest of us are discussing the goings-on over coffee. Even if you don’t enjoy the show, watch it for the conversation. Come on in, the water’s warm.

The first show begins with Donald Trump informing the 18 candidates what the viewers already know: that the teams will be divided by a “Book Smarts” team, which is full of college graduates, and a “Street Smarts” team, which is full of high-school educated morons (kidding – we all know a college degree doesn’t guarantee success, which makes this idea seem exaggerated). The “exemption rule” for the project manager remains for this season, which states that the project manager from the winning team is granted one week of immunity from being fired.

The first task involves running a Burger King franchise in Manhattan for a day. Each team has to choose a specific sandwich and build a promotion around it, and the winning team is decided upon the highest sales for that particular sandwich.

The charismatic John claims he should be the project manager for the high school grads, who’ve named themselves Net Worth (inspired from the fact that they make three times the money of their college-educated competitors, as reported by Trump). John comes off strong, sort of like the Curt Schilling of the team. He’s louder than the rest and commands attention at all times. He is no doubt charming, but at the beginning it seems he could also trend toward the dominating and manipulative.

Todd, an absolute bore who looks like he’s storing nuts in his mouth for winter, offers himself up as project manager of the aptly-named Magna. He says he’s excited, but actually looks like he’s carrying a load in his pants. This is not a good sign for the bookworms.

But the real story coming from Magna is Danny, a grown-up hippie who wears leisure suits at all times. He’s the quirky one -- the guy who whips out his guitar and makes up silly songs that aren’t funny, the guy that makes sure every single thing he does is different. He’s a high school nerd who hasn’t gotten over the fact that he’s not interesting. Obviously, Danny is grating from the beginning. Nevertheless, his cheerleader persona wins him the job as head of the marketing and promotions for the first task.

The first step for each team is to choose the specific burger they want to sell. Net Worth quickly selects the Western Burger and begins their strategizing. Magna has a tougher call on the burger selection, mainly because no one on the team has an opinion. Finally Verna picks the Three Cheese Angus because she’s a fast food “expert” and that one “looks the best.” Quite strategic.

Net Worth quickly becomes a well-oiled machine under the tutelage of John (who looks somewhat like a thinner Oliver Platt). John is actually an adept, thoughtful leader. The team decides on a Western-themed marketing strategy to match the name of the burger. Two team members dress up as cowboys, and Net Worth also creates a contest promotion that will give one patron a trip for two to Las Vegas. Nothing says “Wild West West” like loose slots and cheap hookers.

Meanwhile, Todd and Danny at Magna are quickly vying for the “worst Apprentice candidate ever” title. Todd enjoys making the “I’m in way over my head” face (like Peyton Manning playing the Patriots) and treating his team members like they’re in kindergarten. “Hey Andy, I’m going to be sitting here taking notes for a while, but I’m on your side through thick and thin, I promise. You’re doing a great job, okay? You are being very helpful.”

Danny is a shining example of the reason level-headed human beings hate hippies. He’s an attention-starved fraud in a costume. Stephanie, a fellow team member, suggests a three-ring circus theme to go along with the three-cheese sandwich, but Danny quickly nixes the idea because, “a circus, in and of itself, is rather boring.” This is the problem with that statement: circuses are not boring. They’re freakish and silly, sure, but they are by no means boring. Danny wants so badly to be different. Everything about him, from his leisure suits to pseudo-mullet to cheerleader personality, scream I refuse to accept that I am a boring person! I will go to every length to convince people that I am unique!

It is obvious how this mission is going to conclude even before the Burger King doors open. The Magna team is full of dull brainiacs. They emit awkward cheers when someone orders their chosen sandwich and exchange uncomfortable nerd high-fives. Todd continues to look like he’s just been bitch-slapped while the rest of the team struggles with the cash register operations.

Danny stands outside the establishment, running what is surely the worst promotion in history. He is wearing alien tentacles and his trademark leisure suit (because it’s funny!) and is harassing passersby to enter BK. He is equipped with his guitar and improvises songs while the pedestrians, no doubt assuming that he’s a street performer, attempt to ignore him.

The Net Worth operation is predictably running much smoother. The team members are displaying subdued excitement and assured sales skills. The Las Vegas trip giveaway goes to a creepy gentleman who looks like he might bring a blow-up doll as his date. Or maybe he’s just deathly afraid of being on camera; either way it’s funny.

The sales totals are released at a very crowded boardroom (tip: The Apprentice starts getting good when everyone has room for a seat in the boardroom. Early in the season the tight quarters force half the competitors to stand). The winning team: Net Worth.

In the first act of the boardroom session, nearly every team member blames Danny. They mention that he was completely distracting, especially his wardrobe. Danny claims that everyone who dresses the same is “a clone.” He claims he is unique, and that his fashion choices are a reflection of his character. A reminder: Danny wears only leisure suits.

Kendra shrewdly points out that Todd was the team leader, and if Danny were that much of a distraction Todd should have been a leader and keep him in check. Todd decides to bring Alex, who was in charge of point-of-sale, and Danny to the boardroom.

It is obvious that either Danny or Todd is going to be sent home. Carolyn, inexplicably dolled-up and losing credibility by the week, attacks Danny, saying she has “never seen a worse promotion, ever.” Danny is clearly in over his head on this one, but I kind of wanted him to stay just because he’s so pathetic. He’s the 2005 version of Melrose Place: after watching him for an hour, I feel so much better about my own life. We need people like Danny to stick around, if only for our own morale. Hey, at least I'm better than that guy!

George calls Danny a “loose cannon,” and The Donald describes him as a disaster. However, The Donald is too smart to fire a train wreck like Danny in the first week – think of next week’s ratings! He quickly fires Todd for failing to take charge of the mission, which was probably the right call.

Possible water cooler topics:

Is Net Worth’s John the early favorite at this season’s Apprentice?

Is Tana this season’s Maria?

Is Verna one of the top Magna team members? The WoB thinks this is possible.

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