APPRENTICE 3: THE LAST PERSON IN AMERICA TO LEARN THAT CHRIS HAS A SHORT FUSE

By: B -- 3/31/05

All week around the water cooler, casual viewers of The Apprentice were eagerly predicting that Chris was going to be fired this week. Their justification came from the preview shown at the end of last week’s episode that shows an irate Chris all up in Alex’s grill.

Experts such as myself (it’s sad, my life) scoffed at the prediction. We are far too wise in the ways of Trump to actually fall for such an obvious insinuation. If the previews suggest that Chris is going home, this tells us he is definitely staying another week. Sadly, it’s that obvious.

Before the mission Trump allows Net Worth – who has two less competitors than Magna – to choose a member of the other team. Net Worth eagerly snaps up the whip-smart Alex in hopes that he’ll lead them to victory.

Week ten’s mission involves each team creating a Domino’s pizza that they will produce and sell during a one-day stint from a mobile unit on the streets of NYC. Bren from Magna and Stephanie from Net Worth each wear the Project Manager cap and lead their team to virtually identical meatball-themed pies.

Magna is mind-numbingly boring throughout the task, which is surprising to exactly no one. They focus their marketing on businesses in the area and are kept busy all day while being perfectly pleasant to each other. Yawn. Tana sums the task up by claiming, “This isn’t rocket scientist.” As a reminder, Tana is from Iowa.

Net Worth appears to be equally busy but is far more excitable. Angie and Stephanie trade barbs but mostly get along, and the hotly-anticipated feud between Alex and Chris is fun to watch, but of course blown way out of proportion. Chris tells Alex to stay up front and do his job, Alex tells Chris to stay out of his business, Chris responds with the standard “Get the fuck out of my face” and everyone moves on. Seems like normal business chit-chat to me, but what do I know.

The “argument” isn’t a big deal until Net Worth finds out they’ve lost the mission. Alex gripes to Stephanie about Chris’ behavior, and she responds in an interview with, “Alex told me that Chris threatened him, and I was shocked,” making it painfully clear how dense she really is. Shocked that Chris has a temper? Shocked that two grown men choose verbal aggression over petty back-talking? Stephanie, exactly how far up your ass is your own head?

Before the boardroom session, Stephanie corners Alex and asks for his help in getting Chris fired. Alex responds coolly but firmly that he will do no such thing and that “it’s every man for himself in the boardroom.” This assertiveness makes him my new favorite.

Despite all that, Stephanie still elects to bring Alex into the final boardroom, obviously still hoping he will help her paint the image that Chris is a loose cannon likely to strangle someone in an upcoming mission.

Alex promptly tells Trump that Stephanie is in way over her head and that he’d much rather work with Chris. Ouch.

Stephanie retorts by stating, “I am a tough woman,” only to follow it up seconds later with a sheepish, “I’m not used to working in tough environments.” Bad idea. Trump attacks her, obviously, but backs off when he notices she doesn’t even attempt to argue. Her jellyfish spine finally earns her the cab ride to middle-management mediocrity. The end.

Episode ten was such a disappointment. The task was far too simple to garner any interesting challenges or setbacks. Since when is selling pizza difficult? The best thing to happen was the ousting of Stephanie. For weeks she has been overmatched in both intelligence and personality, and only made it this far because of her passive nature. Her turn as Project Manager exposed her as a marginally intelligent poseur, and the show (and Net Worth) is better with her gone.

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