APPRENTICE 3: IT TAKES A GENIUS TO DISCOVER THE PROPER USAGE OF INSIDE POCKETS

By: B -- 4/8/05

The Apprentice producers have obviously been trying their damnedest to convince me to stop watching the show. First, it was last week’s extremely boring episode about selling pizza -- quite possibly the easiest job on the planet, this being pizza and all -- and now this week, the most frustrating episode in Apprentice history, the reasons of which I will explain below.

Week 11’s mission consists of each team creating a line of “wearable technology” clothing for American Eagle Outfitters. Each team gets $5k to purchase the electronics, and create the clothing that they’ll ultimately present to two AE executives.

Self-proclaimed metrosexual Alex is quickly granted Project Manager for Net Worth. Alex is the obvious all-star on the team, so this appears to be good news. Angie feels strongly about her desire to lead the presentation, and a toned-down (!!!) Chris takes charge of the finances. Alex is revved up and quickly begins brainstorming several undeniably cool ideas.

Tana, Magna’s Project Manager, heads to an AE store with Kendra to conduct consumer research. They learn the following invaluable nuggets: 1.) Kids like cell phones, 2.) jacket pockets can hold things, and 3.) boys don’t like bulky items in their pants pockets. As they’re leaving the store, Kendra wonders if Net Worth was smart enough to conduct this research, and I wonder how out of touch you have to be to actually consider this information useful.

While Magna’s main setback is their general geekiness, Net Worth’s problem is, sadly, utter incompetence. Chris forgets his credit card at Best Buy and wastes a crucial three hours retrieving it, Alex doles out too many tasks to others and Angie simply shits her pants with apprehension. Like most previous weeks, Net Worth’s task quickly becomes a train wreck.

Over in Dullsville, Magna uses their research findings to design what has to be the most boring wearable technology ever created, the most pathetic example being an extra pocket sewn inside a track jacket to hold an mp3 player. That’s not innovation, it’s a goddamn extra pocket! Magna team members would surely faint from excitement if they ever discovered cargo pants. Magna’s presentation goes smoothly however, and Tana is cucumber-cool in front of the executives.

Net Worth’s final package is the exact opposite. Their unique clothing line is unfortunately overshadowed by Angie’s wince-inducing presentation. After a near panic attack on account of the team’s tardiness, Angie promptly blows her speech, stumbling while reading her notes and even emitting numerous ums and uhs. It was tough to watch.

The American Eagle executives compliment Magna for their consumer research and fluid presentation while awarding them the project victory. This is no surprise. While Net Worth’s innovations were clearly superior (i.e. laptop case inside a hoodie, speakers attached to a jean jacket), Magna was granted the victory for their organization and presentation skills.

Angie, Alex and Chris all make compelling arguments to avoid being fired, but each is saddled with a setback that may potentially send them packing. Angie blew the presentation, Chris was mostly AWOL and Alex… well, he actually trusted his teammates.

Nevertheless, it's obvious that Alex is not going to be sent home. He repeatedly claims that Chris is more talented than Angie, and when Trump goads Angie into admitting she “choked” on her presentation, he fires her, making Angie the first genuinely smart candidate to be sent home.

I’m disappointed by The Donald’s decision, but I’m more disappointed in the sudden abundance of snoozefest episodes. This much is obvious: The Apprentice needs to make a Tana-like comeback to remain atop the ratings chart.

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