APPRENTICE 3: AND YOU THOUGHT YOUR INDUSTRY WAS BORING

By: B -- 4/21/05

The clip of last week’s episode reminds us that we are to eternally hate Grandma Tana and Grandpa Craig, the two whiners who gave up on their teammate Kendra in favor of beauty sleep. It also reminds us that we kind of miss young Chris, for reasons we aren’t sure. Why is it that if a man cries, he’s sensitive and passionate, but if a woman does she’s a typical weakling from the inferior gender? It’s a damaging sociological dysfunction that won’t stop until – aw forget it. We’re back from commercial.

The task this week is for each team to invent a new Staples office supply product that will help clean up desk clutter. The team with the most innovative product as decided by the execs will be crowned victors.

Now, right off the bat the general consensus is that nothing is more boring than a task about office supplies. The common citizen usually assumes that the office supply industry is the most tedious and sleep-inducing of all industries.

That assumption is correct.

Office supplies are very boring.

Net Worth’s tandem team of Bren and PM Alex get off to a slow start. They are unable to connect with the Staples judges for a conference call due to poor wireless service, and are unable to connect with office supply managers for a focus group survey because they are blind calling from the Yellow Pages and promptly hung up on. They mope around for a bit before simply sitting down and doodling until they come up with an idea. The end product is the “Pack Rat,” a small mobile desk with a clear lift-able desktop with lots of nooks and crannies. It’s bulky and impractical, but equally sleek and intricate.

Kendra and Tana begin the task by – what else – visiting a Staples store and hunting down shoppers to pick their brain about ideal office products. With this information, and the tips they receive from their IN-PERSON meeting with the Staples team, Magna designs an “Office Clutter Caddy,” a simple storage center of file folders and pencil holders situated atop a Lazy Susan to expedite the finding of documents. It’s an awfully large box to set on top of your desk, and it’s not flashy or overly creative, but the damn thing is undeniably useful.

No credit can go to PM Craig for the final product, however. He was lazy and condescending throughout, once saying to Kendra, “I’m going to try to run this by you slowly, alright?” She defends herself and more or less tells Craig to shove it, but when he addresses her as “young lady” I start hoping she’ll deliver a punch to his kidneys. She refrains, and the fact that Magna is rightly chosen as the winning team means that Craig has snuck into the Final Four. Crap.

On to the boardroom.

Alex was a top high school athlete. Alex went to law school. Alex studied in Israel. Alex is passionate. Alex works harder than every one of his competitors. (Alex obviously worked on this speech in the mirror.) Alex is a risk taker. NO ONE WANTS THIS JOB MORE THAN ALEX.

Bren, on the other hand, is tired and bored. He looks relieved when he is fired and shuffled out of the boardroom, presumably sick of being lectured by a silver-spooned blowhard that claims Chapter 11 seemingly once a month. I probably would be, too.

It’s now down to four: a condescending, lackadaisical jackass; a flighty Midwestern Mama; a metrosexual wiener and an inexperienced go-getter. We endorse Kendra as the only Apprentice wannabe with her head not positioned directly up her own ass. Stay tuned.

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