APPRENTICE 3: WEEK TWO
By: B -- 1/28/05
The second week of The Apprentice begins predictably with an unnecessary ten-minute introduction from last week. It seems the networks have decided to quit attempting to produce new quality shows, they’ve just decided to prolong the successful ones. American Idol, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, and now The Apprentice have gotten aboard the “Milk this franchise for all it’s worth” train, and it’s getting sickening.
Before the mission begins, Danny is granted a few minutes of camera time to mention that he thinks “The Donald” likes him because he’s different. Here’s a new drinking game for season three: every time Danny mentions anything about being “different” or “original” or “creative” or any other bullshit, made up characteristic, everyone takes a shot. This idea has to catch on! If Danny sticks around long enough this game could sweep the nation. I shudder to think about the number of alcohol poisonings should he ever be granted Project Manager, but I digress.
The mission in week two is for each group to refurbish and run a shabby hotel on the Jersey shore. They are granted a $20,000 budget and given 48 hours to create a livable environment. Guests are scheduled to stay for the night, and upon checkout they will log onto a website sponsored by Yahoo (cha-ching!) to rate the experience. The team that earns the highest guest ratings will be the winner.
Net Worth quickly decides to appoint Project Manager duties to Brian, the stocky spitfire who presumably explains his desired haircut by using numbers (“I’ll take a three on the top and a one on the sides, sweetie”). Brian is ridiculously intense, and even though he claims to have real estate experience it seems quite clear he isn’t fit for the job. He looks permanently constipated while yelling at his team members about no need for a budget (say what?), and a mere 21 minutes into the show I predict Brian will be fired.
Michael, a burly real estate developer, takes the helm of team Magna. He divvies up the tasks and quickly takes flak from Verna for not focusing enough on customer service. She seems pissy from the get-go, an attitude that will remain, and increase, throughout this mission.
Over at Net Worth’s estate, Brian is doing a tremendous job of making everyone hate him. He spends the bulk of the budget on toilets, which the rest of the team unanimously agrees is a shortsighted move, and yells at John for no reason whatsoever. While John coolly tells Brian that Trump will never hire someone whose teammates hate him, Brian fires back “You are totally wrong! You don’t know Donald Trump.” Brian conveniently forgets that he, Brian, also does not know Donald Trump, but whatever. Brian is so hateable that you have to choose your battles. This argument with John (who is my early favorite as the third apprentice) is one of the many things to hate about Brian.
The next day, Net Worth decides to squeeze a few screamfests in before (and as) guests arrive. First, Brian and Kristen go at it about the budget concerns (it seems Brian still hasn’t begun thinking about the budget). Kristen certainly has a point, but with her gutter mouth and over-the-top antics she quickly loses the support of her teammates. Soon after, Kristen is given a proverbial bitch-slap from the feisty Angie during a heated shouting match. Good times.
Though Net Worth’s hotel seems to be in fine condition, the low morale seems to be leaking through the walls. Guests notice.
Magna’s hotel seems to be the polar opposite. It’s in terrible condition; most of the rooms are still in “development” mode while the supposedly completed rooms reek of paint. During her inspections, Carolyn betrays her usual appearance of disgust and appears to actually look worried. Bad sign. Danny mentions that he decided to start trying to lighten up the mood (take a shot, kids!) by encouraging the guests to step out of their rooms and socialize.
During George’s inspection of Net Worth’s digs, he is most upset with their failure to re-carpet the rooms (Brian doesn’t mention that he blew the budget on shitters). George is also not impressed that the team accidentally left the plastic on the mattresses. (It might be a good idea for a hotel full of three-year-olds or Spring Breakers, but most hotels should not need to safeguard against potential bed-wetters.)
As the night moves on it’s clear that Magna’s patrons are genuinely enjoying themselves while Net Worth’s bickering staff is taking a toll on its customers. It is only late into the night that a sub-plot develops with an increasingly tiring Verna.
It seems Verna has been moody and exhausted all day, which is unacceptable because she has only been working the front desk. By late night, while the rest of the gang is whooping it up with the hotel visitors, Verna heads off to bed.
When the guests are looking for coffee and donuts in the morning, Verna is nowhere to be found. Bren finally locates her in a back room, still sleeping, and when he tries to rustle her out of slumber she wakes up long enough to tell him she is quitting the game. Quitting the game! Bren shrugs it off and gets back to his duties, but we soon see Verna leave the hotel on foot. She is seriously quitting! It is at this point that I realize I am watching the greatest Apprentice episode ever.
Meanwhile at Net Worth the morning is running smoothly, but the guests sense the team’s tension. Even with fresh coffee and take-home goodie bags, you get the feeling that the guests are going to rate their stay as average at best.
At this point the main event is over at Magna’s hotel, where Verna has suddenly left the premises. Danny (take another shot just for good measure) tells Carolyn that he doesn’t know where Verna went. Carolyn jumps in a car and searches for her while Alex sums it up: “She screwed the team, she screwed herself, it was terrible.”
Terrible like a fox, apparently. Because when Carolyn tracks a delirious Verna down (stoically walking around the block with her roller suitcase in hand) and brings her back, the team inexplicably accepts her apology and moves on. Yeah, I know; I don’t get it either.
In the boardroom, Trump quickly acknowledges Verna’s temporary departure, an unprecedented move for an Apprentice candidate. She claims to have had a tough couple of days, to which Trump responds, “There’s nothing better, in my book, than a comeback.” What? I’m no genius, but I can think of something better: NOT HAVING TO COME BACK! Why is she getting credit for simply not quitting? At this point this boardroom feels like an episode of the Twilight Zone.
George reports that the guests ranked Net Worth’s hotel as a 2.92 out of 5, which may hold up, depending on whether Magna’s guests deemed most important the attitude of the staff or the live running wires in the rooms.
Turns out ambiance beats safety as Magna’s guest rating scores a 3.96. As the team celebrates, Alex hugs Verna, at which point my head explodes.
For a reward, the team has dinner on Steve Forbes’ yacht. Steve Forbes is unattractive.
The first words that come out of Brian’s mouth in the boardroom are “It’s my fault that we lost.” As if it couldn’t get any worse, when Trump asks if he should be fired, Brian responds with a quick “Yes.” Donald tries to remain serious but quickly breaks into laughter. He desperately tries to dramatize the boardroom scene by encouraging more bickering (milk the scene!, demands NBC), but it’s clear that Brian is going to be fired.
Donald sums it up by saying to Brian, “You’re not only abrasive, you’re also stupid.” I couldn't have said it better myself.
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