APPRENTICE 3: WEEKS THREE, FOUR AND FIVE

By: B -- 2/17/05

My Apprentice recaps have returned and will hopefully continue uninterrupted for the rest of the season. I missed watching attention-starved Danny get axed two weeks ago because I was in the midst of an outstanding skiing trip with my co-workers in Colorado. I caught only half of last week’s cucumber-themed porn convention (which culminated in potty-mouthed Kristen being canned) because I had to meet with friends regarding a new website project.

I understand that neither of these incidents is of any importance or interest to you, so I shall digress. On to the show.

After a surprisingly succinct recap (!!!) from last week’s debacle, we see Net Worth’s Audrey talking mad shit to Kristen, who had already been sent home. So in actuality, Audrey is angrily talking to other people as if they’re Kristen, which is quite silly. Get over it, Girlie, you didn’t get fired! On the other side of the digs, Michael is privately labeled a jerk by most of his teammates.

Week five’s task involves each team using a 28-foot trailer to create a service business for a day. Each team is given $5K for seed money and can redesign the trailer to fit its needs. The team with the most overall revenue at the end of the day is declared the winner. Giddyup, y’all.

Team Magna quickly deems Bren, the bow-tied country boy, to be the project manager. His lazy enunciation skills are immediately and relentlessly grating, and he quickly states that his team runs lame brainstorming sessions because, “Everyone here has a college degree.” Easy, Tiger. You don’t need to hand in your creativity in order to receive the diploma; the problem is simply that your team is full of monotonous dipshits. The team again complains about Pompous Michael separately but equally before deciding to hire a woman to run a spa for the day.

Tana from Net Worth appoints herself project leader and soberly proclaims, “We are going to destroy them.” She is quite lame. After a quick tour of the trailer they sit down for a brainstorm, the outcome being to host a casting call in the trailer. John, the Vince Vaughn look-alike that I trust more than our President, claims Angie will either be the hero or the goat of this mission because it was her risky idea.

Sixteen minutes into the show I realize either Michael or Angie will be fired at the end of this episode.

Magna’s spa starts out busy and remains as such throughout the day. Their price point is $10, and besides Michael complaining about not being able to sell because he feels “creepy” (maybe because he’s timidly mumbling to passing gentleman about getting a massage from “beautiful, strong women”), the task runs smoothly. Net Worth starts out verrrry slow -- their price point is rather high at $25 -- but by the end of the day boasts a healthy line of paying actors-to-be.

The results promise to be close, and in the end Net Worth earns the victory by a $991 to $918 margin (meaning each team posted a one-day loss of over $4,000, but whatever). The winners visit a pearl store and are given $20K to spend as a team, which is such a lame reward I get sad just writing about it.

Bren immediately goes on the offensive in the team boardroom session, coolly stating right away that he is going to bring Michael and Stephanie in the final boardroom. He is calm and collected like an experienced assassin. A Southern-drawled, floppy-bow-tie-wearing assassin.

In the final boardroom it is evident that Bren isn’t on the hot seat. Bren suggests that Trump fire Stephanie (for her negative disposition), and as Bren and Stephanie begin arguing, Michael promptly interrupts with his two cents. Trump is infuriated that Michael butted in to a conversation that clearly didn’t involve him, so Michael gets fired.

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