APPRENTICE 3: ANYTHING LESS WOULD BE UNWATCHABLE

By: B -- 3/7/05

It’s four days later and I still don’t know how to accurately describe week seven’s undertakings in any sort of standard storytelling fashion. While trying to describe the worst mission ever (mini-golf) and the best tantrum ever (Audrey) I’ve begun writing this column a dozen different times. Enough already.

I’ve given up and am going to recap by simply copying down my handwritten notes, in order and unedited:

Show begins with prerequisite shot of losing team guessing who’s going home. Gotta be Audrey.

Audrey returns, everyone shocked.

She’s angry! Says “I can pull my own slack” for the second week. It still doesn’t make sense! Pull weight, pick up slack.

Audrey tells unabated and hilarious sob story: “Girls hated me because I was beautiful! I wanted to scar my own face so people would like me!”
Are people with visible scars more popular?

John to Audrey: You’re gorgeous and you’re a sweetheart.”
Audrey: “Fuck you.”
??????

John says Audrey’s in over her head. Right on.
First commercial. Best first six minutes EVER.

Mission: build a miniature golf course at Chelsea Piers (? Look this up). Make the mini golf course operational, run for a full day, most money wins.

“I feel like I’m up to the ballgame” says Audrey. What?

Also says: “There is too much personalness” and “This is about business, and my business is business.”
Her sound bites are hilarious. Business version of Mike Tyson.

Audrey PM, Stephanie PM – two weakest team members.

Kendra is a star, will single-handedly win mission for Magna w/ cross promotions.

Audrey refuses to make a decision. Audrey wants meeting about what got accomplished, John cries bullshit and suggests focusing on future – ‘time’s a-wastin’’, he claims. More yelling, Audrey does nothing. Clueless.

Stephanie asks for 200% effort from everyone, which is 90% more than the universal but already-impossible 110% (funny?).

John bitches out Audrey. It’s rough. Calls her idiot. Is John an ass?

First week I’m rooting against Net Worth just so Audrey gets canned.

Winning team Magna plays country-club golf with Krista Kern (sp?); supposedly one of best golfers in the world yet I haven’t heard of her?

Boardroom: “Should everyone be fired except Tana?” Audrey: “yes.”

Audrey fired!! Relief. Lie back on couch and wipe brow. Will still watch show.

Next week: celebrities, television and corporate restructuring.

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