APPRENTICE 3: GENE SIMMONS IS SURPRISINGLY ARROGANT CONSIDERING HE’S THE LAUGHINGSTOCK OF THE MUSIC INDUSTRY

By: B -- 3/10/05

Before week eight’s mission, the teams are reshuffled for no apparent reason besides to abandon the entire show’s concept. Street Smarts versus Book Smarts? Ah screw it; let’s shuffle things up!

As Net Worth’s Project Manager, Chris reluctantly ships Tana & Craig to Magna in exchange for PM Kendra’s obvious choice of Erin & Stephanie (Vikings fans take note: Tana & Craig are Randy Moss and Erin & Stephanie are the crap offered up by the Raiders).

For the mission, each team is to visit five celebrities and negotiate a personal experience that can be auctioned off over the internet during a live segment on Fuse television. The team that generates the most dough wins the mission.

Net Worth decides to dispatch John, Erin and Stephanie to handle the negotiations while Chris and Angie work on the show production. John plays “hipster” and outfits himself in his trendiest threads, but comes off looking like Danny Tanner in those episodes that he tries to impress DJ. He interrupts his teammates, refers to himself as a pimp, strokes the egos of the celebrities (especially the insane Gene Simmons, who is more of an asshole than I gave him credit for) and makes a general mess of the negotiations. It’s frustratingly obvious not 15 minutes into the episode that John is going to be sent home. So obvious, in fact, that I enter a state of denial. The show’s editors can’t possibly be this bad, can they?

On the other side of logic is Magna’s negotiation team of Tana and Craig. Taking the Randy Ratio to never-before-seen heights, the two negotiate undeniably sweet experiences. They somehow persuade Jadakiss and Moby to each agree on inviting the auction winner on a weeklong stay with them during their respective nationwide tours. Tana is perpetually annoying, even saying “we be talkin’ now” in her Midwestern fake-ass blackcent, but she’s successful nonetheless.

Tana and Craig ride their hot streak onto the television screen as they host the auction. We aren’t told whether or whether not Tana is in on the joke that she is completely ridiculous, but her energy and charm exude success. Net Worth’s on-air jive also flows, but there is no surprise when The Donald reveals the landslide winners as Magna.

PM Chris is surprisingly respectful and polished in the boardroom and his habit of using his OUTSIDE VOICE in an inside setting is growing more hilarious by the week. Chris is my new favorite.

John, whose smooth personality and handle on his emotions made him my early pick as the winner, but whose sales skills and overbearing presence became grating in certain roles, gives a good fight, but in the end gets the axe we all saw coming 45 minutes earlier.

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