APPRENTICE 3: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE BOX, Y'ALL

By: B -- 3/24/05

Episode nine begins with Erin, fresh off another escape from the boardroom, boasting about her unflappable persona within said boardroom. This is not a good sign for fans of Erin. More and more, it seems the competitor given the abundance of screen time at the top of the show (typically spent gloating about his or her mad skillz) is inevitably fired at the end. The Apprentice, still one of the most popular shows on the tube, can’t be that predictable, can it?

The night before the mission, an eerily calm Craig is granted Project Manager of Magna Corp. He assembles his team for a bewildering pep talk in which he goes all Chicken Soup for the Soul on his unsuspecting teammates, quietly reading notes about searching for wisdom, standing alone as a leader, the calm before the storm and more clichéd drivel. During this lecture, Craig’s teammates each look as if he’s asked them for a stool sample; a combination of shock, fear and utter confusion.

The mission: each team is to create and execute a do-it-yourself clinic to be held at a Home Depot store. Each clinic will be judged on product involvement, customer involvement and originality. The winning team will be determined by two Home Depot executives.

Angie is quickly granted Net Worth’s Project Manager and suggests a clinic about crown molding. Seconds later Erin pipes up with something along the lines of, “I don’t know what Home Depot is, so I might not be much help here.” But like, go team! She defends herself in an interview by saying, “As a former beauty queen, I know what a crown is, but I don’t know what crown molding is.” It’s not easy to come off as arrogant, unintelligent and useless all in one sentence, but Erin somehow pulls it off.

Over at Magna Corp, PM Craig is steadfast in his opinion that building storage chests is a great clinic topic. The rest of the team exhibits an inordinate amount of bellyaching over the idea, but Craig vetoes everyone. Storage chests it is. Craig calls it a “space saver trunk” but the rest passively-aggressively refer to it as a “box.” There are a million box jokes – magic box, best box ever, “everyone’s got a box” (Tana), “I don’t have a box” (Craig), etc. Somewhere, Ashton Kutcher’s head explodes.

Net Worth chooses to dedicate their clinic to building mobile kitchen islands. Mobile. Kitchen. Islands. The product is far too difficult to build and the resulting clinic is an utter disgrace. As Erin promotes the clinic (by flirting with the men and patronizing the women), her teammates attempt to instruct disengaged clinic attendees on how to build a complicated product. They have to deal with a hectic store environment, people leaving halfway through and mistakes in the demonstration. Chris and Stephanie attempt to tread water, Angie sinks to the bottom and Erin gleefully plays on the beach. It’s painful to watch, really. As my bosses tell me, when in doubt use the KISS theory: Keep It Simple, Stupid.

Extending that analogy, Magna is incredibly stupid. Their humdrum idea of a storage chest is wholly lacking in creativity, but makes up for it with the calm atmosphere, simple DIY construction and overall family-friendly mood. They are the obvious winners of this task and are rewarded with a NASA-like plane trip in which they experience total weightlessness.

In an interview before entering the boardroom, Erin calls herself “poignant and accurate” in the boardroom, a remark so damning and idiotic that I briefly wonder if the producers get the competitors drunk before interviewing them. Her persistent flightiness is increasingly irritating; she acts more invincible by the minute.

Angie reluctantly sends Stephanie, a complete moron, back to the suite, leaving herself, Chris and Erin in the boardroom. Trump assures Angie that she won’t be fired and promptly attacks Erin, saying he heard she was downright awful throughout the mission. Erin, refusing to use even one iota of logic, throws the blame at Chris for chewing tobacco. Honestly, that was her defense. At this point, Erin’s maturity level is that of a Real World housemate.

Chris STICKS UP FOR HIMSELF and rightly states that his CHEWING HABIT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE LOSS! (Note: Chris’ temper is still quite hilarious.) While Chris is fired up, Erin inexplicably remains aloof.

Trump tries to create drama by momentarily throwing the blame back to Angie, but soon gives up and abruptly turns to Erin and fires her. Whew.

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