B'S BAR CRAWL 2004: "THE PILGRIMAGE"

By: B

The first annual "B's Bar Crawl" took place June 26th in the famous neighborhood of Nordeast Minneapolis. This was originally conceived as a trial run for the coming years-- a test of the best bars to include in the future schedule. However, after a few strategically placed calls and e-mails, word of mouth spread through the 'burbs like STDs through college dorms. Friends of friends and mere acquaintances decided to take part, committing a summer Saturday night to a drunken walk through a classic Minneapolis borough. Free from the monotonous frat party known as Downtown, everyone wanted in. What was first thought to be a small group of close-knit pals amazingly turned into a full-fledged walk-and-talk Party of the Year.

7:00 PM

At the beginning, there were eight: B, Gina, Jason, Joel, Dave, Pat, Bruntmyer and Karnas. Brunt drove down from thirty miles north to take part in the festivities, a UMD alum keyed up to lose his Nordeast virginity. Karnas drove from Richfield for the same reason, and Dave showed up early even though he only knew one person (Joel). Bar #1 was Nye's Polonaise Room, a dark, swanky piano bar with an open mic and shiny red chair backs. This is a favorite for cool college co-eds and Rat Pack-loving retirees. The feel of old school swing and the sounds of Sinatra make Nye's one of the best spots on the Crawl. However, since we started so early, the crowd was still small and sober, rendering the Nye's experience forgettable.

Three more peeps - Dan, Jillian and Jenny - showed up at The Times, an intimate, ho-hum Irish pub with dark wood columns and a cramped bar area. After one quick drink, we moved on to the Starlight Lounge. This is a small but hip martini joint, with a dance floor inside and a sweet patio out and to the left. Tim Brandt, UMD alum, showed up with no less than a dozen New Brightoners, hereby known as "The Newbys." Also making their first appearance were Tommy and Kenzie, driving in from Eau Claire to participate. The Starlight was the first of many of the following exchanges between B, who thinks he is funny, and Joel, who was forced to grow a thick mustache for his internship at an ad agency:

B: "Joel, how is the porn industry these days?"
Joel: "Sexy as always."

This banter took place at every bar until the end of the night and was always well received.

Our group had swelled to an astounding 25 by the time we stopped in for a quick one at Whitey's. Whitey's has legendary burgers and fries, but since we were drinking our dinner there was no need to strap on the feedbag. Things were starting to loosen up, but really got going at the normally lame Keegan's.

9:00 PM

Keegan's is labeled an Irish Pub, but is as Irish as the Olive Garden is Italian. However, since Keegan's had a live blues band and we were all swimming in five or six drinks by then, this served as the turning point of the night. Folks were still showing up, slurry introductions were still being made. The girls were mixing their own drinks in the bathroom with airline booze. The Newbys slowly began to mix company with the rest of us. Tommy pulled up a stool at the door and decided to check IDs. Personal space was slowly disappearing as the sun lazily gave way to a clear, star-filled night.

Next was the Long Walk, a ten-block trek to what would become the crowd favorite for bar of the night: Elsie's. Elsie's is a miraculous achievement. It is a bowling alley, a karaoke bar and a straight-up conversation bar all at once. Ten more people showed up here and we spent upwards of an hour chatting, singing and branching out. On our way to the Minneapolis Yacht Club, one of the Newbys boldly ran out of Elsie's and rolled a bowling ball down the street. It was scooped up by one of us and stayed with us through the remainder of the evening. It was eventually broken into a few pieces, but one of the shards was preserved by B and is currently resting proudly atop his mantel.

11:00 PM

The folks at the Yacht Club were nice enough to serve us numerous shots of Jagermeister, which certainly seemed like a good idea at the time. We were almost four hours in to the Crawl and hard alcohol seemed a fitting next step. After the quick bottoms-up we moved to another favorite, Laura's 1029 Club. Laura's is a loud, happy local spot featuring karaoke and a large, round bar surrounded by high booths. My mom met us here. She and Gina stole mugs from the bar and the girls refused to leave before they could sing karaoke.

The rest of the clan, going 40 strong at this point of the night, juiced up and seemingly ready to take on the world, made its way to the 331 Club, tossing the bowling ball along the way. The 331 Club is a run of the mill small corner bar. Some of us played pool while the others sucked down yet another drink. It was about 85 degrees inside so we quickly made our way to another crowd favorite, Mayslack's.

12:15 AM

We stumbled into Mayslack's damp and thirsty from the five-block trek, in which most of us inexplicably decided to run. Mayslack's may be the most popular of the Nordeast bars, consisting of a dark, open bar area, with low tables and a long line of stools, and in another room a stage and dance floor for concerts. Mayslack's serves fantastic food, but they had just closed the kitchen at midnight. We bowed our heads in disappointment. Dave, Joel's friend and a great guy, began hitting on my mom and didn't stop for what seemed like a half hour.

After 1 AM we hopped across the street to our last bar, fittingly called the Knight Cap. It is a bright, cozy saloon with a great jukebox and frozen pizzas served until close. We ordered six pies, and of course more drinks. Most of us couldn't see straight. I interrupted a conversation to sing "Daniel" to my friend Dan. He was not impressed. Nearly everyone was still in attendance, going strong, talking to people they had just met. The weather was perfect, the conversation friendly. We promptly got kicked out at 2:30 and Tommy lay facedown on the sidewalk while we waited for our ride. Everyone said their goodbyes, numbers were exchanged, sloppy hugs were given, promises to see each other soon were made. You know the scene; you've been there before.

The end of June is historically a slow weekend. Most people lay low, gearing up for the following Independence Day weekend. We stole its thunder on June 26. Fireworks and a three-day weekend can't compare to the Bar Crawl, not with so many participants and so many entertaining bars. Sure, we feel slightly disrespectful by drowning our 4th of July pining in a cheap mug of Nordeast beer, but not so much that we aren't going to do it again next year. We're sorry, America. But if you would have been with us, singing and dancing and rolling bowling balls down University, you'd feel the same.

TOTAL BARS: 11 (Nye's, The Times, Starlight Lounge, Whitey's, Keegan's, Elsie's, Minneapolis Yacht Club, Laura's 1029 Club, 331 Club, Mayslack's, The Knight Cap)

CROWD FAVORITES: 1.) Elsie's 2.) Laura's 1029 Club 3.) Mayslack's

TOTAL ATTENDEES: Approx. 40

NEXT CRAWL: Last weekend in June, 2005 and forevermore

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