DEAR CALIFORNIA...

By: B

Dear California,

It's me, Minnesota. How have you been? I've been fine. Hockey is starting here, so of course I've been busy with that. The weather here has been just delightful! I know it has been great where you are– when isn't it?! However, that is not why I am writing.

It is now a fact: Arnold Schwarzenegger is your governor. I haven't spoken to you since the election, so I am writing to let you know I am here for you. I am sure you are going through a tough time right now, but things will get better. Remember not to hold the emotions in– let them out! I know Utah isn't a great neighbor, but Nevada will certainly be willing to listen if you want to talk. God knows they've had some hard times.

Also, keep in mind what I had to go through a few years ago. Yes, I am speaking of the Ventura Administration. This was a dark time for Minnesotans, one that many of my citizens still don't feel comfortable talking about.

So remember, I've been there. We even had bumper stickers that said, “My governor can beat up your governor.” There were a ton of unholy redneck bastards in my state who thought that was funny. Sometimes I hate my citizens. Please don't tell anybody!

The best advice I can give you is to not listen to what other states are saying about you. I know you've heard about what Florida is saying, but that floozy bitch has no idea what she is talking about. I tried to call and congratulate her on the Marlins World Series victory, but she was too busy pussyfooting around to give me the time of day. Screw her, California.

States are only going to make fun of you because Ah-nuld is a celebrity. Some states (particularly Alabama and Mississippi, those racist jerks) seem to think it's funny that he pronounces your name as a five-syllable word, like "Cahl-ee-fo-nee-yah." That is not funny.

Governors are terrible all over the country, but since they aren't famous like yours no one hears about them. For instance, in Minnesota I now have to deal with the Reverend Tim Pawlenty, some God-fearing asswipe who wouldn't know good policy if it came up and latched on to his face. My point is, politicians are hard on all of us. Don't feel bad because your douche-bag is more popular than ours. And remember that I care about you deeply.

Love,

Minnesota

ps. B/F/F

pps. C/M

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