THE REVERSE DATING AUCTION

By: B -- 6/7/06

Hello everyone, thanks for coming down to Dick’s Bar this evening. We’re pleased to see such a strong turnout. If I can just have a few minutes of your attention, I’ll explain the rules and we can get started. I know everyone’s excited, so I’ll be quick.

As you know, tonight we will be having our first ever Reverse Dating Auction. And for those who still aren’t quite certain about the process, I’ll provide a quick recap.

Here’s how the reverse dating auction works:

Anyone here tonight can either be a bidder, an “auctionee,” or, most commonly, both. Those interested in being auctioned off will begin by filling out one of these personal forms. On the form you will note your name, the city you live in, a few hobbies and personal interests, and the highest amount of money you’d spend on dinner if you were guaranteed sex afterwards. Now, BE SURE to fill in that last section: it’s absolutely vital to the process. Once the auctionee’s turn comes up, he or she will come on stage and the bidding will begin.

Now I’ll explain the bidding process: the auctioneer will kick off the bidding amount at the maximum dinner expenditure as noted by the auctionee. If it’s $100, we’ll start there. One tip: you uglier people may want to start at a higher amount, say $300 or more, to better your odds of attaining bids. Just a thought; especially for you, sir, in the back. No, not you -- you, the guy with the eye patch and the open sores around your mouth. Yes, you, sir. Be sure to not underestimate your unattractiveness. You might want to throw in your car or the deed to your home to help sweeten the pot. Just a suggestion.

Okay, as I said, we’ll start with the maximum dollar amount and work our way downwards. Bidders will bid the amount it would take to get them into bed. If the current bid is $50, but you’d sleep with the person for a $40 dinner, go ahead and bid $40. The lower the number, the less money the auctionee will have to dole out for some pre-arranged coitus. And, as you’d expect, the more attractive the auctionee, the lower the number goes. Simple as that.

Once we have a winning bid, the two people will meet and make arrangements for the dinner and obligatory sex. Some decide to do it that night, others pick a date in the future. The choice is yours.

Quick side note: regarding payment, legally speaking we have to assume that the decided-upon dollar amount will be paid through a dinner equaling the winning amount, but of course we can’t regulate such a thing. Which means: if you were to just forgo the dinner and exchange money, we’d have no way to control it. Up to you.

Does the process make sense? Believe me, you’re really going to love it. Know why? Because every last one of you, no matter your appearance or social status, has a chance to get lucky. Don’t believe me? Tell you what, I’ll give a real-life scenario. Let’s use Festering Mouth Sores as our example. Now, we can all agree he’s one of the uglier humans on the face of the planet. But imagine, for instance, that he’d be willing to pay someone a thousand bucks to grind on his package for a few horrible minutes. Someone here is probably desperate and/or poor enough to take him up on that admittedly vomit-inducing offer. And there you have it: a match. A win-win scenario.

However, keep in mind: this evening is not devoted only to helping these pathetic members of society finally get some much-needed tail. Not at all. Consider this, good-looking folks in attendance: while the unsightly people here may have to shell out a few hundred clams for temporary access to unfamiliar genitalia, you pretty people may not have to pay anything at all. How sweet is that?

It’s true; there are times when the bidding amount actually hits zero, leading to a financial-arrangement-free sexcapade. We call that a “perfect match.” It’s a beautiful thing.

Another scenario to keep in mind: there are times when the bidding actually starts working its way into the positive number department. That means that the auctionee will actually be on the receiving end of the payment, which is great because all you eyesore bidders out there may actually be able to nab a decent-looking human being for an evening of raucous intercourse, depending on that person’s financial situation.

Of course, one caveat to that scenario: the auctionee has 100% control on when to stop the bidding. Attractive people need not worry about being forced into an evening of vile chub-thumping. Of course, there may be a few misers who will want the bidding to run into the positive figures just so they can get paid to bump uglies with whatever hideous whale ends up winning the bid. Others may prefer to shell out dough to a smoking hot chica rather than actually getting paid to pile-drive their nutsack into the sweaty pelt of a desperate fatty. Whereas one person may base the decision on money, another may first consider attractiveness. The power, as always, is in the hands of the auctionee.

Okay, does everyone here understand? Remember, there are plenty of people here tonight desperate for sex, money or a combination thereof, so be patient. And remember, you CAN bid on more than one person. This will give both rich ugly folks and sheisty gold-diggers the opportunity to really make this night a success.

So, unless anyone has any questions, we can begin. The auctionee forms are located at the back table, the ATMs are near the restrooms. Now let’s get started.

Best of luck, and happy fucking.

TAKE ME TO THE TOP