DEAR GOD...

By: B

Dear God,

It is I, the Devil. Normally I have one of my assistants handle the correspondence, but since this is such a joyous occasion I felt it necessary to respond personally. (As a side, I feel using blood to write is a good touch; stylish, simple, and very effective.) Anywho, the reason for this message is to commend you for our most recent soul trade. My fellow Hellraisers and I feel this could end up becoming the most successful trade in history. To recap, Ashton Kutcher has officially sold his soul to the devil (me) and I have in turn released Drew Barrymore from my fiery grasp.

As you know, we have coveted (FYI: coveting is a-okay in Hell) Ashton for some time. Although That 70's Show is far from demonic, we could tell from an early age this Midwestern country bumpkin was ready to surrender to the hellish temptations that Hollywood so fruitfully provides. With his dating choices (Demi Moore! One of our own!) and completely tasteless fashion preferences, A-Kutch has not disappointed us.

With his mind-numbing immaturity on MTV's splendidly cruel Punk'd, Ash is making us proud. And let us not forget his wretched movie career: Dude, Where's my Car?, Just Married, My Boss's Daughter - these are movies made by and for those who've sold their souls to me. With Ashton, we have someone who is constantly being laughed at, and never with.

The highlight of Ash's career here in Hell occurred when he compared himself and eternal Hell dweller P Diddy as the new Rat Pack. I know what the public was thinking: “How in the world could that jackass Ashton Kutcher compare himself to a group of brilliant artists from yesteryear? Does he not know that he and P Diddy are the most talentless hacks in all of Hollywood? Isn't that obvious?” Since Ashton has been under my spell, nothing is obvious to him. He constantly wears a look similar to asking a six-year old the capitol of Finland: a vacant, starry-eyed gaze. In Hell, ignorance is gorgeous.

You may recall that, at age 12, Drew Barrymore was one of our youngest members. Free-wheeling, drug-dealing, forever-kneeling Drew was a cornerstone of our operation for many years. However, I think we all recognized it was time to move on. She seems able to control herself with alcohol, which is not the Drew we knew and loved down here. There have been no explicit sex videos, no recent lesbianism, no benders.

The fact that she has been here so long has no doubt been the key motive for her request to leave. She's done it all in Hell, and is still insatiable. We are going to miss her, but will never count her out on making a return visit to our fiery pits. Silver lining: Anne Heche has been a suitable replacement.

All in all, I would like to congratulate you in advance on a wonderful trade. I always get misty thinking back on other soul swaps we have made throughout the years.

I recall the “Stevie Wonder Split” of 1995, when you decided to keep his earlier stuff and I his latest. It is quite miraculous that his first six albums are played consistently in heaven, yet “Ebony and Ivory” is such a hit down here. It seems both smart and stupid music people enjoy his work. Quite a query.

And who can forget the watershed soul swap of 1994: Michael Jackson and Macauley Culkin to the Devil, with Johnny Depp and Debbie Gibson given permission to once again walk atop the sugary clouds in Heaven.

Yes sirree, it's been a wild ride. My constituents and I genuinely look forward to more deals with you in the future.

Peace out,

The Devil

PS. If you remember, in your last letter you wondered if Pete Rose was really meant for Hell. Mortals walking the Earth thought it may be time to forgive him, and I hope I have cleared the air. I sent one of my top agents to pay him a visit, and I feel confident that any confusion of his character has been successfully quelled. It should be quite clear to everyone that he belongs with us in Hell, forever.

PPS. Billy Graham has really been begging for your forgiveness. Per your request, I'm really sticking it to this asshole.

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