THE DISPATCH: READER MAIL, VOLUME III

By: B -- 9/10/05

Volume III of my reader mail column is below. Thanks to those to submitted questions or comments.

B,

I have always liked lists, so I'm gonna hit you with a list I would like to see.

10 Bands we never should have heard of - there are a ton of great bands that never see the proverbial light of day, which makes it even more offensive that we have even been exposed to:

- Kansas
- Boston
- Limp Bizkit
- Duran Duran
- All “Boy Bands" from Hanson to N'Sync
- Starship
- Air Supply
- Creed
- Spin Doctors
- Bon Jovi

Bob B., Minnetonka, MN

The debate over the value of lists is lively and never-ending. Some people (myself included) feel that creating and sharing lists is both a perfect conversation starter and an insight into one’s personality. On the other hand, there are those who are annoyed at the very idea, claiming that creating a ranking system for anything is useless and arbitrary.

I’ll say this: list-haters are buffoons. Lists are great, and anyone who doesn’t agree is just upset they aren’t creative enough to come up with any clever list ideas of their own. If I were on the ball I’d post a new list on this site every week. This will happen someday.

10 BANDS WE NEVER SHOULD HAVE HEARD FROM

At first sniff this looks like the familiar – and eternally enjoyable – “Worst Bands Ever” list. And that may have been your intention when writing to me. But I see something deeper, something close to a “Worst of” list but with a subtle difference.

Your list suggestion shouldn’t just include bands that are terrible, but more so bands that are so forgettable they should have never entered the pop culture universe in the first place. There’s a distinct difference between the two characteristics (though some artists are both).

Hanson’s music sounds like a cat being beaten to death with a kazoo, but on some level I can understand why they’re popular. Not only are they brothers, but when “Mmm Bop” came out the oldest band member was like 15 years old. To the general public, that’s a notable anecdote. Hanson’s music makes me want to remove my ear drums with a rusty pocket knife, but I have to admit I understand why they’re popular. God, it hurts just to write that.

Same with other bands and artists: Backstreet Boys, Foreigner, Vanilla Ice, Chumbawumba – they all suck in many different ways, but the fact that they suck differently than everyone else can help explain why we’ve heard of them. The artists on my list aren’t necessarily awful, but they are definitely lame, and even worse, have added nothing to the pop music landscape besides stealing airplay from more competent musicians. Enjoy.

10. Blues Traveler
I hated Blues Traveler’s breakout album Four from my very first listen. I was a teenager at the time. My favorite movie was Independence Day and my favorite band was Hootie and the Blowfish.

Even then, I hated Blues Traveler. That means something.

9. O-Town
Imagine that a movie was released in the early ‘90s about a reality TV show that created a band through tryouts and auditions, all with the goal of helping said band release an album. Imagine that, in the film, the band went on to release a middling, forgettable single that was actually played on the radio. That they actually sold hundreds of thousands of records.

That movie would have been filed under the “satire” genre, much like The Truman Show. Sadly, O-Town actually was formed by a reality TV show, proving just how heartless and processed the pop music industry can be. Music is supposed to be an art form, not a business, and O-Town is the prime example of this not always being the case.

8. Clay Aiken
I don’t get it: he’s a white male, he plays no instruments and he can’t dance. Clay Aiken types are a dime a dozen. Look in any karaoke bar or local musical and you’ll find someone as charismatic as Aiken. He’s lucky he’s gay.

7. Staind
“It’s Been Awhile” remains one of the most pathetic, lame, ridiculous singles of all time. I mean, top ten awful. It’s practically a fact.

6. Uncle Kracker
Let’s break down Uncle Kracker’s contribution to music: two singles in the span of four years. “Follow Me” is a hybrid of folk and electronic music, an uncommon and frightening combination of the most heartfelt and heartless musical genres. There’s a reason these two genres aren’t commonly mixed, and “Follow Me” is it. Folk rockers around the globe still haven’t recovered from this trash receiving airplay.

Kracker’s next single, “Drift Away” was not only a beat-by-beat rip-off of Dobie Gray’s version released in 1973, but it’s worse. 32 years of musical innovations and Kracker actually made a song worse? This should not be possible. I’d bet there are no less than 10,000 musicians in the country who could have created a more compelling and enjoyable cover than Kracker’s. So why was Kracker’s version on the radio? Why do we even know his name?

5. Limp Bizkit
This one is too easy, but necessary.

4. Matchbox 20
Again, too easy. If Matchbox 20 were a local Minneapolis band, they wouldn’t even be considered one of the best on the scene. There are dozens of local acts that make better music than 20, and that’s just the Twin Cities. What must it be like to be a virtually unknown musician trying to make quality music knowing that Matchbox 20 actually has the formula for becoming popular? I’m sure their achievements have inspired countless bands around the country to dumb down their sound in hopes of achieving commercial success.

3. Diddy (aka Sean Combs)
Without sounding too dramatic, I theorize that Diddy is the reason most white people hate rap (well, him and latent racism). White people hate rap because they view it as a bunch of lazy, over-paid thugs fast-talking over beats already invented by other musicians. Diddy personifies this stereotype. His MC skills are an embarrassment (not to mention his dancing), and almost every one of his popular singles borrowed heavily from other songs.

Diddy is the worst example of an enjoyable genre. It’s like judging country music on the merits of Tim McGraw, heavy metal on Poison, folk rock on Uncle Kracker. Whenever I ask a friend about a new hip-hop album and they give me a disgusted, “Rap? I hate rap” -- I blame Diddy. “Tis a shame.

2. Barenaked Ladies
The Barenaked Ladies have absolutely no business being a household name. Are they famous because people think they make quality music? They do not. Do they sell millions of records because their fans find them humorous? They are not. BNL is, at best, a band that belongs on a local circuit in whatever city they originated in, playing their sleep-inducing songs to their friends and family who love them despite their embarrassing “music.” They are part musicians, part unfunny sideshow act. The fact that BNL has sold so many records makes me sad.

1. Goo Goo Dolls
I will repeat here a claim I have been making for a number of years: the Goo Goo Dolls are my most hated band ever. It’s not because their music is unlikable in every sense. It’s not because their lyrics are contrived and senseless (“Someday you never made it/ and maybe it never will/ Hey, you never made it/ And ain't that unusual?” is one particularly retarded verse). No, the cause for my hatred is because the Goo Goo Dolls are so terminally lame.

Lead singer Johnny Rzeznik has made it no secret his musical hero is Paul Westerberg from The Replacements, and has so obviously tried to rip him off for years (that is, until he and his band realized they couldn’t make it playing their beloved alternative/punk music, and instead sold out and made shitty ballads that were played ad nauseum at junior high dances around the country). For those who haven’t yet, pick up a Replacements album and discover how far the Goo is from actually replicating their sound. Rzeznik has sullied the good name of the Replacements by even mentioning their name when referring to his music. No one who has ever heard “Left of the Dial” or “Achin’ To Be” would think that the Goo Goo Dolls are a decent band.

Somewhere, deep inside, even Rzeznik has to know how lame his band is. The sad part is, it’s the best he can do.

I must differ on your admiration for the Village Voice review. While the writing is fun to read and the author beautifully weaves in many different themes and ideas, the  music isn't even discussed until, like, the third paragraph. How do I know if I want to buy the album, when halfway into reading the review, I only know that there are some "mambo flourishes" and "thudding piano?" This is exactly the kind of review I hate, because it wastes my time.  Wastes my time. I've got lakes to go to and work to avoid. To writers like that I say: Don't show me how clever you are unless you can give me substance along with your style. It's a music review, fer chrissake. Tell me about the music.

Beth R., Minneapolis, MN

The Village Voice article in question is the review of the newest White Stripes album that I praised in my Open Mic section. However, while trying not to sound like a wiener, I must say I agree with reader Beth. I too take issue with reviewers so enthralled with their prose to actually think about the reader. They hide behind bullshit industry keywords; especially music reviews.

One excerpt I’ve always remembered as being especially terrible comes from David Fricke’s Rolling Stone review of a Kings of Leon album: “ The saloon-brawl guitars and wolf-eye glow of Manhood have been exchanged here for a dark, dry mood that, on first listen, mutes the Kings' transgressive fury and pop-hook luster.”

I will always remember this as the most useless sentence I have ever read. I suppose “they’re a harder, bluesier version of the Black Crowes” isn’t as fancypants, but at least it’s a rational sentence. As a reader of reviews, I’ll take the coherent, stripped-down description anytime (which is why my reviews read the way they do).

So why did I recommend the White Stripes review? I thought it told a good story and appreciated the succinctness of it all. Now that I look back on it, it doesn’t exactly describe the way the album sounds, but since I’d listened to it a dozen times already I wasn’t so much interested in it. My bad, Beth. My bad.

Hi B,

What are your thoughts on the Rat Pack/Frat Pack comparisons?

-Joel, Toledo, OH

Joel asked me this question while sending me a link to this article in the Toledo Blade. It’s an interesting read, if a little scattershot (the writer compared Vince Vaughn to both Sammy Davis Jr. and Bill Murray in the same article). It reads like the writer was working on a tight deadline and he didn’t have time to read through it before turning it in. But I’m nitpicking; the subject matter is water cooler-worthy.

For those uninterested in clicking on the above link, the writer expands on Hollywood’s “Frat Pack,” the unofficial name of the group of actors that includes Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Will Ferrell, Jack Black and the Wilson brothers. The writer refers to the group as a “ hedonistic, ain’t-it-cool-to-be-smart-but-act-dumb boy’s club.”

My opinion is that this writer doesn’t give these fellas enough credit, especially Stiller and Owen Wilson. Siller’s repetitive playing of the same characters – he's either the Neurotic Guy or the Over-The-Top Villain – bugs me as much as anyone, but one glance through his catalog of work will show that he has been involved in a number of noteworthy projects. "The Ben Stiller Show" was way ahead of its time (though it seems dated now), Flirting With Disaster, Your Friends and Neighbors, Permanent Midnight, etc. He’s not the most glamorous of the Frat Pack boys, but his work has paved the way for numerous actors today. The writer alludes to Stiller being a ditch-digger, but he deserves more credit than that.

Owen Wilson was the co-writer of Rushmore, one of the smartest comedies I’ve ever seen. It’s a masterpiece. That fact alone should vault him out of any frat boy type of classification.

My thought is, so what if these guys sometime get together to make sorta-dumb comedies? They exercise their cerebral qualities with their own side projects (Royal Tenenbaums, Bottle Rocket, School of Rock, etc), but they also appear in each other’s over-the-top comedies like Zoolander, Old School, Anchorman and more. Big deal. Those movies are ten times smarter than the slapstick sub-genre that preceded them. I’ll take Old School and Zoolander over Billy Madison and Black Sheep any day of the week.

Some thoughts from your most recent diatribes:

I would agree that Peyton Manning is one of the truly ugly athletes in the world of sports today, but I'd add Willie McGee, Otis Nixon, and Patrick Ewing as three of the elite uglies of all-time.  Peyton could join that group and be the token white athlete of the fabled "All-Star Ugly Squad."

I'm also trying to decide if Danica Patrick is good-looking or not, but let's not fret over whether or not female athletes are attractive and instead ask, which sideline reporter is the sexiest?  I mean, we all know the only reason the networks waste their time with them is to give us, the male-dominated sports audience, a chance to gawk at these lovelies as they spew worthless observations and lob softball questions to sweaty athletes and coaches as they try to do their jobs. Can you see a bar full of men staring at soundless wall-mounted televisions, yearning to hear what Melissa Stark or Lisa Guerrero was able to find out by patrolling the sidelines? Come on. Nobody cared what Suzy Kolber had to say until Joe Namath told her he wanted to kiss her.

As far as who's the sexiest, Melissa Stark is my favorite, with Lesley Visser's Mrs. Robinson-ish mature charm a close second.

Scott C., Des Moines, IA

The "Joe Namath Incident" was one of the funniest live television moments in the past five years. In fact, I can’t think of anything funnier, except maybe the time Fred Durst used the word “agreeance” at the VMAs a few years back.

I actually feel bad for female television broadcasters. If they’re too smart they’ll be viewed as dull, and will eventually be replaced by younger, dumber, more attractive women. It’s a shame really, but don’t blame me… I don’t make the rules, I just enjoy them.

Anyway, the two best looking sideline reporters are Jill Arrington and Lisa Guerrero. No contest. If I were asked to choose the hottest of the older generation women, Melissa Stark is my favorite as well.

On a warm summer’s evening, a train bound for nowhere....oh wait. It was a nice summer’s evening when the calm broke in the newly renovated hotel lounge. A middle-aged gentleman who was clearly over-served began to raise his voice and cuss over the voice of Dan Patrick coming from the TV. The bartenders notified security and the gentleman was warned and asked politely to mind his language.

A few hours passed and the Native American fellow, now belligerent, started back up with his obscene and derogatory vocabulary which prompted the summoning of Radisson’s finest. Weary of the man’s behavior, the head of security demanded the gentleman out of the hotel. This wasn't a difficult task because he and his wife were not guests of the hotel, but locals out to spread good will and cheer to all those visiting the greater Green Bay area.

Approaching 2 AM, the asshole picked a fight with his wife who refused to ride home with him. The man stormed out of the hotel beside himself, now extremely agitated, intoxicated, and behind the wheel: the perfect recipe for disaster. The women finally exhaled and quietly waited for her cab on the tan leather davenport just inside the hotel’s all-glass front lobby. She lit up a cigarette, put away her lighter away and looked outside.

She froze in fear......

...The drunk son-of-a-bitch drove his Lincoln Navigator through the glass into the lobby straight at her in an attempt to "kill that stupid bitch." The dude backed out and drove off. The Oneida Police found him asleep in his vehicle two miles up the road and made the arrest.

Never a dull moment in the hotel industry!

-N

This reader needs a website of his own. Please N, write back soon with more tales.

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