IDEAS/INNOVATIONS

A running list, free for the taking, up for discussion.

May 2006. Ubiquitous car-accessible trash receptacles

A recent addition to the fast food drive-thru scene is the car-accessible trash receptacle. Usually located past the pick-up window, these trash bins feature a topper with an opening that juts out to the side to allow people to discard their refuse directly from their car window.

The bins are enormously handy; every time I’m drunk/hung-over enough to actually eat fast food, I end up cleaning my car so thoroughly it’s practically spotless. They’re so useful, in fact, that if I weren’t saddled with the metabolism of Mindy Cohn I’d probably breeze through a fast food joint every week just for the sake of car sanitation. But since do (and therefore I can’t), I’m proposing a countrywide movement to place them everywhere.

I’d like to see drive-up trash receptacles in parks, airports, sports complexes, next to post office mailboxes, near DVD return kiosks, grocery stores, neighborhoods…pretty much every public parking or driving area. Because, well, why not? Everyone wants a pristine vehicle, but taking the time & effort to clean out the crap that naturally accumulates can be a hassle. With these convenient bins the middle-man can effectively be cut out, resulting in a direct car-to-trash deposit process. Bring on the omnipresence, I say.

November 2005. Custom DVDs
With the seemingly never-ending parade of technological innovations dominating the marketplace, I’m surprised the concept of “Custom DVDs” hasn’t yet been introduced. I’ll use Saturday Night Live as an example to illustrate my idea: Imagine visiting a website that allows you to view every SNL skit & musical performance and choose your favorite scenes to create a custom-content DVD. You could virtually click-and-drag your favorites until you reached the set time limit (three hours?), place your order, and the SNL tech folks could compile the DVD and snail mail it to you.

Owning a DVD with the James Brown Hot Tub sketch, Jeffrey’s (Sean Hayes), The Stevie Wonder Experience, More Cowbell, Schmidt’s Gay, Mick Jagger impersonating Keith Richards on Weekend Update, Chippendale’s, The Barry Gibb Talk Show and more would be one of my most prized possessions.

Now imagine extending this concept to every show, past and present, on television. Sweet Jesus.

One reason this may not yet have happened is that the Powers That Be are trying to force consumers to buy a DVD already on the market (i.e. if you like that one Dana Carvey sketch, you have to buy the entire Best Of Dana Carvey DVD). That notion makes sense at first blush, but not if they charged a premium for custom content. If “Best of” DVDs are $20, you could easily charge $40 for a custom. Plus, imagine the demand. Who wouldn’t want one? Wouldn’t a custom DVD make for the greatest gift ever?

If custom DVDs were to enter the virtual marketplace, I have to think consumers would be clamoring to create one. Imagine your five favorite Austin City Limits concerts on DVD. Imagine your ten favorite Seinfeld episodes, all on one handy disc. Just you wait. This will be how we purchase our entertainment in the future.

October 2005. Automatic Wiper Lift
Every Minnesotan can describe the dreadful scenario. Dead of winter, you run to your car, jump in, blast the heat and rock back and forth waiting for your car to warm up. Your windshield is covered with snow, and since you don’t want to venture back out into the cold you run your wipers in hopes they can clear off the snow. Inevitably, they are coated in ice and are useless in wiping off the windshield. They don’t even move.

Annoyed, you have to step back outside to snap the ice off the wipers; you pick up the wiper blades and drop them onto the windshield. The force from hitting the windshield knocks the ice off the blades, returning them to working condition. It’s a simple task, but incredibly irritating considering the arctic conditions.  

My idea is this: there should be a way to remove the ice from your wipers automatically. Imagine being able to press a button from inside your car that will lift the wipers up and drop them back on the windshield, clearing off the ice and allowing your wipers to effectively brush the snow away. Doesn’t that sound simple? This is a million dollar idea; everyone hates manual ice-from-wiper removal and would demand this feature in their new vehicles.

I also had the idea for heated windshield wipers, but I’ve been told they’ve already been invented.

DECEMBER 2004. Time-release energy pill
I am one of the millions of people that list “waking up” as the absolute worst part of my day. We are a people who drink a pot of coffee before we shower just so we can open our eyes. We’re the ones you steer clear from until at least 10 AM. We consider calling in sick to work every single morning just so we can stay in bed. If you aren’t one of us (lucky you), there is something you should know: we are very ashamed of this attribute. No one wants to act like this, but we simply can’t help it.

With that said, know this: there is a multi-million dollar market in the act of waking us up.

If I had the time and the money, I’d work on inventing a time-released energy pill. It would contain the amount of caffeine as three cups of coffee (adults only!), but would take, say, six hours to take effect. I’d take this pill every night at midnight, and at six AM I’d fly out of bed. Instead of spending 15 minutes making and drinking a pot of coffee, I could use my before-work time to exercise. Think of the improved economy (less people blankly staring at their computer screen until the coffee takes hold) and the improved obesity issue (more people exercising before work). I would pay a pretty penny to cure my early morning blues – why hasn’t this been invented yet? Anyone sitting on a pile of money should contact me; we’ll be co-inventors of the pill that will change the world forever.

OCTOBER 2004. Wrist PDA’s: a new life waiting for us
It has been often theorized that PDAs will someday completely change our lives. They currently have the ability to be our address books, daily planners, notepads and calculators all in one. So why doesn’t anyone own one? I’ll tell you why: they’re bulky and inconvenient. Men are rapidly converting to the slim wallet and money clips to save pocket space and cut down on bulk. Where exactly do you expect us to carry these stainless steel bricks? I refuse to buy those extra-pocket Dockers, and cargo pants simply don’t fly in Corporate America. Women now carry purses roughly the size of a stick of butter. Think they want to lug around a PDA? Get real.

However, there is a solution: wrist PDA’s. This idea is soon going to change our lives forever. Someday, everything will be run through our wrist PDA’s, with the help of fingerprint identification machines. These wrist PDA’s will be roughly the size of a large-faced watch. Imagine the face of your cell phone firmly planted to the inside of your wrist, in bright colors. They won’t be heavy or clunky, and there will even be interchangeable colors so we can match our PDA to our attire (rest easy, metrosexuals).

These wrist PDAs will soon become our most important possession. They’ll be capable of dozens of currently time-consuming tasks.

Imagine checking out of a retail store. You swipe your products, and then simply run your overturned wrist through the scanner. The scanner reads your PDA and immediately recognizes your name and displays all your check and credit cards. You choose the one you want to use, place your fingerprint on the machine to confirm identification, and you’re out the door. This will take mere seconds.

When someone will call you, your wrist PDA will vibrate (or ring, or light up, or whatever you set it to). You’ll check your caller ID, then remove a tiny earpiece attached to it, which will fit comfortably into your ear. Your hands will be free and the sound quality will be crystal clear. We can even implement a glowing PDA to signify that a person is on the phone. That way we can clear up the confusion that occurs when you see someone seemingly talking to themselves (or you), only to find out they’re engaging in a hands-free conversation.

Now think of heading to a coffee shop. After you get your pure-fat latte, you saunter over to the row of computer screens. There is a scanner there, too, and you’ll run your PDA under it to identify yourself. After confirming your identification with the necessary fingerprint machine, it immediately pulls up your entire personal hard drive. Type away, shop online, do whatever you have to do, and save by simply running your PDA through the swipe again. Computer screens can be available everywhere, including libraries, hotels, backseats of cabs, fast food joints, the DMV, etc.

How about a long flight? Simple. Every seat will be equipped with a blank screen and a PDA scanner. You can log in and do whatever you want. Write, read on the internet, play games, watch a downloaded movie, pay bills and get work done. You won’t be bored anywhere, ever again.

There will also be a plug-in for headphones. Our wrist PDA will have the capability of containing every album we have ever owned and every song we have ever downloaded. We’ll also be able to plug our PDA in to any stereo, meaning you can bring every song with you, and play it everywhere; at parties, at work, in the car, etc.

All your personal information will be instantly and continually backed up to a central (government funded?) hard drive, eliminating any worries should you lose your PDA. The worry about fraud will be eliminated with the requirement of fingerprints. Simply get a new PDA (the hardware will soon be very affordable), run your fingerprint and whalla, all your information is back. Fingerprint machines will soon be on everything from soda machines to appliance stores, from golf courses to movie theaters.

With this innovation, life will be infinitely better. Everything will be streamlined and minimal time will be wasted. We can work more (more time can be spent researching cures for diseases), spend more time with our families; whatever we feel like doing.

Forget your laptop, your cell, your planner, your car stereo, your wallet, your iPod, grocery lists, briefcases, coin purses, notepads, etc. This will make everything easier. Plan on it.

OCTOBER 2004. B's Daily Diet
The newest surefire get-rich-quick scheme is no doubt the invention of a new diet. The South Beach and Atkins people weren’t exactly teaching us anything we didn’t already know, but already restaurant chains are hastily converting their menus in an effort to appease these diet du jour freaks. Well, count me in, for I have devised a new diet sure to help you shed pounds instantly!

Step 1: Go to your local convenience store and buy a tin of chewing tobacco. Your best bet is Skoal, in any flavor you think looks appetizing. If you are highly obese, your best bet may be to purchase a ten-pack (referred to as “logs” by those in the know).

Step 2: Whenever you feel hungry, simply open the tin and pinch some chew between your fingers. Stick it in your mouth, preferably wedged under your bottom lip, against the gums. You will soon notice an abundance of saliva forming in your mouth.

Step 3: Swallow this saliva. I will freely admit this saliva will not taste good. It will be thick and grainy, and it will taste like cigars smell. Always keep in mind that a successful diet includes sacrifices. The horrific taste (and, well, all of step 4) is your sacrifice.

(Are you feeling light-headed and dizzy? Are you pale and sweaty? Are your coworkers/friends/family members/pets staring at you with jaws agape and a revolted look on their faces? Good, the tobacco is doing its job. You should look and feel absolutely miserable.)

Step 4: After approximately five minutes of holding the tobacco in your mouth and swallowing the spit, go to your nearest bathroom. You will puke soon. This is normal. After you wash out your mouth and wipe the sweat off your brow, stand up and take note: you aren’t hungry anymore. Since you will be ingesting fewer calories, you will begin shedding pounds immediately!

Step 5: Repeat these steps for every time you feel hungry.

(While you watch the pounds quickly disappear, I will work on an idea to cure your new potentially deadly addiction to chewing tobacco.)

SEPTEMBER 2004. Restaurants and technology finally converge.
I can’t wait until we change the standard protocol at restaurants. Imagine one day…

When you show up at a restaurant, there is no server to greet (read: bother) you. There will simply be a touch screen at one end of the table. If you want water, you punch in the quantity and the server will deliver it. You’ll order your own apps, food, etc through the same screen, and you’ll never be bothered by the fake smiles and scheduled follow-ups servers are forced to do. Want to special order something? There’ll be buttons for that, too, and it will all be as simple as a calculator. Ready for your check? Easy. And since service will be minimized, we can enact a service fee percentage amount, say 10%. Servers will make the same because they can handle more tables, service is streamlined and mistakes are more infrequent.

Technology once again will improve our lives, leading to faster, cheaper, more satisfying meals. Expect this quickly. Or, front B the money and he’ll take care of it first.

SEPTEMER 2004. Booth attendants and single smokes.
This idea is dedicated to improving city funds and relieving tax concerns. Parking ramp booth attendants should sell single cigarettes to drivers. There is an amazing amount of people who only smoke when they’re at bars. Most of these people don’t buy their own packs, but bum when out on the town. A smoke on the way home is enjoyable to nearly everyone. Best of all, it keeps drivers awake and alert.

The booth operators could sell singe cigarettes at a high profit margin, say $.50 per. The city supplies the cigs, the operator checks the ID’s, the profits go back to the city. At such high profit margins the city will be able to increase revenue without raising city taxes. Citizens will be able to buy single cigarettes instead of entire packs (therefore making this a healthy alternative, sort of), smokers won’t have to bum as much. Who loses here? No one, I tell you, no one.

APRIL 2004. All retractable roofs, all the time.
Why only sports stadiums? Let's think outside the box. Restaurants, houses, bowling alleys, bars- let's put retractable roofs on everything. This is obviously a long way off, but fun to think about.

APRIL 2004. Fresh Dish.
Everybody is trying to compete in the booming fast food market, and these days it's on the health tip. Panera, Quizno's, etc, are trying to be fast, healthy alternatives to the standard greasy offerings. A healthy fast food chain is great- business people don't have time to prepare healthy dishes but they are sick of looking like indistinguishable lumps of clay.

I propose a new sandwich shop that specializes in side dishes of fresh fruit and/or vegetables. The restaurant can be called Fresh Dish. It can be made in front of you, with the fruit or veggies you choose. You could get a half-sandwich (nothing special here, just fresh ingredients and basic meats) and a side of whatever you want. You could choose four fruits and watch them open the fruit, cut it into pieces and package it. Cutting produce is fast and easy, and anyone can do it. This would be as fast as any other joint. Special dips could be made available. I like fat-free ranch dip with my carrots, but that's just me.

Are you telling me you would choose soup or fries over a cup of fresh fruit? Get real. Imagine a turkey sandwich for lunch, with lettuce and tomatoes on it, and on the side a fruit cup with pineapple, watermelon, grapes and peaches. Sweet Jesus.

APRIL 2004. Downloadable cell phone numbers.
I don't own an address book, and I don't keep business cards of friends. When I need to call a friend, I find their name in my cell phone book and press "talk." I don't know many of their phone numbers, so if I don't have my cell on me, I can't get ahold of them. What happens if I lose my phone? I'm screwed, plain and simple. Solution: wireless providers should backup everyone's phone book every month and make it available on the web. If you lose your phone, find a computer, type in your password, call away.

MARCH 2003: Universal driving sign.
We need a sign that everyone will understand means "Your turn signal is on. Please turn it off." This will help drivers. I propose a simple point to the dash with the index finger. Tell your friends, soon, before I have an aneurysm.

MARCH 2003: Pressure-sensitive brake lights.
One would like to know if the person in front of them is slightly tapping on the brake or desperately slamming to avoid a crash. I propose a standard red for normal braking, but if a certain amount of pressure is put on them, more lights turn on and they are darker. Everyone with a brain cell and a pulse knows that traffic is caused by unnecessary braking, with these lights it may be possible to get traffic moving faster. Yes, I realize this is a popular proposal. Why doesn't this happen?

OCTOBER 2002. Bad-Smell Burp-Away.
It is obvious Americans are self-conscious about bad breath. We have so many answers to the problem on the market- gum, mints, strips, mouthwash, etc. However, what do we have to get rid of those awful smelling silent burps? Trying to talk through a "bad burp" is about as attractive as smearing manure in your hair. The smell of bad burps could singe the nostril hairs of anyone within a 50-foot radius. There must be a cure.

OCTOBER 2002. Happy Hour magnets.
Attention college students: grab a pad of paper. Write down a list of the 20 most popular bars in the area. Visit each one and find out their happy hour specials. Put them on a master list, organized in a table so someone can easily look to compare the best happy hour of the night. Make this table visually appealing, hopefully about half the size of a piece of notebook paper. Show to each bar manager; tell them if they want their establishment on this (which will eventually be a magnet), they should pay you $200. Promise them you will get this in the hands of 2,000 students. The bar manager will pay roughly ten cents to reach each person, which is a good deal in advertising dollars. Take your money, print 2,000 magnets through a cheap printer found on the Web, set up a booth in your student union area for an afternoon, give magnets out to everyone you see. Do this until magnets are distributed, put money in the bank. Save it; loans are no fun.

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