DEAR FASHION-IMPAIRED STRANGER...

To be seen in the April/May 2006 "Fashion" issue of Industry Magazine

By: B -- 2/3/06

Hey. Hey there, can I talk to you for a second? Yes, you. It won’t take long, I promise.

I want to ask you a few questions about your wardrobe. Yes, that’s correct. Your wardrobe, your clothes. Your impossibly dated, embarrassingly backwoods attire. Basically, I’m wondering what you’re thinking, looking like this in public. I just don’t get it.

Before I begin, let me say this: I do not care about fashion. Do. Not. Care. Not one damn iota. In my opinion, it’s a useless facet of our society that merits no discussion. Fashion is simply not interesting to me.

I have, however, learned one important lesson: clothes do matter. No matter how little I care about fashion, I recognize it to be an important extension of self. Your clothing represents you and it provides an insight into your personality and values. It’s an unfortunate fact; one that’s not going away anytime soon. And it’s high time you pull your head out of the sand, come to terms with this reality and stop walking around like such a goddamn embarrassment. Please listen to me. It’s for your own good.

Are you afraid that new clothes are too expensive? I promise you they are not. If you’re budget-conscious, you can find acceptable clothing simply by scouring the clearance racks at the Gap or Banana Republic. And have you seen the selection at Target? Their clothes are fantastic, and the price tags prove they’re created specifically for cheap bastards such as yourself (and me, truthfully. I’m wearing Target right now. Seriously, that’s where this shirt came from. Feel it. Go on, give it a rub. Nice, right?)

Is it ease of use that frightens you? Do you have concerns about comfort? Because, just an FYI, the latest clothes function essentially the same as the ones you’re wearing. They’re no more or less comfortable; they’re no more or less easy to put on. Buttons, snaps and zippers haven’t gotten any more difficult to execute in recent years. It takes just as long to don an attractive shirt as it does an ugly one. Please write that down.

Are you too busy? Is there too little time in your day to take steps to not look like a halfwit? I can’t believe that to be true. Head to one of the aforementioned outfitters, seek out the basic patterns and locate your size. Done and done. And if you’re desperate, bring a shopping buddy for guidance. You surely have plenty of friends who, unlike you, don’t have their heads situated directly up their asses. I’ll bet they’d love to join you.

Does your outfit represent an important political statement? Do those pleated trousers and shoulder pads represent a larger-level declaration? Are you consciously bucking trends to prove a point? What I’m asking is, is it important that you continue to bear such hopeless threads? I know it’s an unlikely scenario, but this is what your wardrobe choices are doing to me, and society as a whole. We are at a loss, and desperately clutching at straws for a suitable explanation.

For the life of me, I can’t understand people like you who sport such outdated clothing. I’m trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, I truly am, but you’re embarrassing yourself. And for what? To save a few bucks, to stick to your roots, to prove you aren’t superficial? That’s not the message we’re receiving. Your clothes are saying loud and clear, “I am a stingy, stubborn disgrace who has lost touch with reality.”

Is that what you’re going for? Because if so, I’ll leave you alone. Just keep on keepin’ on.

But if not, please consider an update. We (society) aren’t asking for much. We’re just asking to not see the tongues of your sneakers. That you throw away the jeans with the nine-inch zippers. That you burn all fabrics acid-washed. That you establish your hairstyle will be either “business” or “party,” because you just can’t have it both ways.

It’s a simple process, this wardrobe renaissance. You don’t need to drain your bank account or drastically alter your appearance. Believe me, no one wants you squeezing into high-fashion, uber-trendy attire. Those people look just as ridiculous as you do.

But know this: there are a number of folks your age that have learned how to subtly modernize their wardrobe. We’ve seen them. They are so beautiful they make our eyes water. They get carded at bars, hit on by strangers, offered sweet jobs. And they aren’t necessarily wearing the hippest designer outfits; they’re simply sporting a shirt that hasn’t been through 500 loads of laundry. A shirt that didn’t make its first public appearance during the Reagan administration.

There’s a happy medium between fashion mogul and the demons emanating from your closet. Find that medium, and fer chrissakes find it soon. Because I’ll tell you what: next time you’re out in public you can take with you either (a) that outfit, or (b) your genitals. Because you won’t be needing both. Trust me.

TAKE ME TO THE TOP