DREAMING OF HAYMAKERS

By: B -- 7/19/06

In Bill Simmons' recent Mailbag column, a reader asked an intriguing question, "If there's one famous person you'd like to fight, who would it be?" My friend Janelle and I had a fun convo this past weekend discussing our likely top-5 picks, and I've been thinking about my potential final selection(s) ever since.

Because I hate so very many famous people, this has been a trying exercise. I've finally decided to break down my picks into three categories: Hollywood celebrities, sports figures and miscellaneous miscreants. My final list looks like this:

HOLLYWOOD

Tom Cruise -- I probably told this story on the WoB already (I don't feel like checking), but I have a friend Bob who works on the production staff of movies in L.A. While on the set of War of the Worlds, Bob was forced to deal with Scientology recruiters approaching him with their propaganda while he was trying to work. Blame Cruise for demanding a Scientology tent on-site.

Mel Gibson -- Proactively created the controversy over Passion of the Christ by allowing only certain religions to see advanced screenings. Also, Payback was horrible. I'd like a payback for that crap.

Joe Simpson -- I'd like to punch any dude who says about his oldest daughter, "Jessica doesn't try to be sexy, she just is sexy." That's just wrong. He is also one-half to blame for Ashlee Simpson.

Kevin Federline -- Just seems like a guy who'd be mighty fun to crack across the jaw.

Star Jones -- The only woman I'd ever consider punching. Also the only woman I'd ever run from after said punch. Chick's scary.

SPORTS

A.J. Pierzynski -- My most hated active professional athlete. There is nothing -- nothing -- worse than a bush league ballplayer. A.J. is the epitome. I'm fairly certain I could make him cry.

Kevin Brown -- Such a dick, though he does get sympathy points for sucking so hard for the Evil Empire. Still, I would be a happy man if I were given an opportunity to fight him (though I know I'd lose; he'd probably re-break his pitching hand on my skull).

Isaac Bruce -- My most hated athlete ever. Here's why.

Joe Morgan -- Morgan's a crotchety ass clown whose love for the Yankees is maddeningly transparent. He adds nothing to the game, unless you're the type of person who enjoys throwing remote controls at the television. If that's the case, he's your man.

Joe Buck -- Kind of a cop-out choice since he made Simmons' list as well, but my reasoning is for his laughable over-reaction to Randy Moss' fake-moon at Lambeau a few years ago. His disgust was so heated you would've thought Moss peed on a kid in a wheelchair or something.

MISC.

Scott Stapp -- The quintessential douchebag. Thinks he's Jesus, sucks at poker (anyone see his horrible play on Bravo's Celebrity Poker Challenge? Sean Penn's character from I Am Sam coulda taken him), starts fights for no reason, makes horrible music. I'm pretty sure most men in the world would love to have a stab at kicking this guy's ass.

Larry The Cable Guy -- Obviously.

Carl Monday -- Again, quite obvious. I'm a complete wuss, and even so, I'd bet I'd have this guy knocked unconscious in a matter of seconds. And I'm not even a combat vet.

Rush Limbaugh -- Too easy, but I can't leave this raging hypocritical a-hole off the list. I've oft-times envisioned him stumbling backwards in shock after a left jab from yours truly. As a bonus, after kicking his ass I could probably steal his choice drugs. Nice.

Ann Coulter -- I'd fight Coulter, though I don't think I could bring myself to punch her. But in the spirit of Chris Rock, I'd shake the shit outta her.

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