THE "HYPOCRITE PENALTY"

By: B -- 8/18/06

This may be old news, or, more likely, not really news at all, but former Minneapolis City Council Member Dean Zimmermann was recently convicted of three public corruption charges. He evidently solicited and accepted a few grand in cash bribes in return of changing some zoning laws.

Now, I don’t usually care to pass judgment on the misfortunes, fuck-ups or flawed karma of others; I say let the courts handle it, they’ll be rightly punished, not really any of my business, all that. I’m not atop my high horse here, just stating it’s not something I usually do. So Zimmermann got convicted. Big whup. Let’s move on.

Except…except…

Zimmermann is a noted member of the Green Party. Yes, the Green Party, an entire political faction of hippies and pacifists who claim to value, above all else, social justice, environmentalism and economic equality.

And patchouli.

And leather sandals.

But I digress. Thing is, the shady business dealings are often evidence enough of someone’s douchebagness (invented word ©worldofb.com). But in this instance, Zimmermann’s membership in the Green Party makes his conviction that much more appalling. If the man was a card-carrying Republican, I’d bet most of us would barely shrug at the news, but a member of the Green Party? What a charlatan.

If Zimmermann is a money-hungry cockbite (which he apparently is), he should just go ahead and admit to being a Republican. Or an Independent. Anything, really, other than a Green Party member. Hiding behind that bohemian, tree hugging, tye-dying, free love, make-your-own-soap political party is ri-goddamn-diculous, not to mention wholly dishonest. No legit believer in the Green Party tenets would be involved in the kinds of things that got Zimmermann busted. For shame.

My solution: I would like to formally propose a “hypocrite penalty” for cases like this. The ruling would state that anyone convicted of a crime that proves they’re a hypocrite will be sentenced to double the original punishment. Three months in jail becomes six, a $500 fine becomes a grand. Your typical child molester may get 20 years, but a child-groping priest deserves at least 40.

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