AMERICAN IDOL RECAP

By: B -- 3/1/05

Just for fun, in case you’ve found yourself regrettably addicted to American Idol like me, a recap from this past week’s shows:

Mario Vazquez
Mario’s got the cocked hat and matching coat and blah blah polished voice blah good dancer blah blah song I don’t recognize blah blah blah he’ll probably win.

Anwar Robinson
Anwar is every mother’s fantasy -- he’s a college educated, classically trained music teacher with a bright smile -- which makes me dislike him. He’s one of the abundant squeaky-clean contestants. Nevertheless, his cover of “What’s Going On” is solid. He’ll be top five or six.

Joseph Murena
Joe, with his chest hair and gold chain and oversized collar, looks like Tom Jones but works it while singing Al Green’s “Let’s Stay Together.” He’s got the voice but his old man creepiness will most likely result in an earlier exit than he deserves. No one will care, including me.

David Brown
DB seems like a nice guy, but if he sticks around after this week it will be an abomination. He winces through Stevie’s “All In Love Is Fair” and promptly gets scolded by the judges.

Constantine
Um. Wow. I just…wow. In his pre-performance interview, Constantine growls at the camera and claims he likes to “live life dangerously.” He then goes on to sing the worst rendition of an already annoying song – “Hard to Handle” – that I’ve ever heard. He constantly looks drunk, constantly humps the mic, constantly mumbles and moans and screams and makes Billy Idol sex faces to no one in particular. Oh, and he’s 29 years old. Please, America, make him stop.

Scott Savol
Though he looks like a pale Suge Knight, complete with chin-strap facial hair and smoky sunglasses, this ghetto-ass fat boy can wail. His song choice is weak, however, and I’d be saddened but not shocked if he gets sent home.

Travis Tucker
Travis looks so content just to be part of the experience that I almost feel bad saying he doesn’t have the talent to make it. He doesn’t, but since he dances while he sings I’d bet he gets the votes to stick around longer than he should.

Anthony Fedorov
Before singing, Anthony tells Ryan that he’s “honored to be compared to such a successful recording artist as Clay Aiken.” Anthony: we’ve got Clay and we’ve got Josh Groban – how many more white, stand-still, no-instrument-playing singers can we handle? None. Learn an instrument or stick to the cruise ship circuit. And stop being such a wiener.

Nikko Smith
Kicked all kinds of ass with his cover of “Let’s Get It On.” It was the performance of the week, and Nikko is currently my favorite of all the contestants. He’s got a sort of nasaly voice, but his personality and originality more than make up for it. Dig Nikko.

Bo Bice
Bo rightfully brings the house down with his rendition of “Whipping Post” by the Allman Brothers. He’s no doubt one of the top male performers, but I’m afraid he’ll get prematurely voted off if he continues to choose these semi-obscure songs. If all is right in the land of Text-Message-Voting America, Bo will be one of the last two or three standing.

I was planning on writing about the women as well but they bored me too much to deserve the space. Very quickly: Carrie Underwood is great in certain genres, Vonzell might be amazing but I just can’t tell, Fran Drescher Jr is sickening, Nadia Turner is interesting but not very talented and Amanda Avila and Jessica Sierra are both 20 going on 45.

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