AMERICAN IDOL RECAP

By: B -- 3/29/05

The story this week, by a longshot, is Paula Abdul, who is still completely batshit. I predicted this last April and I will here again: Paula Abdul will be in treatment soon. I don’t know what she’s on, but she has become a full-on space cadet – she must be stealing from Anna Nicole Smith's stash.

This week’s American Idol theme is “Songs From the 90’s.”

Bo Bice
Rocks the instrument-heavy “Remedy” by the Black Crowes. Bo glides around the stage, mic stand in hand, with an assured persona that his competitors can’t even dream of.

Jessica Sierra
An easy way to judge the staying power of an American Idol contestant is to simply close your eyes while he or she performs. If the performer doesn’t sound radio-worthy, he or she will not win the competition. It’s as simple as that. Using this method, Sierra doesn’t have a chance in Hell. Her performance of a Dixie Chicks song -- I don’t know the name -- does not pass the Radio Test. Not even close.

Anwar Robinson
Anwar’s definitely got the chops, but is in dire need of a P.R. consultant. When you’re performing for a voter base made up mostly of underage girls, singing an R. Kelly song (“I Believe I Can Fly”) probably isn’t your best choice. Anwar’s creepiness factor (even if it’s only by association) is at an all-time high, and the Billy Dee Williams mustache isn’t helping.

Nadia Turner
Nadia’s song choice of Melissa Etheridge’s “I’m the Only One” is perfect. It complements her soulful voice, which is powerful but lacks range. Nadia hasn’t a prayer to make a career as a singer, but her deft song choices should keep her in this competition longer than her voice quality deserves.

Constantine
Oh, the laughter. It begins with Constantine’s pre-performance interview in which he discusses how much grunge music meant to him while growing up. It changed his life, he says, and inspired him to be in a rock band. Then, we see Constantine sitting on the steps of the stage, giving the camera his trademark date-rapist glare as he begins to sing Bonnie Raitt’s “I Can’t Make You Love Me.” Just like Cobain would have done.

Nikko Smith
With his nasaly-yet-soulful voice and minimal stage movement, Nikko’s performance of Tevin Campbell’s “Can We Talk” is as good as he is going to get. He easily passes the Radio Test and remains my favorite – for his solid song choices and constant attempts to improve on them, rather than simply imitate them – despite his obvious voice limitations.

Anthony Fedorov
Anthony decides to take off his glasses for this performance, which make his eyes look the size of peas; sort of like a bespectacled-less Milhouse. A-Fed’s love for enunciation is distracting to say the least, and the song choice of Elton John’s “Something About the Way You Look Tonight” is a regretful one. A tip for future American Idol competitors: don’t ever sing an Elton John song. His voice is much too distinct and you’ll come off looking like a cruise ship hack. This rule also applies to Whitney Houston (see below), Chaka Khan, Alicia Keys, Aretha Franklin, Prince and Stevie Wonder.

Carrie Underwood
Carrie’s version of Martina McBride’s “Independence Day” passes the Radio Test with flying colors, but she comes up short in personality. Her stage presence mirrors Diana Digarmo’s, yet I wouldn’t be surprised if she won the whole thing.

Scott Savol
Scott still looks like a white Suge Knight, complete with the chin strap beard and roly-poly torso. Scott’s unfortunate penchant for ballads (such as tonight’s “One Last Cry” by Brian McKnight) may get him kicked off soon, but the guy can definitely wail. He may break out of his shell and prove to be the best vocalist in the competition, or he may be sent home tomorrow.

Vonzell Salomon
Vonzell sings Whitney Houston’s “I Have Nothing”, which depresses me to no end. Every goddamn woman on Earth between the ages of 20 and 25 has heard – and sung – this song thousands upon thousands of times. Even I know every word to this song, and I can’t stand Whitney Houston. So even though Vonzell sounded powerful and pitch-perfect, I hated every second of it.

Rankings:
1.) Bo Bice 2.) Carrie Underwood 3.) Anwar Robinson 4.) Nadia Turner 5.) Vonzell Solomon 6.) Constantine 7.) Nikko Smith 8.) Scott Savol 9.) Jessica Sierra 10.) Anthony Fedorov

I am ashamed to know so much about this show.

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