MY MISSION STATEMENT

Also published in Industry Magazine

By: B

In my life, every free minute of every day is spent on pop culture. Whether it's vegging out in front of the telly, listening to music or going to movies, I devote my life completely to all that is pop. It is the sweetest of guilty pleasures, on par with dancing to rap music- everyone wants to do it but no one is particularly proud of themselves afterwards.

At my very worst moments, when I'm feeling the guiltiest about how I spend my free time, I convince myself that the only things worth learning are the things that may lead to conversation. I tell myself that without communication, knowledge is useless. Such is the life of a pop culture aficionado; I believe that basic chit-chat matters above all else. And I know I'm not alone. My ears are firmly planted to the train tracks of cutting-edge America, and they are telling me if I don't know about Justin Timberlake or the Olsen twins, then brother, good luck getting a word in edgewise. In today's society, we can choose to either, a.) take the high road and dedicate our free time to bettering ourselves as human beings, or b.) immerse ourselves in the filth that dominates discussions.

The first option is clearly the most desirable. Reading the classics will assuredly be more beneficial than reading Oprah's list. Chess trumps Tetris. Signing up for the Peace Corps should be more rewarding than signing up for the latest reality series. We all agree there are more constructive ways to spend your time than watching the putrid primetime television lineup. I would love to be the type to shun the entertainment culture surrounding us; I want to bust out and change the world. The hopes of witty banter should not be the deciding factor when making life choices.

Unfortunately, I'm a sucker for a good conversation. I know more about The Real World than the real world. In my defense, I am not inherently interested in celebrities and reality television; my particular sickness is a need for involvement. I don't subscribe to fan clubs or base my purchases on the Billboard charts. I don't call athletes by their first names or pretend to know actors just because I read an interview in People. I don't care to see pictures of an A-lister buying a cappuccino. If I were a better person I would never have heard of Anna Nicole Smith. But I can't help it -- I just want to be included in the conversation.

To be honest, pop culture has taught me countless lessons throughout the years. By watching The Real World, I've learned that eating someone else's peanut butter with my fingers will assuredly annoy said peanut butter owner. Swimming naked or engaging in threesomes with new roommates is a great way to loosen up the meet-and-greet. Most importantly, alcohol is an ideal lubricant for candid conversations.

Above all, pop culture tells me what not to do, and for that I am a better person. Don't fear the reaper. Don't assume Britney is that innocent, because she's not. Don't flash your nipple during halftime. Don't sleep with other women while you and your girlfriend are on a break. Don't go back to Rockville. Don't do Alanis Morrisette wrong. Don't put Baby in a corner. Don't you worry 'bout a thing. Don't let celebrities hold public office. Don't hold your newborn over a balcony. Don't trust OJ. Don't, don't, don't, don't you forget about me.

It's a pop world we live in, and while denial is a noble idea, ignoring the syrupy nectar of popular culture will only serve in cementing your status as a third-rate conversationalist. Prepare to be the wingman, to have your calls go unanswered, to spend your time at parties looking through photo albums at the kitchen table. Stick with the diatribe about how hip-hop is the demise of a once-great nation, keep wearing your standard henleys and pleated khakis, continue telling us how great the world of yesteryear was compared to today. Me, I'm renewing my subscription to Entertainment Weekly and buying the newest threads. I'm eagerly guzzling the Kool-Aid. It's a pathetic world we live in, but I have no choice. You see, the people at the water cooler are talking, and I want in.

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