THE CASE OF THE MYSTERY SUBSTANCE

By: B -- 8/24/06

(I swear on Kirby Puckett’s grave this story is true.)

I rarely write about my day job on this website. Just sort of a personal rule most of us online writers employ. Call it a necessary church-and-state mentality; after all, none of us want to get Dooced.

That said, I have a work story I’d like to share.

My company owns a suite in a large office building. It's a posh atmosphere through and through; beautiful landscaping outside, glass doors to all the office suites, plush carpeting lining the halls, classy elevator music pumping throughout the day. It’s elegant, quiet, and totally professional.

This story takes place in my office building.

Yesterday afternoon my co-worker ambled into my office wearing a disgusted look on his face, claiming there was “something nasty” on the hallway ground near the bathrooms. He wouldn’t say what he thought it might be, but he quickly convinced a nearby officemate to join him to re-investigate. They sneaked into the hall for a few minutes, and soon enough I heard the office door open as they rushed back from the hallway, whooping in disbelief while fast-walking back to my office to report their finding.

They’d tiptoed up on the foreign substance as if investigating a crime. The hallway was deserted. After cautiously glancing at each other, they simultaneously bent over for a closer look … and immediately, irrefutably, the mystery was solved.

There was a turd on the floor. A smallish, moist, baby-fist-sized piece of human feces. Just lying there. On the carpet. In an office building. In the middle of the day.

My two co-workers were loudly talking over each other trying to complete the story to me. They were awestruck and giddy, practically bouncing with joy at the random uniqueness of the situation. Such a thing has obviously never happened during work. This was incredible.

The rest of the story is as follows: after smelling the turd and leaping back in horror, they warily searched around for a culprit. With the hallway empty, each decided to inspect their respective nearby bathrooms for clues. However, on their way in, my female co-worker spotted two more Huxtables – both smaller but turds nonetheless – near the women’s bathroom door.

The co-worker crept into the lavatory and noticed the far stall was occupied. She waited silently for a few moments, but not a noise was made. The person occupying said stall (whom we presume accidentally lost control of her bowels as she was rushing to the toilet on a day she’d decided to (a) wear a skirt, and (b) riskily forgo underwear) was, most likely, silently weeping in shame. That is probably a natural reaction to what had just happened. One probably cries, long and hard, in the relative comfort of a bathroom stall, wondering just how in the world her life took this unspeakably embarrassing turn.

My co-workers and I were absolutely floored at this story. We leaned forward, mouths agape, unable to form words. We shook our heads and looked around at one another in giddy silence. This was, by far, the craziest thing we’d ever had happen at the typically conservative office building. This was one for the ages.

And a story I thought you all deserved to hear.

Now, I didn’t share the story to make you laugh. Not at all. You shouldn’t be laughing. Why? Because it’s not funny. It’s heartbreaking, is what it is.

The real reason I told this story is to help put your own life in perspective, appreciate how lucky you really are. Chances are many of you didn’t have a great day yesterday. Happens all the time. You could’ve been nursing a hangover, dealing with a head cold, feeling a bit overweight, or just having a typical rough day at the office. There are a million ways to experience a not-so-fun Tuesday.

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