DEAR NICKELBACK...

By: B

Dear Nickelback,

I hate doing this in a letter, but I don't think I can be with you anymore. I know it would be more respectful to break up in person, but I am weak. I just don't think it's working between us. We want different things and should go our separate ways.

If it makes you feel any better, I want you to know that I will always remember the good times. It's just that we want different things out of our music. You did nothing wrong, Nickelback. In some way I will always love you.

I remember the first time I saw you. I was dragged to X-fest in Somerset, Wisconsin, completely against my will. Being in such a different environment, I never expected to meet anyone I would fall for. But then you walked on stage. You were beautiful.

To be honest, I didn't know any of your music. Not a word, not a chord. But that didn't matter, because you seemed so great, a band that could really make it big. With that wonderful voice and obvious musical aptitude, there appeared to be no ceiling.

What really pulled me in was your speech at the end of the show. You addressed us, the audience, by saying that you wanted to shake the hand of each and every one of us. The Hollywood scene was for poseurs, for guys who were just in it for the money. This was not Nickelback. Nickelback just wanted to kick ass and drink beer and stuff. You were like us, you said. You assured us that you were going to be true and keep rocking and rolling. We ate it up.

As you know, we were happy from then on. I supported you through the small-town bars and cheap hotels. We were together, and that was all that mattered. That and the music. You had some tunes on the radio started getting some recognition, and I was so proud of you.

Then came Silver Side Up, the beginning of the end. At first it seemed like standard Nickelback fare: pounding guitars and raucous vocals. But it had these pop hooks that got in your head and wouldn't let go. It had that polished, contrived “radio” sound to it, along with lyrics like “Kicking your ass would be a pleasure.” That was unsatisfactory, and many of your loyal fans took off, hurt and confused.

But I stuck with you, because we were together. You said that at some point you would get back to rocking, that you just wanted an audience. I can dig that; everybody wants to be heard. You told me it would get better.

But it hasn't, Nickelback. It is so much worse. First you sang “Hero” for the Spider-Man soundtrack, a power ballad prepared strictly for Total Request Live. You followed that trash up with even more trash, this new collaboration with Carlos Santana.

I just can't sit here and wait for you to get your head on straight. I saw your live show lately and there were pyrotechnics. You seem to be doing your best impression of Poison. We used to hate Poison together!

Seriously, I wish you the best. I think you can still be great someday; you just need to get your head out of the gutter. Remember what it felt like to really kick ass? To completely rock while singing to adults?

I can understand why people are in it for the money. That is why some people make music and movies and stuff. They aren't in it for the statement, for changing lives by making a real difference. And it's okay if you too, Nickelback, want to devote your musical career to making music that the masses will like and buy. I just feel that I was lied to. And I am not going to be with you as you attempt to work your way into every song list of every junior high dance across the country.

This boot-cut jean wearing, stylish F-bomb throwing, fire lighting, TRL interviewing, photo shooting, power ballad singing, sell-out phase must end soon! What's next, a tour with Creed? A cover of “Every Rose Has It's Thorn”? Nickelback lunch boxes and a Dr. Pepper commercial?

I only say this because I care. It shouldn't have ended this way.

Always,

B

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