THE 2004 ACADEMY AWARDS: A RUNNING JOURNAL

By: B -- 2/27/05

In keeping with tradition of documenting notable and/or historic events for the World of B, I’ve decided to cover the 2004 Academy Awards in running journal form. Before I get to the commentary, I’d like to share my predictions for six of the most important awards:

Best Supporting Actress: Cate Blanchett
Best Supporting Actor: Morgan Freeman
Best Actress: Hillary Swank
Best Actor: Jamie Foxx
Best Director: Clint Eastwood
Best Picture: Million Dollar Baby

Below are my real-time observations, with minimal editing conducted after the Awards.

6:32 -- As I’m watching the god-awful Academy Awards pre-show (and fantasizing about kidnapping Star Jones and dumping her in the middle of the ocean) I’d like to share my theory on deciding on the most deserving Best Actor and Actress awards. Though it might be obvious, I always choose the role that no one else could have pulled off. To me, uniqueness is far more important than realistic depiction.

Let’s use the 2003 Best Actor award between Sean Penn for Mystic River and Bill Murray for Lost in Translation as an example. Penn’s performance was no doubt passionate, determined and dead-on. Nevertheless, I can easily imagine a handful of performers pulling off a similar performance in the same role: Tom Hanks, Liam Neeson, Russell Crowe, Johnny Depp, and more. On the other hand, I can think of exactly zero actors who could have pulled off the funny, tender and touching performance required by Murray’s character in Translation. What actor in the world could have molded such humor and earnestness and remained believable? Um…Robin Williams? Nah.

Murray and Penn were equally amazing, but Murray’s performance was unmatchable.

7:34 -- The Academy Awards finally begin, with host Chris Rock! I’ve never been this excited for an Academy Awards host. “Welcome to the 77 th, and last, Academy Awards!” is how he begins the show. His monologue is funny and, most important, original. There is no watered-down, Jay Lenoish trash that would have been given by the standard MCs, and for that I am grateful.

7:44 Halle Berry comes on stage to present the first award (for Art Direction, eventually going to The Aviator), leading to this exchange:

My mom: I think she looks better with short hair.”
My brother: “I think she looks better topless.”

7:47 -- The Best Supporting Actor award is given to Morgan Freeman for his performance as “Morgan Freeman” in Million Dollar Baby. I don’t get it either. He gives what will probably be the best speech, lasting under 30 seconds.

7:56 -- Robin Williams, presenting Best Animation, manages to make 15 unfunny jokes in under a minute, shattering his own record of 12.

8:02 -- The announcer says “Please welcome the multi-talented Drew Barrymore.” Why is Barrymore introduced as “multi-talented”? What talent does she have besides playing the same character in every movie she’s in? Did she refuse to present an award unless this was included in her introduction? Will anyone else be described with such a prestigious adjective?

8:19 -- The Best Supporting Actress award goes to Cate Blanchett for her portrayal of Katherine Hepburn in The Aviator. I can’t say she doesn’t deserve the award, but I’m saddened nevertheless. Blanchett’s Hepburn was so annoying that I found myself rooting against her.

8:32 -- Kirsten Dunst and Orlando Bloom are both announced as presenters. Neither is deemed multi-talented.

8:35 -- Did you know Sideshow Bob is the lead singer of The Counting Crows? Maybe that explains their disappointing output since August and Everything After.

8:43 -- Following some funny banter between Rock and Adam Sandler (also not multi-talented), Sandler presents the award for Best Original Screenplay to…Sideways! This was my favorite film of 2004, so I will show an inordinate amount of enthusiasm for every time something from it wins. YEEAHHH!

8:57 -- A Lifetime Achievement Award is presented to Sidney Lumet. He has directed what appear to be about 75 classic movies, but Network and 12 Angry Men are the only ones I’ve seen. I don’t know who looks worse here: Lumet, or me.

9:20 -- After 23 minutes of forgettable drivel, Chris Rock announces the new presenters by saying, “You won’t be able to take your eyes off these next four presenters: Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek.” Nice.

9:27 -- Antonio Banderas is also deemed multi-talented by the Academy! He sings a song with Carlos Santana while sporting sopping wet hair. Antonio, couldn’t you have toweled off before performing? Did we pull you away from a pickup basketball game?

9:37 -- The director of the Best Documentary Short award begins with: “I don’t know about you guys but I’ve been working on my Oscar speech since I was eight years old in the bathtub.” Were you as shit-faced then as you are now, pal? I can smell your breath from here.

9:48 -- Just over two hours into the Oscars I deem this show officially boring, and I think I know how to fix it. The Oscars need to infuse more music into the show. Not just the Oscar nominated songs, but many of the popular songs from the year. Imagine Damien Rice’s “Cannonball” from Closer, The Shins’ “Kissing the Lipless” from Garden State, Ray Charles’ “Georgia On My Mind” (performed by Jamie Foxx) from Ray and a half-dozen or so other songs that exemplify the year in movies. I’m sorry, but this is a stellar idea.

10:04 -- The Best Actress award is given to Hillary Swank, which is exciting even though it was by all means a no-brainer. She is gracious but long-winded, and most important, she looks fantastic.

10:16 -- One of my favorite awards, Best Original Screenplay, goes to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I gleefully pump both my fists in the air. I loved this movie.

10:25 -- The Best Actor award is given to Jamie Foxx. He receives a deserved standing ovation. Everyone looks thrilled; Eastwood, Hackford, Winslet, Oprah, everyone. Using my aforementioned theory, Foxx is clearly the most deserving of this award. No one in the entire world could have pulled off this performance. Same goes with Swank’s performance.

10:33 -- Best Director goes to Clint Eastwood. Though there was a small outcry hoping for Scorcese to win because of his past work, Eastwood’s work was clearly more deserving. M$B teetered on the edge of clichéd nonsense; it was Eastwood’s steady eye and deliberate pacing that made it soar. Just because Scorcese got screwed over in 1976 for his work in Taxi Driver doesn’t mean he deserves an Oscar this year. That logic is simply ass-backwards. Good call, Academy.

10:36 -- Barbra Streisand comes out to present the award for Best Picture. My cousin says, “She looks like Suzanne Somers in one of those messed-up circus mirrors.”

10:38 -- Million Dollar Baby is given the honor of 2004’s Best Picture award (making me six-for-six in predictions). This ends a two-year slide of so-so films that never deserved Best Picture status: 2002’s Chicago and last year’s Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. Love it or hate it (I thought it was great), M$B is what Best Picture winners are all about; a larger-than-life story rarely told.

TAKE ME TO THE TOP