THE CURB KICKING HEARD 'ROUND THE WORLD

By: B -- 5/25/05

To be seen in July 2005 issue of Industry Magazine

By the time this issue of Industry hits the pavement, the saga surrounding Brad Pitt’s breakup with wife Jennifer Aniston for man-serpent Angelina Jolie may very well be old news. Chances are this love triangle controversy will have drifted into the celebrity sunset, overshadowed by more urgent pop culture goings-on.

Another possibility is that Brad and Angelina have already parted ways. Hollywood relationships move faster than a drunken Catholic on prom night, so I wouldn’t be surprised. But as I write this, the Brad/Jen/Angelina saga has spent an inordinate amount of time as the main topic in gossip columns and in the conversations of those who read such columns.

To me, the gossip portion is of little interest. Brad Pitt could decide to date Ray Romano and I wouldn’t bat an eye; this is Hollywood after all, and Hollywood is batshit crazy. The aspect I want to explore is why this particular saga has sparked such unprecedented uproar throughout Water Cooler America, and why the lines seem to be divided by gender.

Most women in the know seem genuinely disappointed in Brad’s actions; almost as if they’re ashamed they ever cared about him. The fact that an ostensibly perfect couple such as Brad and Jen couldn’t make it in this crazy world has left many women with a feeling of gloom and, above all, confusion.

To most females in the Heartland, Jen is their example of All That Is Right in Hollywood. She’s beautiful, she’s in shape and she usually portrays level-headed characters in her films; therefore she’s perceived as being level-headed in real life. Women view Jen as Rachel Green, a cute, smart, “together” lady; she has what every woman wants. If she gets dumped, what does this say about their chances?

The confusion portion of the Brad and Jen breakup stems from the presence of Angelina, quite possibly the most hated female celebrity in the world. No other female on the face of the earth produces such feelings of threat from other women. Blame it on her flawless looks, jaw-dropping body or her independent and, above all, mysterious personality; whatever the reason, Angelina is viewed as The Enemy. The fact that she stole Rachel Green’s hubby has caused this hatred to manifest. The Angelina Jolie’s of the world make women sick with intimidation.

On the other hand….

Like me, most men couldn’t be less surprised at the outcome of this. So, you’re telling me that one of the biggest studs on the planet chose the mysterious sexpot over the cute Girl Next Door-type? Shocking. We haven’t been this unsurprised since Jacko was thrown in the clink for his creepy behavior toward youngsters. Unfortunately for us, women take the blank stares in our eyes to mean that, given the opportunity, we’d gladly dump our significant others for an upgrade in the attraction department; an outlook that is both inaccurate and unfair.

However, while I’m not saying we’d make the same choice, I will admit that we understand the logic.

Think of the scenario: a mega-movie star reaches 40 years old and decides he wants a family. His wife, equally famous but aware of the over-40 ceiling experienced by Hollywood women, delays the baby-making by eagerly snapping up role after role (the Get It While It’s Hot Theory). The husband, obviously not sensing the same ceiling, is feeling the procreation anxiety as he travels to the set of his new film, Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

Enter Angelina Jolie, the actor’s co-star and an undeniably smoking-hot sexpot with no ties and, being six years younger, no ceiling. In Angelina, the actor anticipates not only the most sought-after sexcapade opportunity on the planet, but also a woman with an extreme case of baby fever, no doubt eager to spawn his flawless offspring. Compared to his totally mature, totally “with it,” career-minded wife, Angelina’s independent attitude represents excitement. She’s a freak, sure, but I’d bet that’s exactly what Brad was looking for.

Not only is Brad’s decision completely reasonable, it was also predictable. The unexpected shock exhibited by the public only caused the scandal rags to waste space that could have been spent on more pressing matters, such as, oh, I don’t know…Tom Cruise’s current string of increasingly younger girlfriends. At this point, I wouldn’t even be surprised if we saw him with Dakota Fanning.

See what we’ve been missing? Now that’s the gossip worth covering.

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