DEAR POTBELLY EMPLOYEES...

By: B -- 10/1/05

Dear Potbelly employees,

I’d like to begin by telling you how much I enjoy your food. Love it. I’ve been a regular customer of yours for over a year now, and I routinely declare that your sandwiches are vastly better than your competitors. In fact, when a Potbelly location opened up near my office, I developed an unabashed addiction to your turkey sub. Not great for the waistline, but it was worth every lost belt notch. Oh, how I love your sandwiches. And the hot peppers? I don’t know whether to eat them or make love to them.

But to be honest, I haven’t visited your establishment in a great while. I’ve been Potbelly-free for over a month now. My love for your sandwiches hasn’t diminished one iota; the reason for my absence is due to one minor complaint, which I will now voice in the form of a question:

WHAT THE FUCK IS SO GODDAMN FUNNY?

Seriously, what is it? You can’t honestly be having that much fun. You’re clowning around like morons, laughing your asses off while you apply the fixins, making silly jokes…your enthusiasm is just not possible. Don’t you realize that you’re at work? Not only are you at work, but you’re making fucking sandwiches all day. I make sandwiches myself sometime, and I have never broken out into an impromptu song-and-dance. Not once.

Is the obnoxious screaming, forced high fives and feigned merriment really necessary? Do you enjoy making your customers stare at the ground and pray to God that the experience is over quickly? Do you realize that we pretend to be on our cells just to avoid conversing with you? Does exaggerated tomfoolery have to be part of the sammy-making process?

Just calm the fuck down. Everyone knows you’re miserable.

In a way, I understand your strained gusto. I’m sure in your training sessions your manager said to perk up! and be positive! and always smile! because the customer likes to see cheerful employees! And we do. I won’t deny that. I’m not asking for poor customer service, I’m not asking for you to ignore me, but good lord, isn’t there some happy medium we can agree on? Please settle down. I miss the peppers.

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