RW/RR CHALLENGE: BATTLE OF THE SEXES 2

Week three: sluts, dry-humping and phone call drama

Episode #3 (4 if you count the intro episode) predictably begins with the cast (all 32 of them) out clubbing. Tonya promptly steals the late night scenes by again acting like the neighborhood whore. She seems to be using her appearance on the Challenge as an audition for softcore porn movies. She justifies it all by saying, “I’m young, I’m single and I’m here to have fun.” Evidently, Tonya’s idea of fun is making out with the goofy Theo anywhere and everywhere. Meanwhile, in another incredulous turn of events, Mike gives fatherly advice to the newer members of the challenge, warning them of the perils of alliances. Something has gone gravely awry if people are turning to The Miz for wisdom.

However, nothing is more appalling in week 3 than the implausible scrap between Tina and Tonya. Apparently, Tonya complained that Tina was using the team cell phone too often.

(Shrewd move by MTV to provide only one cell to 18 women. They may as well have provided them with just one hair dryer and shower towel, too. If anyone knows how to manipulate people into turning into complete spazzes, it’s MTV.)

When Tonya complains about Tina’s selfish overuse of the cell phone, Tina completely flips out. As Tonya blankly stares at her, Tina begins swearing at the top of her lungs like a drunken Osbourne. She flails her arms around wildly and begins punching a mattress, all while Tonya keeps her cool and tells her to “deal with it.” I’ll say this: if you’re making Tonya look normal, you’re completely wacko. And if you’re the craziest woman on the RW/RR Challenge, you ought to be deported. Tina now takes the cake as the Challenge’s Most Insane Woman, which is like being the biggest pothead on the Portland Trailblazers, or the smelliest Phish fan. Quite a feat.

I have to mention again that these first few episodes aren’t a whole lot of fun to watch. The drama isn’t a factor yet because of the sheer number of contestants still at the ranch. Once it gets down to a half dozen competitors, and Coral bitch-slaps Veronica for no good reason, and Dan has to calm Mike down after another shameless Miz-like rant, that’s when the fun begins. Really, it’s why I watch. These first few episodes? Just an extended opening act.

The Challenge: Melt With You

A huge block of ice, formed as a cowboy hat with a cell phone buried inside, serves as the only prop for Melt With You. Each team has to melt the ice block until they can get to the phone. The first team to make a call with the phone is the winner of the mission. Dan, Shane and Shawn volunteer to be the team leaders on the men’s team, with Kina, Aneesa and Ibis as the women representatives.

Simply put, this mission is the most homoerotic event ever allowed on national television. One guy would lie on top of the ice chunk, and another would lie on top of him. A few team members pushed the two guys back and forth to create friction (and a frightening dry-hump scene) in an attempt to melt the ice. The rest of the guys bent over with their asses against the ice and did a frantic booty dance.

The women, doing a decidedly smoother booty dance, weren’t as efficient with melting the top of the ice block. Tonya was nuts, putting rocks in her mouth and using them as knives to dig into the ice. She frantically used her hair to melt the ice, sucked up water and crazily spit it out. She was absolutely in the zone.

Sadly, Tonya’s shameless efforts were not enough as the guys gutted out another victory. Team leader Shawn credits teamwork and “a lot of hot asses.” He then takes a cue from Salt n’ Pepa and thanks his mother for the butt (I realize only three people will understand that reference).

The Ceremony

Another yawner. The men reluctantly vote off amateur rap artist Adam, if only because he wasn’t quite as great as the rest of the team. Adam takes it like a man, though he’s admittedly pissed off because he didn’t actually do anything wrong.

Kina gets kicked off because she wasn’t vocal enough as a team leader. She also takes it in stride, which is disappointing. As the two disposable competitors get sent home, we are one week closer to the drama we’ve all been waiting for.

The show ends with Tina the Mental Case screaming again, this time about the threat of alliances. She’d argue that rain wasn’t wet if anyone would listen.

Scenes from next week: Fear Factor-like mission involving cow brains. Also, Ayanna and Aneesa seem to have beef (pun intended!), possibly because their names are so similar (oh, and they’re also both crazy).

TAKE ME TO THE TOP