WHAT'S YOUR SPONGE?

By: B -- 8/1/06

With the exception of those people saddled with the unfortunate combination of (a) being raised Amish, and (b) still not having access to TBS, I’d bet damn near everyone has seen the classic “spongeworthy” episode from Seinfeld. In the show, Elaine purchases an entire case of her preferred birth control (the “sponge”) after learning the product will soon be discontinued. She then spends the remainder of the episode considering what potential partners are “spongeworthy” enough to deserve one of her remaining contraceptives.

The term spread like wildfire at watercoolers around the country. We began considering the spongeworthiness of everyone around us: celebrities, bar patrons, co-workers and even, for those from Wisconsin, fellow family members. The term “spongeworthy” has wormed its way into every one of our would-I-screw-that-person-or-not debate since its inception so many years ago.

But I don’t want to talk about the potential spongeworthiness of other people. The subject’s stale. Been there, done that, washed my hands clean, punched out, called it a day.

I’m far more interested in mulling over the consumer products that would cause an Elaine-esque reaction to their cancellation. In other words, what products would I stockpile if I were to discover they were being discontinued?

My list of “potential sponges” has been compiled below. As an added feature, I’ve also noted the actual quantity I would purchase. And I’ll tell you: this article has been loads of fun to write. My hope is this “what’s your sponge?” game will become an internet phenomenon; perhaps the next Magic 8-Ball shuffle. So read on, and then get to work creating your own list.

Diet Mountain Dew – Two of my absolute must-do daily routines (to which I am a slave): one DMD in the morning, always purchased before 9 am; and another purchased in the pm, after 4, absolutely no exceptions. Discovering DMD’s discontinuation would be a catastrophic blow to my all-consuming OCD tendencies. And sure, there’d be numerous suitable replacements if necessary, but the adjustment wouldn’t be easy. Stockpile quantity: 25 cases of cans, as many 20 ouncers as I could find.

Vivarin – Really no use repeating myself here: I already wrote an entire column about my awesome addiction to Vivarin. And though I’m aware there are many identical products in the marketplace, I’d be mighty bummed to learn I wouldn’t be able to wake up next to my bright yellow half-pill every morning (I’m a brand-loyal fool). Almost as bummed as when I turn to the other side of my bed each morning and stare at the inevitably-empty pillow beside me (cue Radiohead’s “High and Dry”). Um…just kidding? Ha ha? Yeah, you know what, let’s just move on. Please. Stockpile quantity: 20 large boxes. With 400 pills I wouldn’t have to adust my morning routine for for at least two years...or a heart attack. Whichever comes first.

Uni-Ball Signo RT Gel Pens (Micro tip) – Nerd alert! I’ve already sung my praises of these ultra-fine gel pens, and the sentiments ring just as true today. I’m hopelessly devoted to the micro tip, and I don’t care who knows it. Stockpile Quantity: I’d buy 20 5-packs. I do believe 100 pens would last me until the day technological advancements no longer require human beings to actually put pen to paper. (We’ll probably all be wearing those shimmery silver v-neck jumpsuits by that time anyway, and since there’s no room on the ensemble for a pocket protector, going to a pen-free society just makes sense.)

Sugar-Free Red Bull – Vodka Red Bulls are simply the greatest drink in history, Jag Red Bulls are simply the greatest shot in history; so great, in fact, that I can’t even regularly indulge in either of them anymore (don’t ask). Alcohol-soaked memories aside, I still always keep a few RBs in the fridge for the odd crazy night. As a bonus, a Red Bull is the second best weekend morning beverage, after a bloody mary, course. (Further clarification: my khakis and I prefer the sugar-free to the gut-busting sugared variety; being fat is no fun.) Stockpile quantity: 4 cases. I’ll bet the 96 cans would last me at least two years.

American Crew Fiber – My misbehavin’ locks won’t succumb to any product except the Fiber. Plus, it miraculously makes my hair look about twice as thick as it actually is. I’d be devastated to discover Fiber was going off the market. Stockpile quantity: 10 tubes, which would probably last me about five years; perfect timing to coincide with my expected premature balding. At which point, it’s the Rex Chapman ‘do for B. Fantastic. Can’t wait.

Parliament Lights – For the record, I do not categorize myself as a smoker. At least not an addicted one. But as far as buzzes go, I’ll take a cig buzz over pretty much anything else. Calms the nerves, eases the twitches. And, barring tasteless, buzz-free Ultra Lights, there is no smoother smoke than a Parliament Light. I will entertain no arguments to the contrary. Stockpile quantity: 5 cartons.

Journeys Brown Ankle Socks – Dress socks are for the birds. I’ve long been rocking the low-cut ankles, for both work and play. Journeys is currently the only place where I can find the dark brown variety, so if they decided to stop making ‘em, I’d be lining up to buy out the inventory. I can’t go back to normal socks. I won’t. Please, Journeys, don’t make me. Stockpile quantity: 10 dozen-packs.

Sour Cream N’ Onion Baked Lays – As Johnny Bluejeans would say, “best chips ever man.” The SCn’O simply never disappoint. Stockpile quantity: since they only run about $3 per bag, I wouldn’t mind buying 30 bags (gawd, what an embarrassing purchase that’d be).

Aldo shoes – I do not like shoe shopping. It is mostly a long, annoying process that involves either strolling down the long rows of the depressing discount stores, or sitting in a fancypants shop dealing with some know-it-all salesperson trotting out pair after pair of overpriced kicks. No fun. Aldo, though…man, Aldo is where it’s at. Limited selection, perfectly fashionable designs, high-quality but not too costly. I don’t want to ever shop at a non-Aldo shoe store ever again. Stockpile quantity: 3 pairs of brown shoes, 3 pairs of black.

Pedialyte – My hangovers are – or rather, were – epic experiences. The only remedy that’s ever worked for me is to down some ibuprofen & half a bottle of Pedialyte before going to sleep. Nothing else quells the head-throbs. And since my hangovers used to be the most painful part of my existence, I’m heavily dependent on the miracle that is the ‘Lyte. Stockpile quantity: 20 bottles (I’ll be on the wagon by the time I get through that much anyway).

iPod – Yeah yeah, easy choice. Whatever. I don't mind admitting I'm head over heels for my iPod. Not to mention iTunes. And I don’t need to try out the competing devices to claim that iPods are the vastly superior product. (Yes, I realize I sound like one of those elitist Mac d-bags. I’m not, so save the hate mail.) Seriously though…iPods: so best. Stockpile quantity: 2.

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