I AM GOING TO START WORKING OUT

Also seen in Industry Magazine

By: B

I am going to start working out. I am starting today. 15 pounds, done the right way so they actually stay off. I am going to start by eating a healthy breakfast to get my metabolism moving. Toast, probably, and maybe some fresh fruit and a glass of orange juice. Fresh squeezed – yeah, that's what I'll do. After the first couple days I won't even miss my daily Red Bull, and starting now breakfast burritos are dead to me.

Lunch will be light as well. I believe I'll go to the deli everyday and make a salad, complete with fat-free dressing. Maybe a half sandwich too, but definitely no mayo, or cheese, or oil. I'll even drink a Fresca- there are zero calories so it's like drinking air, but better in that its citrussy taste makes my neurons explode.

Dinner will healthy as well; maybe some chicken grilled on the George Foreman and some potatoes or rice (I don't hate carbs). Probably a Diet Dr Pepper for dinner, and since it also has no calories, I can indulge in another, guilt-free, while loafing in front of the telly later in the evening.

I'll work out three or four times a week for at least an hour each session. I'll drive straight to the health club after work and do some lifting. Bench, curls, flys, squats, lunges; when my layers of fat fade away, I want to have a chiseled torso ready to step into the spotlight and shine. The bulk of my time spent at the club, however, will be cardio work; 45 minutes at least—treadmill and stairstepper (no bike because it doesn't give me the cardiovascular thrashing I need). At the club I'll be sure to drink plenty of water for replenishment.

I am going to do 25 sit-ups when I wake up, just get the blood pumping. I am going to do calf raises while brushing my teeth. I’ll do butt clenches while driving to work. I will park on the second floor of the ramp and refuse the elevator. I'll carry extra change in my pockets just for the weight. I'll drink loads of water at work and then walk to the far bathroom just to burn extra calories.

Yes, this plan sounds very easy. I am going to be quite attractive in a short time. I like diet sodas and salads and chicken and orange juice, and even the club isn't so bad once I get there. Not only am I going to take the weight off, it is going to be quick and it is going to stay off. Mine is not the diet du jour, not an Atkins or Tae Bo gimmick. And since my new routine is so simple and easy to implement, and since I know a big part of my happiness involves eating, I'll allow myself to make diet exceptions, but only when absolutely necessary.

For instance, I still have a lot of Christmas candy lying around the house, along with a few dozen delicious cookies in the freezer. These were homemade by my mother, so I think it’d be polite for me to finish the holiday sweets provided to me. Christians celebrate the birth of Jesus by eating snickerdoodles and caramels and peanut clusters and ham, and who am I to try to change the world? Christmas is bigger than me. It’s settled: I’ll eat the candy. But after it’s gone, no more sweets! After all, I’m on a very strict diet and I intend to stick to it.

Come to think of it, winters on the whole are a historically unhealthy time for me. It is cold and I don't like driving to the deli, so I usually get a hamburger or personal pizza at the office cafeteria. When it is really cold, or I am really busy at work, I'll have to “take one for the team” and eat an unhealthy lunch. This will not happen often, and this is a promise I am making to myself. I will still make my regular visits to the health club (unless it’s abnormally cold).

Summer is coming soon, which means a lot more grilling out and parties. My weight usually balloons in the summer because I am lounging all weekend, drinking my weight in Dacquiri's and eating hot dogs and hamburgers daily. This summer is going to be different. On the weekends, I am not going to start drinking until 5 pm (give or take an hour), and I’ll be sure to grill more chicken. I may have a hamburger once in a while, but only at sweet pool parties and stuff.

On the weekends I spend my time at bars with friends, and usually I drink beer. I don't want to give that up (it is the nectar of the Gods, after all), and I have thought of a way to be able to drink beer while remaining healthy. Dancing is very good exercise, but I don't usually do it because I get self-conscious. However, if I slam two extra beers at the bar, I'll surely be quite tipsy and, therefore, much more open to the idea of cutting a rug to the latest of hip-hop rhythms. Sure, the extra calories from the slammed beers won't help, but with my rapid pelvic thrusts, flailing gyrations and rampant sweating, I'll burn off the calories, and more, in no time! Now that I think about it, this isn't really even considered an exception. I have to admit, I am a very smart individual.

I don't want to have to worry about dieting on dates, or when friends are in town visiting, and it'd be uncouth to refuse meals when eating with family, so on those days I'll have to bite the bullet and eat unhealthy. To make up for it, I'll do 50 sit-ups at night. Unless it is within an hour of when I am planning on going to sleep, because everyone knows it is unwise to exercise right before you go to bed because it is harder to achieve slumber. I need my sleep.

Oh yes, I am going to do this, and it all starts right now! No exceptions (beyond the ones I just mentioned)! I am very committed to sculpting my body. I want this very badly and will do absolutely whatever it takes, within reason.

I am going to take Sundays off. Considering my demanding workout regimen, I deserve that

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