crashing and burning

By B -- January 26, 2006

The first time I saw Crash I couldn’t decide if I liked it or not. I was torn. I acknowledged the film’s potent storytelling and complex plot, but was a bit taken aback by the central theme. It’s definitely a love-it-or-hate-it movie, and at first blush I couldn’t decide which side of the fence I fell.

But then I saw it a second time, and recently a third, and I now know my true feelings about Crash: I hate it. I know that hate is a strong word, but I can’t use it enough. I hate it. I might hate it more that I ve ever hated another film ever.

Allow me to explain.

I hate Crash differently than I hate other movies. My previous most-hated film Varsity Blues was terrible in all the predictable means: clichéd plots, stereotypical characters and general laziness. Dime-a-dozen movies like Blues are manipulative, formulaic wastes of time, and are fun to hate.

Crash is not a bad film in terms of filmmaking; it is, in fact, a well-constructed film featuring sharp dialogue and powerful scenes. A number of intricate storylines are skillfully woven into the film’s tapestry. The unpardonable sin of Crash is the sheer idiocy of the entire message upon which the film is based.

At first glance, Crash is a film about racism in America, an eye-opening portrayal of a society rife with racial divides. Every character displays elements of misguided hatred toward a certain race. The white guy hates the black lady, the black lady hates the Asian lady, the Asian lady hates another white person, who of course hates the Iraqi, who in turn hates the Hispanic, and so on. In Crash, the over-arching message seems to be that every person in America – regardless of color or social status – is racist.

It’s a bold statement to make, especially since it’s so patently false. I won’t claim that racism in this country is a disappearing problem, or even that conditions are improving, but I can guaran-fucking-tee that Crash paints a wholly erroneous portrait of our society. Racism is still very alive and very destructive, but instead of trying to illustrate a realistic depiction of the issue, Crash turns it into a cartoonish dramatization in which everyone’s a culprit. It's not only inaccurate, but unethical as well.

Imagine applying Crash’s concept to other social issues. A sexual harassment film in which every student on a college campus is either raped or a rapist. A drug film in which every athlete in professional sports is on some form of steroids. A sexism film in which every person in Corporate America is hired, fired, promoted and demoted based solely on their gender. Each of those issues are real, yet the level at which they’re rendered is ridiculously exaggerated.

How is Crash any different? And since it’s such a lazy, inaccurate, overdramatic portrayal of a serious issue, why do people enjoy it?

Did Crash teach us any lessons? No, it deliberately did not offer any solutions to the problem, instead presenting a “ that’s just the way it is” viewpoint. Great. Thanks for wasting two hours of my life.

Was it funny? Not at all, unless you count one joke by Don Cheadle’s character, except that it was completely racist. I laughed, then the character at which the joke was directed got offended, so I felt bad. So no, not funny.

Was Crash an identifiable slice-of-life? No, and it wasn’t even the film’s intention. No one would possibly believe that these dozen or so characters could realistically cross paths so many times in the few days that the story occurred. Especially not in Los Angeles, population of something like five million.

Equally implausible was the tack-sharp, everyone’s-got-a-diatribe-more- articulate-than-most-books dialogue. Just ridiculous. Even the gangsta and the gun shop employee were more eloquent than anyone I’ve ever met; it was like the movie version of Dawson’s Creek.

Crash never even registered on the realism radar, therefore one can only think it should be deemed on par with American Beauty or Truman Show as a metaphorical satire of society.

But Crash fails even in its metaphor. Out of all the people I’ve met in my life, from my diverse childhood, to my hip-hop high school, to my vanilla college years, to my country-club caddy summer job and my mix of welfare-parented and silver-spooned friends, I have never in my life met a person that even came close to representing the over-the-top, sharp-tongued assholes in this film. Not one person. If no characters symbolize even a sliver of reality, how is anyone supposed to identify with them?

Was Crash entertaining? At times, but only if you’re able to ignore the film’s theme and apparent commentary. Claiming that the entertainment value was the main cause of enjoyability would be like claiming to like President Bush because his word mispronunciations make you laugh. Kind of missing the big picture.

When I voice these complaints in a conversation I am always met with the invariable “oh come on, it’s just a movie” defense. No it is not. Stop being so stupid. Claiming that Crash is just a movie is a childish cop-out. Slapstick comedies are “just movies.” Schwarzenegger films are “just movies.” Dramas, especially with subject matter as touchy as Crash, aim to transcend the screen and become something more, something viewers can learn from, to shape our culture and teach life lessons. Director Paul Haggis would likely be appalled to hear Crash classified as just a movie.

Even worse than the just-a-movie set is the segment of people who actually think Crash is true to life. Crash is not real; not even close. It’s a movie made by rich white people trying to pass the racism buck as a fact of life, rather than a resolvable problem. It made white people say, it's okay that I have racist tendencies because everyone does! Quite a message. What an absolute steaming pile of bullshit to sell to an American population that is already under-educated on the issue.

I never thought I’d find myself saying this, but the abomination that is Crash makes me yearn for another game-winning drive from star quarterback Johnny Moxon. God save us all. The apocalypse may be on its way.

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