THE OSCARS: A RECAP

By B -- 3/6/06

A recap of Sunday night’s 78th Annual Academy Awards:

The good

> Scarlett Johannson’s dress. Holy Mother of God. It's a wonder she doesn't just fall over.

> One fella, during an acceptance speech, fumbling over the work “thank,” resulting in the nervous wreck rattling off a long list of people he’d “like to spank.” So funny. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to hear an acceptance speech again without mentally replacing thank with spank. Truly, a watershed moment.

The bad

> The Three Six Mafia’s acceptance speech after receiving the award for Best Original Song. Though I dug their excitement level, I couldn’t understand one damn word they said. It was the most impressive display of ebonics I’ve ever heard. They made Bernie Mac sound like Marge Gunderson. One word: subtitles.

> Speaking of acceptance speeches….Philip Seymour Hoffman’s speech was particularly tough to watch. Don’t get me wrong; guy’s been my favorite actor since Boogie Nights, but his rambling, incoherent speech was like some drunken Best Man toast. Sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend...

The ugly

> The entire show essentially consisting of a three-hour industry fellatio-fest. I swear, every introduction and every speech by every damn actor mentioned the all-consuming Power of Movies. Their magnitude, their transcendence, yada yada yada, their cultural significance, how deeply they move people, blah blah blah. You know what? We know movies are important. That’s why we drop $10 to watch you melodramatic jackasses on the big screen. That’s why you’re all so filthy rich. That’s why there are like 50 million people watching you pat yourself on the back right now. We understand. Point taken. Now get over yourselves.

> Crash given the honor of Best Picture. A truly appalling choice; the worst Best Picture winner of all time. Leave it up to Hollywood to teach us that lurid BS will always win out over thoughtful, honest art. I’m sure the non-winners from year’s past who made superior films regarding deep social issues -- such as Hotel Rwanda, City of God, etc. -- are just kicking themselves. So THAT’S how you win an Oscar. More drama, more sensationalism, less integrity, less reality. Good to know.

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