DOIN' THE HUSTLE: WEEK 7

By: Matt Huss -- 10/21/05

Before I get to the picks, a song in the tune of "Skol Vikings," the team's fight song:

SKOR Vikings, double-team that dame!
SKOR Vikings, dishonor your name!
First make that slut go down,
Then give her a good pound,
Fuck 'em,
Suck em,
SKEET, SKEET, SKEET!
SKOR Vikings, assault those whores,
SKOR Vikings, beware of cold sores,
H-E-R-P-E-S
SKOR Vikings - let's go!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As always, the picks in BLUE are my locks of the week.

Kansas City at Miami (-2)
Reason #366 that proves I have a gambling addiction: I'm putting money on this game simply because it was moved to Friday night to avoid Hurricane Wilma. I just can't turn down the rare opportunity to bet on an NFL game on a Friday night (while drinking heavily, of course).

Assuming that I cash in on the wager, I have the freedom to wager on a college football tease, or simply increase one of the bets I have on Saturday. I love America. I also have good reasons to pick Kansas City in this one: (a) This is basically a "must win" for the Chiefs since they're facing division rivals San Diego and Oakland in their next two contests, and (b) Junior Seau will probably miss this one for Miami due to injury. I'm told it's a broken hip.

My Pick: Kansas City (and to win)

New Orleans at St. Louis (-3)
Let's look at the facts: Mike Martz is out. Mark Bulger is out. Jamie Martin and Aaron Brooks cancel each other out. New Orleans is 1-3 against the spread in their last four roadies; St. Louis is 1-5 against the spread in their last six overall. Eeny, meeny, miney, moe...

My Pick: St. Louis

Green Bay (-1.5) at Minnesota
Recently, a story was broken by the St. Paul Pioneer Press reporting that Onterrio Smith is being sued by a female who claims the Vikings running back, along with a friend, raped her.

It has also been reported that the female in question has Fetal Alchohol Syndrome: a condition caused by excessive drinking of the mother while the child is still a fetus in the womb. It causes slowness, ADD, and in some cases, mental retardation.

I’ll admit, this initially sounds damning. But maybe this is a good thing for the Vikes. Think about it: finally a Vikings player shows some character. You see, Onterrio is an equal opportunity offender: Age, sex, race, and mental stability don't matter to him when choosing his victims. Whatta guy! Add to the fact that the Vikings organization had enough character to ignore the fact that Mike Tice is also a victim of FAS when hiring him and the Vikings are starting to look like a classy organization.

Oh yeah, they play football, too. I'm taking the Vikings to beat Green Bay this week. If there is one team worse than the Vikings, it's the Packers. If there is one quarterback worse than Daunte right now, it's...um...never mind. But Brett Favre sucks in the Dome and I expect Daunte to finally throw more TDs than INTs in this one - prompting the predictable Monday morning column by the insufferable Jim Souhan claiming that Daunte is God and that Minnesotans should be ashamed for ever saying anything negative about our beloved QB.

My Pick: Minnesota (and to win)

Indianapolis (-15) at Houston
I had to laugh when I received my Sports Illustrated last week and noticed Dwight Freeney on the cover. Yes, the Colts are the top defense in the league stats-wise, and yes, the Colts are still undefeated even with an underachieving Peyton Manning. But let's put our Common Sense Glasses on and look at the Colts’ opponents: Baltimore, Jacksonville, Cleveland, Tennessee, San Francisco and St. Louis. How the Colts have managed to stifle those offensive juggernauts is beyond me and my simple brain. Great reporting, Obvious Illustrated!

But wait... how did the best defense in the league give up 17 first quarter points to the Rams at home before Mark Bulger left with an injury? SI curse, you say? I have to disagree. Weakest Schedule in the League = Best Defense Statistically in the League (90% of the time).

We all know the Powers That Be at the NFL desperately want the Colts to get home-field advantage throughout the playoffs. But did they have to be so obvious about it?

You know, the Colts could use a bye-week before they play at New England. Done! Hey, how about we schedule a home game against the Cardinals for the last week of the season so they can have a better shot at clinching home-field throughout, or just winning while resting Manning? Done!

Ridiculous. Why couldn't SI have put the White Sox on the cover?

My Pick: Indianapolis

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati (-1)
Pittsburgh is 6-2-1 against the spread in their last nine roadies, Cincy is 1-3 ATS in their last four home games, Big Ben is back... and Vegas STILL has a chubby for the Bengals. The Bengals proved they can't beat a decent, physical squad in Jacksonville, now they're playing an even tougher team and Vegas still makes the Bengals the favorites?

Am I the only one who thinks Cincinnati is overrated? Well, if I am I guess I'll be the only one making money off their games.

My Pick: Pittsburgh (and to win)

San Diego at Philadelphia (-3.5)
I love the Chargers this year. I think they can beat any team in the league, with the exception of the Colts.

On the other hand, it’s difficult to pick against an Andy Reid-coached Eagles team coming off of a bye, especially after a huge beat-down put on them by their rival Cowboys. McNabb has had time to rest his many injuries, and you know Terrell Owens' ego is getting a little antsy since he hasn't busted out a queer touchdown dance in two weeks. The half-point added to the -3 scares me but I'm going to go with my gut on this one.

My Pick: Philadelphia

Detroit at Cleveland (-2.5)
Cleveland’s team reminds me of the Chicago Bears. Both teams have less-than-average talent each year, yet their coaches "coach 'em up" about as well as they can coach a group of crappy players. They always bring it - especially at home. And the media always wonders: Why aren't there more black coaches in the league? Why did this or that black coach get fired? (Ty Willingham is one example).

Well, it sucks when a really shitty team decides to hire a black coach to coach their really shitty players. It’s as simple as that. In the NFL these days, you need something like 5-6 years to turn a losing team around; but most organizations’ Patience Span is closer to 2-4 years. If you're not getting the job done, you're gone. And it doesn't matter if you're black or white (queue Michael Jackson).

Just ask Dennis Erickson, a white guy who was an absolutely horrible NFL football coach and got canned immediately. Now, if he was black there would be heated debates and PTI arguments about the injustice. But since he's white, nobody remembers him. (B’s note: Dennis Erickson was hired by the 49ers in 2003 even after he proved incapable of coaching an NFL team: he racked up a 31-33 record as the Seattle Seahawks coach from ‘95-‘98. The fact that Erickson was hired over other capable coaches, such as Cleveland’s coach Romeo Crennel, points to a system that continues to show latent racist tendencies. I’m just saying is all [that’s my favorite Minnesota saying].)

How often is a successful organization going to hire ANY coach, white or black, unless they absolutely need to? Not often. It's always the shitty teams making the moves, and then another move two years down the road when their new hire didn't turn it around right away.

This is why I'm a fan of what the Chicago and Cleveland organizations are doing: showing patience with their coaches. Both Lovie Smith and Romeo Crennel are fantastic, in my opinion. (On second thought, I hope they get fired for being black so the Vikings can scoop either or both of them up after the season.)

My Pick: Cleveland

San Francisco at Washington (-12.5)
I was driving home last Sunday and didn't have the opportunity to watch the Vikings game. Luckily I was able to hear the incredible announcing of the great Paul Allen. However, I later got a call from my buddy Kauz, who had seen the game and described a chain of events that transpired on the FOX telecast: During a Vikings drive, Fox kicked it to James Brown for an update; the highlight showed Washington's Santana Moss taking a quick screen 80 yards to the house. Great call by Joe Gibbs. They sent it back to the Vikings-Bears game just in time to catch the next play of the Purple's Drive: A quick screen to Jermaine Wiggins for a one yard loss. A sequence of events exploding with irony.

Kauz could barely contain his frustration: "Gibbs sends a quick screen to the fastest guy on the team. Tice calls a quick screen for the slowest, fattest, most un-athletic offensive weapon we have!” Just another one of those moments where the cruel and merciless football gods take a moment to rub in the despair and frustration that Vikings fans feel.

My Pick: Washington

Dallas at Seattle (-3)
Last week I ripped Seattle for being unpredictable and lacking motivation. So what do they do? Whoop the crap out of Houston 42-10. So this week I'm going to run a little experiment: I'm going to pick the Seahawks to beat the Cowboys at home where they’re undefeated, in a game that they SHOULD win. (Even though the games they should win are exactly the games that they lose). While doing this, I'm going against Rule #127 in Hustler's Gambling Guide: Never pick a team led by a white quarterback who is bald at the age of 30.

My Pick: Seattle

Buffalo at Oakland (-3)
Where is Randy Moss? What happened to the "game changer" that was going to come to Oakland and make the Raiders a legitimate contender? What happened to the guy that every Vikings fan said was "motivated and ready to bring his A-game on every play?" I'll tell you what happened: Kerry Collins.

Moss has only 19 receptions for 466 yards and two touchdowns this year in the Raiders' 1-4 start. And now the frustration and "injuries" have set in. How many more weeks until Ol' Numba Eight-teeahn" mails it in for good? Two? Three? Or has it already happened? Without Moss in this game I don't know who to pick, so I'm going to go with Rule #3 in The Guide: When in doubt, go with the home team.

My Pick: Oakland

Baltimore at Chicago (-1)
Ugh. This game is about as attractive as Charlize Theron in "Monster." (Just puked in my mouth). Will you ever be able to look at her the same again? Even now that she has returned to her smoking hot self, will you ever be able to shake the image of her in that movie? I know I won't.

The exact opposite is happening right now with Brian Billick and the Ravens. When Billick led Baltimore to their first Super Bowl win, he was a hero and everybody loved him -- especially his players. But now it seems as if his players have quit on him -- forgetting the good and focusing on the bad -- something they'll never get out of their heads until he’s gone.

But I'm sure that Billick would rather have his players quit on him than murder him. So that's a good thing.

My Pick: Chicago

Tennessee at Arizona (-3.5)
I heard that Iraqi prisoners in Guantanamo are being forced to watch this game. Never thought I'd feel bad for terrorists. Anyway, this gives me a great opportunity to make my pick for the World Series: Houston in seven. Mainly because I hate the White Sox, and I don't want to see them win. But I'll happily sacrifice that for a seven game series filled with intense drama and good baseball. Of course, like every World Series FOX has ever aired, I'll have the games on TV muted while listening to ESPN Radio. If there is one thing I hate in this world, it's the duo of Tim McCarver and Joe Buck. I get pissed just thinking about them calling my second-favorite event in sports.

And while we're on the topic, the announcers of my favorite event are right around the corner. I can hear their voices in my dreams. Hear that? Listen: It's Gus Johnson! "AND THE THREE FOR THE WIIIIIIINNNN.... YEAAAAH!!! HE HIT IT!!! OHHHHHH! AHHHHH!!” And Bill Raftery! "And the Gophers, Verne Lundquist, start out in the MAN-TA-MAN!!" Mmmmmmm.

My pick: Arizona

Denver at New York Giants (-1.5)
New York is going to the Super Bowl! Eli for MVP! Blah, blah, blah.

The Giants have beaten NFL powerhouses in St. Louis, Arizona, and New Orleans while losing to Dallas and San Diego. This bandwagon is going to crash, and when it does, hopefully it kills Sean Salisbury in the process. Nothing would make me happier.

The Broncos have beaten San Diego, Kansas City, Jacksonville, Washington, and New England - yet they still aren't getting any respect (and deservedly so since they're the NFL equivalent of the Atlanta Braves). But still, with Plummer and Manning canceling each other out, I'll take the team who has proven they can win tough games.

My Pick: Denver (and to win)

New York Jets at Atlanta (-7)
Ah, back to the Monday Night Football Stinkers. Not a whole lot to say about this game except for one question: Do you really think Mike Vick has a knee injury? Is it possible that the Falcons organization is covering up the fact that he's actually having a severe herpes breakout? I can't imagine what it must be like to play football under those conditions. Scabbing, bleeding, itching - maybe he should learn a lesson from his younger brother and only mess with the Sweet 16 crowd; at least you know they're probably clean.

My Pick: Atlanta

Last Week ATS: 6-8
Last Week Just Winners: 12-2

Season ATS: 15-13
Season Just Winners: 21-7

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