DOIN' THE HUSTLE: WEEK 8

By: Matt Huss -- 10/28/05

It’s fitting that this week's slate of NFL games happens to fall on the weekend of Halloween because this week’s games are a gambling nightmare. Very scary. It doesn't help that we're in week 8 and Vegas is starting to figure out who is good and who isn't, and therefore handicapping the games accordingly. But, like Denny Green once said: "The secret to success is to start from scratch and keep on scratching." (Hence his pick of Michael Vick to win the MVP). How ‘bout them picks:

Arizona at Dallas (-9.5)

Why try to write anything funny in this space when you can just quote a Dennis Green postgame news conference? Here's Denny prophesizing after Arizona's win last weekend (Note: it's funnier if you squeeze your testicles really tight while you read it aloud so you sound more like Mr. Green -- and B's boy Aaron Neville for that matter):

"Ok, ah, ya know, we're, ah, excited today because, ah, we got our second win. Um, ya know, ya kind of keep track of things and we are just one of fourteen teams that have four losses or more. And we're gonna try to use that to be, ya know, to become one of the X-number of teams that still has four losses, or the X-number of teams that got three wins or four wins, and so forth... The whole offense is based on counters. Just like a boxer! You lead, they lead, you counter."

We need Denny back in ‘Sota; Tice just doesn’t have that so-crazy-he’s-funny persona. Unfortunately for Mr. Only One Team Can Win At a Time, I don't see Arizona being able to counter much in this one.

My Pick: Dallas

Chicago at Detroit (-3)

My two favorite moments during the White Sox celebration Wednesday night:

1) Jeanie Zelasko not knowing how to react or respond to anything that Ozzie Guillen said since she (and everybody else in the country) couldn't understand a damn thing he said.

2). Jermaine Dye after receiving the MVP award and saying: "First of all, I'd like to thank Chevrolet..." What? Chevrolet? Aren't black athletes supposed to thank God first? What has this society come to? Or did "The Man" threaten to give the trophy to someone else if he didn't say this? (B’s note: Matt was just demoted from Senior VP of Writing to VP of Writing for this “I’m from an all-white town and it shows” nonsense.)

But enough about Chi-Town, let's talk about Detroit. I think it's great that Sheryl Swoopes came out of the closet to announce to the world that she's gay. Hopefully her actions will motivate Jeff Garcia to finally do the same. (B’s note: Huss was just demoted from VP to Intern after failing to insert Mike Piazza into this joke. Tough week.)

My Pick: Detroit

Cleveland at Houston (-2)

Breaking News: Jenna McCarville demands trade to whatever team Sheryl Swoops plays for. Exactly zero percent of the nation is surprised.

My Pick: Cleveland (and to win)

Green Bay at Cincinnati (-9)

Well, the Bengals got handled by another tough, physical team last week in the Pittsburgh Steelers. Boy, they sure are proving all the "experts" right! It's funny that I haven't heard anything from Sean Salisbury about that game - but I'm sure he'll be back on the wagon after Cincy whoops up on a Green Bay team that even the Vikings can beat. I hope Chad Johnson has been practicing his TD dances because it's going to look like he's starring in "You Got Served 2" on Sunday.

My Pick: Cincinnati

Jacksonville (-3) at St. Louis

You know it's Halloween when Fred Taylor, Steve McNair and Grant Hill are all on the injury report.

My Pick: Jacksonville

Minnesota at Carolina (-8)

Let me sum up the reactions of every Vikings player, coach and fan after Sunday's win over the Packers: "OH MY GOD! WE WON THE SUUUPER BOOOOOOWL! YEEEEEEAH!"

Time for a sweet dose of reality this week – then we can let Jim Souhan get back to what he does best: using lame metaphors and similes to describe the suckitude of the Purple. Funny how he waits for a Vikings win to bust out the token NHL Rules Change column that he's been saving for this very situation since September.

And even though Jimmy claimed that he felt happy for Tice after the win on Sunday, you know he's scared. If Tice gets fired, maybe everyone will start focusing on the fact that he's the most retarded – and I mean that in the most literal sense – sportswriter in America.

Is anyone else dressing up in a Vikings jersey with a sailor's hat, life-vest, handcuffs, and a Whizzinator for Halloween? Oh wait, everyone in Minnesota is? Damn. Back to the drawing board.

My Pick: Carolina

Oakland (-1.5) at Tennessee

This space gives me the perfect opportunity for a rant about FOX baseball’s "Field Cam."

Throw it out. If you really want to be innovative, why not invent the "Foul Pole Cam?" Stick a camera on the top of the foul pole and aim it straight down so we can see how close a ball comes to being fair or foul. This would be the perfect tool for Major League Baseball if they ever decided to introduce instant replay. I think fans would find it much more interesting to see a replay from the "Foul Pole Cam" than seeing a replay of a batter swing and miss from a camera sitting on the ground where you can't see the break of the pitch, the exact location of the pitch, or Barbara Bush behind home plate. (B’s note: I was unable to edit this section because I have no clue what Huss was talking about.)

My Pick: Oakland

Washington at New York Giants (-2.5)

Another camera invention that B and I should be making money off of right now: "Goal Line" or "Pylon Cam." Have a camera mounted in place aiming directly down the goal line. You could have one close to the ground and one set up higher. This would be perfect for those controversial "ball crossing the plain" calls that seem to come up once or twice a game.

I'm still in shock that this hasn't been invented yet. I know sometimes a camera crew gets in position to get the same shot, but this should have a catchy name and a sponsor. I do think I remember there being a "Pylon Cam" at one point - but if there was, what happened to it? Does anyone think that this should not be invented? B? (B’s note: don’t drag me into your “I got high before I wrote my weekly picks column because I kicked ass last week and deserve it” whirlwind. You’re lucky I’m keeping you on as an intern, a-hole.)

My Pick: New York

Miami at New Orleans (-2.5)

A few random Halloween costume ideas that didn't make the final cut:

Ricky Williams: Basically a Bob Marley costume equipped with a joint on the ear and a tye-died Williams jersey.

David Boston: A "Hans and Franz" get-up that makes you look buff, with syringes sticking everywhere.

Junior Seau: Get a dark tan, a Seau jersey, some Depends, and a walker/cane. Because he’s so old, get it?

Jim Haslett: Get drunk and cut your own hair, add Novocain so you're drooling from the mouth like a retard (again, I mean that in a nice way).

My Pick: New Orleans

Kansas City at San Diego (-6)

Did you see Ezequiel Astacio throw for the Astros in Tuesday night? If you were asleep and missed it, I envy you for three reasons:

1) I completely agree with B on this one: that may have been the worst extra-inning World Series game in the history of baseball.

2) Astacio was absolutely horrible, and lost the game for Houston.

3) The only thing uglier than his talent is Mr. Astacio himself. Ugh! Ezequiel joins Sam Cassell, Jenna McCarville, and Charlie Villanueva as the only four reasons why I'm glad I don't have high-definition TV yet.

(On the other hand, Ezequiel Astacio would make a great Halloween costume: all you have to do is shave your pubic hair and glue it to your face. You know, if you’re into that kind of thing.)

Which got me to thinking… you could do the same for Drew Brees and his ugly, hairy mole. Brees could easily get that thing removed, but he doesn't. That's why I'm taking the Chargers in this one. I want the guy who has the confidence to protect his house on national TV with an ugly, hairy mole on his face. Drew Brees is a bigger man than all of us.

My Pick: San Diego

Philadelphia at Denver (-3.5)

Andy Reid: The Michelin Man
Jake Plummer: 80's Porn Star
Terrell Owens: Giant Douche

Facts are facts: Denver is still undefeated at home. Mike Shanahan is still their coach. Jake Plummer is still their quarterback. It is now the second half of the season.

My Pick: Philadelphia (and to win)

Tampa Bay (-11) at San Francisco

Q: How pathetic is San Fran's defense? A: They just couldn't let themselves part ways with Willie Middlebrooks. Ba-dum-bum. Tell your friends.

I'll never forget the day when I was watching the NFL Draft with my buddies and Denver took Willie in the first round (pick 24, I believe). The laughter didn’t end until mid-second round.

Alex Smith = Ryan Leaf

My Pick: Tampa Bay

Buffalo at New England (-9)

All you need to know: New England is playing at home coming off a bye week.

My Pick: New England

Baltimore at Pittsburgh (-10)

Ray Lewis and Ed Reed are out, but that isn't why I'm betting on this game. Gambling and fantasy sports are the only reasons to spend a Monday night watching trash like this.

Thankfully, I don't have any fantasy players from either of these teams, so let's throw a hunny down and make it interesting. (B’s note: that makes absolutely no sense, but considering the rest of your column, your not making sense makes perfect sense.)

My Pick: Pittsburgh

Last Week ATS: 11-2
Season ATS: 26-15

Last Week Just Winners: 13-1
Season Just Winners: 34-8

Last Week "Locks": 5-0
Season "Locks": 8-2

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