BEST BARS TO _______

By: B -- 12/1/05

To be featured in Industry Magazine

Ah, the beloved “best of” lists. Eternal conversation starters, year-end rundowns, crutch of columnists the world over. Simply put, readers love reading them, writers love writing them. I’ve been creating and debating lists for years, but my ideal lists contain one small but critical requirement: specific criteria.

Best restaurants? Best movies? Please. The expansiveness of those topics ensures an unfocused and endless debate. No, the only lists worthy of discussion are detailed subjects: best Chinese food in Minneapolis, best documentary from 2005, what have you. In my world, lists with specific topics are the cat’s pajamas. My favorite in this series: “Best bar to ____.” Let the revelry commence.

The List: Best Bar To…

…See a concert: First Avenue. By a landslide. But you already knew that.

…Witness dozens of yuppies acting like anti-establishment bohemians: Uptown Bar. A perfect opportunity for the kids to try out their brand-spanking-new-but-made-to-look-worn-in army jackets or fingerless gloves. It’s always nice to try culture on for size in the middle of Posh McTrendyville.

….Visit after a movie to rehash and discuss: Psycho Suzi’s. A necessary ritual for most cerebral-type films. Suzi’s is the ideal spot for chit-chat and beers due to its atmosphere (chummy) and eclectic menu (yummy).

…Scare your companions from ever hanging out with you again: Ground Zero. Bondage A-Go-Go Night will have them longing for their local Applebee’s booth. A perfect technique to rid yourself of annoying hangers-on, especially if you enthusiastically answer their frightened stares with remarks such as “Now this is what it’s all about!” or “Hey, if you ask nicely I’m sure someone will whip you in that cage.”

…Experience a happy hour so sweet you’ll re-examine your elitist, trendsetter, “I wouldn’t be caught dead Downtown” tendencies: drink. A quick summary of the Friday afternoon happy hour: $2 domestic drinks until 10 and a free buffet (standard menu) from 4 until 7:30. That, my friends, is sweet. In fact, it’s enough to ignore what critics note is a palpable lack of unique character or charm. I suppose I’d agree, but for the prices I can make do. And anyway, why is it the bar’s responsibility to provide unique entertainment for its clientele? My friends and I can entertain ourselves. We are very interesting people. Ask anyone.

…Take your visiting-from-out-of-town friends who are afraid of clubbing, techno, dress codes and any sort of slick ambiance: Laura’s 1029 Bar. Laura’s just oozes small town tavern. With its sparse, old-school décor, primitive karaoke setup and cheap beer, your less-than-cosmopolitan visitors will feel right at home. The kicker? They’ve even got pull-tabs.

…Hit up if you can’t decide what kind of night you’re looking for: Lee’s Liquor Lounge. The majority of evenings spent at Lee’s consist of the satisfying same old same old, but you just never know. You may be treated to an evening of a shit-kicker country band playing earnest ditties to a small throng of grizzled flannel-clad bumpkins; you may experience a cover band rocking old-school funk classics. Example: one night a few years ago I was coolly watching a swing band perform to an indifferent crowd when Brian Setzer joined the band on stage. His bouncy performances of “Stray Cat Strut” and “Rock This Town” brought every bar patron onto the tiny dance floor, myself included. A few seconds after the set concluded and I retook my spot at the bar, a homeless man walked in and ordered a 7-Up, paying with nickels and dimes. He eagerly guzzled his beverage before promptly getting escorted out by a member of the bar staff, bumping into an unfazed Setzer on his way out. Just another night at Lee’s.

…Experience Uptown before noon: Bryant Lake Bowl. The quintessential Uptown locale. Their breakfast is delish.

….Head to if you forgot to pretty yourself up before heading Downtown: Grumpy’s. Ever find yourself smack-dab in the middle of Downtown with no intentions of braving the dolled-up crowds on the strip? Admit it, you have. Next time, take a jaunt over to Grumpy’s on Washington, owners of a sweet jukebox, lonely pool tables and hot finger food selection. No one will laugh at your tapered jeans and ungroomed neck hair.

…Bring your friend who recently got dumped and is looking to drown his/her sorrows: Mayslack’s. The high-backed booths will afford enough privacy for your friend to disclose the gory details of the recent split, yet the noisy bar sounds will drown out your friend’s uncontrollable sobs. Order your friend a roast beef sandwich. Nod knowingly when your friend looks up and quietly sniffles through the tears, “wow, this sandwich is really good.” You knew that. Pat your friend’s hand and tell him/her that you know how he/she feels. Allow yourself to indulge in a few of the remaining fries, because it’s true what they say: you really are an amazing individual.

TAKE ME TO THE TOP