BEST NORDEAST MINNEAPOLIS BARS

By: B -- 11/3/05

This list topic was nominated by reader BreAnne S., a disenfranchised Uptowner looking for some bar diversity. We’ve all been there. So when I suggested Nordeast, she asked what specific bars were the best, and the inaugural Lists: The Series topic was born. However, once I actually started thinking about compiling this list I realized one huge problem: the topic is much too broad. Nordeast is a historic borough chock-full of bars of every variety. They’ve got hole-in-the-walls, Posh McTrendys, rock-n-rollers, yuppie havens and foodie spots. How is one to apply this sundry of establishments into one all-encompassing list?

It’s impossible, so some restrictions have to be made. First off, this list is assuming one will be spending the entire evening at the bar. For instance, Tony Jaro’s is a Nordeast institution and a must-stop, but only for a drink or two. The minimal entertainment and potency of the “greenies” don’t make for an enjoyable all-night visit. Secondly, season and special events are not taken into account. Tugg’s can provide a splendid evening in the summer (lots of attractive people), but it’s got tumbleweeds flowing through during the winter months. And there is no better Nordeast evening than being at Mayslack’s when they’ve got a great band performing, but you can’t always assume top-notch entertainment. Hence, this list assumes no ideal seasons and no special events. Just your ordinary evening.

Without further ado, the Best Nordeast Minneapolis Bars:

Honorable mention (where to go for specific wants and needs): Whitey’s (best burgers and fries), Tugg’s (best outdoor summer joint), Psycho Suzi’s (great hipster spot for chit-chat and tasty eats) and Tony Jaro’s (the aforementioned greenies will knock you on your ass and give you gut rot, but, like, in a good way, you know?).

5. Mario’s Keller Bar
The rookies refer to Mario’s as Gasthof’s, which is actually the name of the restaurant upstairs. The basement bar, Mario’s, is the scene of the late-night revelry. The kids love it; in the past few years of Nordeast’s rejuvenation, Mario’s has become the most popular of them all. It’s teeming with sweaty yuppies most Fridays and Saturdays, which adds to the entertainment level (and temperature). I like Mario’s, but I don’t love it, I know I’m in the minority on this one. To me it’s a bit gimmicky, and therefore overrated. The live band usually plays the same polka crap (which is fun for about five minutes), the booze is phenomenally expensive ($10 for a big beer), and the bar is so dark that it’s easy to lose people. Love drinking out of a boot though.

4. Laura’s
Laura’s is located on Marshall, just up the street from Elsie’s and the Mpls Yacht Club. It’s barely inhabited by the twentysomething trendy crowd, so the feel is that of a salt-of-the-earth neighborhood tavern. And in that capacity it’s the best of the bunch. Nice large square bar, karaoke on the weekends and the friendly patrons make Laura’s a perfect locale to get your small-town ya-yas out. Plus it’s always more fun going to a bar no one knows about, right?

3. Mayslack’s
As mentioned before, Mayslack’s is infinitely more enjoyable when a fun band is rocking out on the cramped stage. But even without a band, or more commonly, a band that’s just so-so, ‘Slack’s is a solid choice for a night out. They’ve got great food (it’s true that Nobody Beats Mayslack’s Meats – their roast beef sammies are the tops), a wide bar and a friendly patio. Plus on weekends the place is usually hopping enough to see new faces, yet never so crowded that you can’t get a drink. That’s as rare as is it refreshing.

2. Nye’s
Nye’s has a timeless feel to it; a lounge straight out of Swingers that’s appropriate for senior citizens and gen-Xers alike. The piano karaoke bar adds a subtle touch of personality, and the fact that it’s a piano means there’s no embarrassing drunken karaoke performances (except by me – I almost got kicked out after my painful rendition of “Sweet Caroline”). It’s all class, all the way. Patrons relax on high-backed vinyl booths in the main room, cheap tables in the adjoining Polka Room (where the toothless Ruth Adams mumbles her way through performances with her hilariously geriatric band). Nye’s has been around forever and there are few surprises, but the personality, hubbub and unique entertainment make for plenty enough reasons to spend an entire evening. Dig it.

1. Elsie’s
Ah, Elsie’s. The moonlight bowling slash karaoke bar slash high-tabled conversation den. Getting a lane is sometimes tough, but with the old school Motown music and cozy tables for each lane under the fluorescent blacklight atmosphere, it’s worth the wait. While you’re waiting, or if you didn’t come to bowl (most don’t), there’s a nice-sized bar area where drunk morons sing karaoke in one corner and others sit and chat over pitchers of beer. And have you been to the sweet patio? To my knowledge it’s fairly new. In terms of Nordeast bars, Elsie’s combines the best activity (bowling) with a great patio, enjoyable karaoke section and decent grub. The place is usually busy, but never overcrowded. How this isn’t the most popular spot in the city is unexplainable to me, but I don’t mind. It will be our little (semi-) secret

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