:: OPEN MIC 2006 ::
Article #2 from guest writer Goethke Part two of Adam Goethke's 2006 MLB Season Preview is now posted: The NL & Postseason. The piece turned out to be exactly 4,000 words, by the way. I wanted you to know that.
the monkey on my back With tender loving care, I submit this to you: Tuesday's American Idol recap. The first one published before midnight all season, by the way.
new article by guest writer Take a peek at guest writer Adam Goethke's in-depth 2006 MLB Season Preview for the American League. Expect the NL/Postseason installment to be published Wednesday or Thursday of this week.
The Cooler: March 18-24 The Cooler: a rundown of all the web finds and other interesting stories to show up on B's radar throughout the week. Published every Friday, unless it's not. I’ll warn you right now: nearly every story in this week’s edition of The Cooler is related to sports. My apologies to you non-sports fans. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I searched and searched for interesting pop culture nuggets, but the only stories that tickled my fancy were sports-related. Believe me, nothing else happened this week (unless you count this. A warning: it may be the sign of the apocalypse. Proceed with caution). Anyway, enjoy. > Hey, wanna see something gross?! (All together now: “Do I!”) Head on over to bestsiteever Deadspin and have a looksie at Villanova guard Allen Ray’s eye injury. You may lose your lunch, but in return you’ll gain a newfound appreciation for your still-intact eyeballs. That, my friends, is a trade-off I’ll take any day of the week. (By the way, I know this story is a bit dated by now, what with Ray seemingly recovered and tearing it up in the tourney, but since I was bathing in a tub of Corona when it happened I’m just now getting around to providing the link.) > Chuck Klosterman’s “Be Like Bode” column on ESPN’s Page 2 is a particularly interesting read. For the record, I agree with every last word. Long-winded, lighthearted yet philosophical…it’s Chuckles at his best. > (Speaking of the Evil Empire…) This week’s #1 reason why you should hate ESPN: the “sports leader’s” transparently self-serving coverage of the Barry Bonds steroid scandal. Pathetic. > Reason #2 to hate ESPN: ESPN Radio’s resident jerkoff Colin Cowherd went on the air yesterday and shamelessly stole an entire bit from a relatively-unknown blog without crediting the site. When the blog got angry about it (natch), he called them whiners and refused to apologize. Classy move. It takes a special kind of asshole to act in such a manner. Any respectable company would fire Cowherd immediately, right? Far as I know, plagiarism is generally frowned upon. ESPN, on the other hand…don’t hold your breath. > I randomly stumbled upon this picture of American Idol contestant Kellie Pickler in her hideous Aladdin-themed senior high prom dress. I swear I wasn’t looking for it. It found me. I swear! Stop looking at me like that! > And now, for this week’s greatest story: Carlos Boozer is suing Prince. Yes, you read that correctly. Here’s the skinny: Boozer rented out his Los Angeles mansion to Prince for a few months, who then proceeded to make all sorts of unauthorized alterations to the house, such as installing beauty salon chairs and – inevitably -- painting the house purple. Of course he painted the house purple. The Mighty MJD has the best take on the sitchyation. My favorite point: “I don’t know why people even bother to make shit up sometimes. Carlos Boozer is suing Prince. How much fucking imagination does a person need?” > Were you aware? A recent study conducted by the Sociology Department at the renowned Northwestern University revealed that a person wearing an official WoB t-shirt was 215% more likely to get laid than someone who was not. That’s a fact. And by “fact,” I mean “complete fabrication in an attempt to sell remaining shirts because they’re taking up space in my apartment and I’m sick of looking at them.” So please, buy a shirt already. (Oh, and a note to the locals: if you feel like hangin’ with your uncle B this weekend, I’ll be at The Hopefuls show Friday night at O’Gara’s. Be there or be length x width.)
return of the recaps Tuesday's Idol recap is here.
TELL ME YOU MISSED ME New WoB article today, The Cabologue. World of B: now with even more self-indulgence! American Idol recaps to resume tomorrow.
The forecast is calling for drunken merriment Dearest readers, The words "all-inclusive" may sound like heaven to some, but I for one am scared to death. You see, I'll be vacationing with my younger brother and sister, two people who, if asked what they enjoy more than anything in this life, would likely answer, "watching my older brother get drunk and make an ass out of himself." Apparently I'm a moron. So, I am in trouble. I won't be surprised if I wake up every morning to the two of them handing me a mimosa and chanting "Drink! Drink! Drink!" Things may get real ugly, real fast. My mom has already begun crying. My main goals this weekend, in order, are: (1) not die, (2) not puke in front of my parents, (3) not have a nervous breakdown due to lack of computer/website access, (4) catch up on sleep and (5) hunt down Sammy Hagar and punch him in the nose. Wish me luck. Have a good week, friends. xoxox,
Wednesday's american idol recap Here. Enjoy. Tell your friends.
For your eyes only Two new articles posted this evening: a tribute to Kirby Puckett, and Tuesday night's American Idol recap. Talk about opposite ends of the emotion spectrum. I'm spent.
I did this for you I watched the lame Academy Awards tonight; wrote a short recap. I hope you enjoy the write-up a helluva lot more than I enjoyed the actual show. At the very least, the article won't take three-and-a-half hours to read. That is, unless you're Vince Young.
The Cooler: Feb 27 - Mar 3 The Cooler: a rundown of all the web finds and other interesting stories to show up on B's radar throughout the week. Published every Friday, unless it's not. > Has America grown tired of making fun of veep Dick Cheney's itchy trigger finger? I, for one, have not. My favorite find on this subject, sent in by a reader, is a spoof entitled Cheney Plays Folsom. Warning: song includes cursing. Certain grandparents of B (Hi Nana! Hi Pop-pop!) should steer clear. > Something my readers may not be aware of: I was recently awarded the national honor of "Only Person In America To Have Not Read Malcolm Gladwell." An unexpected honor. What can I say? I have but a few hours of free time per week, and those The Gauntlet II episodes aren't going to watch themselves. Anyway, I do have a point to this story: Bill Simmons traded emails with Gladwell today on Simmons's ESPN site, the two cracking wise about various sports and entertainment topics. A great read. Also, in response to a mini-chart Gladwell devised concerning live sports versus televised, here are my ratings:
> Alyson Ward of the Star-Telegram has written a wonderful piece on Jon Stewart and his impact on the political landscape. Thorough and funny. Add me to the long list of educated twentysomethings who relies on The Daily Show for the bulk of my political news. One great excerpt from The Daily Show, as noted in the article: "On Vice President Dick Cheney’s quail-hunting mishap: “Near tragedy over the weekend in South Texas. Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt at a political supporter’s ranch, making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, was shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington . . . was mistaken for a bird.”" > I don't know who wrote the following piece, and honestly I don't have the energy to find out. All I know is the reader who sent it to me was not the author, though he pretended he was. Plagiarizing bastard. Funny stuff though: 10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong 01) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning. 02) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall. 03) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract. 04) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal. 05) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed. 06) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children. 07) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children. 08) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America. 09) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children. 10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans. > American Idol is in full force, with 90 minute shows Tuesday and Wednesday. The contestants sent home Thursday were Heather Cox, Brenna Gethers, David Radford and Sway Penala. I'm running at an impressive 75% kick-off prediction rate, a figure that acurately encapsulates just how big of a loser I've become. > And finally, a blast from the past: the now-defunct Black Table is quite possibly the greatest site on the world wide web. Until further notice, I'll be devoting my nights to sifting through BT's extensive back pages.
idol: pleasing the elderly since 2006! My recap of last night's Idol. Not fun.
New Wob article Behold, B's review of Saturday night's "Tamar Featuring Prince" concert. And if you prefer to read a review by an actual professional, check out the Star Tribune's take.
more idol for the masses My American Idol recap of Wednesday's show has been published.
new article, ribbed for your pleasure I've written a silly little recap of last night's American Idol episode, the first live installment of the season. Expect more.
Output, get yer output Updated: The Dispatch and B's Book Club.
a whole lot of nothingness going on I can't decide what I'm enjoying more: the unwatchable Olympics or writer's block. It is truly a toss-up. Point is, February blows. Side note: running back Ricky Williams tested positive for substance abuse for the fourth time in his career. In a more shocking bit of news, the sun set in the West this evening. Ha! More tomorrow.
Webmaster B is skipping town again, this time for a weekend ice-fishing jaunt to the frigid landscape of Lake Mille Lacs. B's weekend will be spent begging his stepdad to bait his hook (he'd prefer avoiding minnow stains on his pristine outfit) and repeatedly complaining about the cold weather to anyone within earshot. B is oh so excited. His step-dad, not so much. While anxiously waiting for B's return to the WoB, see what he's been up to in the web design world: Billy Johnson's Roadshow and ASAP Rocks.
There'll be no updates to this site until Tuesday at least, as I'll be in Steamboat, CO on a skiing boondoggle. A few things to do while I'm making like Sunny Bono: 1. Try to make sense of this article: Disney trades Al Michaels for cartoon rabbit. I'm speechless. I am without speech. 2. Watch the trailer for Dave Chappelle's Block Party. Am I the last one to find out about this? I actually did a little jig, right here in my apartment, when I first saw the clip. 3. Have a chuckle at this classic exchange:
1. I've recently added a Pages section to the site (aka B's Book Club), which will consist of short book reviews. The page was updated today. 2. A new article: It's A Vivarin Thing. 3. So first Michelle Tanner admits to having an eating disorder. Then Stephanie Tanner, not to be outdone, goes public with her meth addiction. It's your move, D.J.
1. Update to the Dispatch page with information about B's childhood friend & adulthood idol Pat Neshek. 2. The first installment of a monthly series: miTunes, The Current.
My new column for Industry Magazine: Dear Fashion Impaired Stranger. A warning before you read: it's not very good. I had to write an article related to the issue's Fashion theme, but since I don't have many opinions on the subject, out came this. Oy.
What to read: > I've updated my Dispatch: Reader Mail page. > Chuck Klosterman's blog about the Super Bowl is worth checking out, as is Neal Pollack's fun little piece "Preschool of Rock" in the New York Times. > And for the super hilarious, go to the CareerBuilder "Monk E-mail" page and send an e-card to a friend. A classic time-waster. When my friend typed in "it's like jumping into a pool of bananas" and the monkey said it with a British accent, I nearly lost my lunch.
A list of the upcoming shows I plan to attend (big help from my concert source The Big Ticket): February 8 -- Marah @ 400 Bar February 23 -- Common @ First Ave March 3 -- Nada Surf & Rogue Wave @ Fine Line March 10 -- Stereolab @ First Ave March 12 -- Belle and Sebastian & New Pornographers @ Orpheum March 21 -- The Minus 5 @ 400 Bar
One lesson I learned this week: DO NOT cross Oprah Winfrey. Sweet Jesus, did anyone else see her lay into shamed writer James Frey on her show Thursday? I’m not going to lie, it was tough to watch. Oprah doled out a tongue-lashing usually reserved for red-headed stepchildren to a feeble Frey, who could only muster a few quiver-lipped excuses when Oprah paused to take a breath. The man deserved to be lectured, but Oprah’s condescension was so uncomfortable I almost found myself feeling sympathy for Frey. Then I remembered he’s a spoiled frat boy who made millions by fabricating an education at the School of Hard Knocks, then bragged to every media outlet that’d listen about his badass-ness. What a tool. Final tally: Frey 0, Oprah 0.
I wish i knew how to quit you, George
new wob article Crashing and Burning, a piece about my most hated movie ever. Indolence, part deux To add to my hectic schedule, I was recently shipped off to Connecticut for a work thang. So, still no articles here. While I'm working on a new piece, I invite my reader(s) to spend a few minutes (or, like me, a few hours) at The Lonely Island. It's the website of the guys who wrote the uber-popular Chronic-(what!)-cles of Narnia sketch on SNL. Mr. Pibb and Red Vines equals crazy delicious! Another one of my favorites can be found here. Subtle humor is a fleeting concept on SNL, so this short was especially pleasing.
My brain has gone numb from working on my web projects, but I wanted to take a moment to point out this story by Dan Wetzel about Kobe Bryant's recent 81-point game. There isn't a lamer or more hilarious angle in all of WriterLand than taking a stand on an argument that doesn't even exist. Mr. Wetzel: no one was complaining about Kobe's performance! We all enjoyed it! Who are you yelling at? The writer comes off as a guy trying to start a debate in a bar by saying things like "Call me crazy, but I think that Angelina Jolie chick is sexy" or "I don't care what you say, LeBron James is going to be a good player someday!" Anyway, it made me laugh.
This website is on hold for a few days while I finish up a few web design projects. If you're bored you can look at this video clip sent to me by reader Adam G. You'll laugh in a "yeah, I'm going straight to Hell" kind of way.
It doesn't get any more pointless than this: Naming of the Band. It might be funny, I don't know.
Turns out I am capable of writing another article: American Idol Confessions. Welcome back, me. If that doesn't tickle your fancy, you can check out Chuck Klosterman's new piece on ESPN.com.
I'm done devoting any of my energy to learning the truth behind James Frey's "A Million Little Pieces." Did anyone else see Frey's appearance on Larry King Live? God I wish I had that hour of my life back. A synopsis: King asks a question, Frey sidesteps by using the phrase "essential truth." Process repeated 25 or 30 times. Frey's mother comes on and shockingly says she supports her son. Callers ask Frey pointless questions, he gives pointless answers. Oprah calls and spews some dramatic, senseless bullshit about the inspirational message. Nothing is solved, nothing is admitted. What a letdown. If anyone wants to buy my copy of "Pieces" in paperback, or the follow-up "My Friend Leonard" in hardcover, lemme know.
Those of you who've read James Frey's "A Million Little Pieces" -- which is pretty much every person I know -- needs to read this article from The Smoking Gun. Unbelievable. Un. Be. Lievable.
Does someone at The Onion read my website? First my Recap of my Winter Break article published here last week, now an eerily similar article on The Onion this week.
I was in the airport bathroom just after touching down in Vegas when a middle-aged gentleman rushed to the urinal next to mine and gave a long, loud moan of relief once he unzipped. Ohhhh, Ahhhhh. I was washing my hands when he finished but heard him remark to another guy, “Wow. That was worth the whole trip right there.” Anyone who files “overdue pee” under Fun while in Las Vegas has no idea what sort of excitement he’s in for. I’m betting that man had a sensory overload breakdown within 24 hours. Then again, it might do me right to lower my own expectations. Maybe I wouldn’t be so disappointed all the time. When I arrived to my room I realized I’d be staying in some “couples suite” of sorts. I was given a king size bed, mood lighting lamps and an oversized Jacuzzi showcased in the middle of the room. There was no desk, of course; the work people do in Room 4134 apparently requires no workstation. I hadn’t eaten anything all day, so I decided to cheer myself up by vegging out and ordering a burger from room service. I’d never ordered room service before, but had understood it to be a glamorous and relaxing experience. No less than an hour and a half (and one heated argument with the hotel staff) later, I was eating what I will remember as the Worst Meal Ever. Imagine taking a burger served to you on an airplane, letting it sit on your kitchen counter for two weeks so the meat goes bad and the bread goes stale, and then nuking it for five minutes. Thick, cardboardish meat, bun so stiff I almost cracked a tooth, and soggy fries to boot. What a nightmare. I had previously operated under the philosophy that ruining a meal as simple as a hamburger & fries is impossible, but dammit if Vegas didn’t punish my erroneous judgment. I wandered around my hotel in search of a vending machine but found nothing. Which made perfect sense. I decided to conclude my evening by crying myself to sleep; an act made doubly pathetic since I was able to watch myself through the mirrors on the ceiling. Something tells me that’s not what they’re made for.
This article by Andrew Foster Altschul so perfectly encapsulated my own political viewpoints that it nearly made me weep with joy. Here's hoping 2006 is the year the Democrats pull their head out of their collective arses and actually stand up for what they believe in.
(I'm writing on location from Vegas) My thoughts on the Rose Bowl game: 1. Best college football game in my lifetime. Hands down. 2. GOOD LORD Vince Young is a freak. I’ve never seen such a dominating performance by a college quarterback in all my days. To be fair, I never watch college football, but let that take nothing away from VY. He’s got all the talent of Donovan McNabb, with the extraordinary awareness and poise of Steve McNair. You heard it here first: Vince Young is a good football player. You’ve just got to trust me on this one. 3. Are we blaming Reggie Bush for that lateral fumble debacle? Seems to me the pigskin bounced right off his teammate Brad Walker’s hands. Reggie’s a playmaker; it’s not his fault that his teammate isn’t. What’s worse is, this could be the catalyst for a new universal rule to never lateral to white people. I know I wouldn’t.
1. I have posted a new list: My Top 50 Favorite Songs. I spent an embarrassing amount of time on this. Don't be fooled by my acerbic wit, unparralleled genius or striking looks: inside, I am all geek. 2. In response to my Recap Of My Winter Break article, a few readers have questioned why my roommate goes by the nickname of Spoon, some even offering their theories as to where the name originated. The truth is he gave himself the nickname, for no reason whatsoever. I do NOT call him Spoon because he and I engage in the act of spooning. But that was a hilarious suggestion. Ha ha. Laughs for everyone. Ha. Funny. 3. This website is on pause as I will be in Vegas on business for a few days. I hope to have something published again by Monday, so do check back then. Or: why not write me some hate mail? Or suggest a list topic? Go on, do it. I haven't done a Reader Mail column in a while and could use some fodder. Bring it on.
A new article: A Recap of My Winter Break.
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Hey, what are you doing back here? You've somehow stumbled into the WoB archives. We really aren't supposed to allow readers in this section, so please promptly return to the new, re-designed, slightly less terrible World of B homepage. Thanks.
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