:: OPEN MIC 2006 ::
A few more stories to help pass the time: > The AV Club's interview this week is with Amy Sedaris. The interview was conducted by Amelie Gillette, proprieter of The Hater blog. > I ain't too proud to admit I'm stoked about this new technological advancement: a cell phone with a built-in breathalyzer. Sounds great, right? Hold on, the best is yet to come: the phone will also be equipped with a setting that will disallow the users to call certain numbers when they're drunk. As the article states: "If you have a blood alcohol level over .08, the phone will not let you dial that person. So it not only promotes sobriety, but chastity — and probably your dignity, as well." I'll drink to that. > Whoever handled the touch-up work for Britney Spears' recent Harper's photo shoot deserves a friggin' medal. Having these shots in your Photoshop portfolio pretty much guarantees work for life. > Wait, one more piece of Spears news: Junkiness has yet another hilarious take on a recent interview Brit conducted with a British tabloid. > For those unaware, former pro basketball player Paul Shirley first became famous for writing a blog on nba.com about his stint with the Suns. The blog's popularity blew up, eventually landing him a role as producer of a TV show of his creation. Shirley's been writing a running column about the television-making experience for ESPN.com, and the recent installment is worth a read. All of 'em are, really. > For those who missed Wednesday night's entertaining NBA draft, Yahoo (I refuse to add the exclamation point) columnist Dan Wetzel has a decent rundown on the affair. As Wetzel notes, props to Dan Patrick on a number of humorous quips. And no, locals, Wetzel doesn't mention the T-Wolves. Not that I care. I gave up on that franchise early last season and don't expect to devote any more attention their way until Frankenstein McHale is thrown on the streets. Incompetent bastard. I'm not sure anyone has so royally screwed up a Minnesota franchise as badly as McHale (save for possibly Norm Green, though he didn't so much screw it up as just relocate the whole damn team, which likely deserves its own category). I've been planning on writing a column about my seething hatred for McHale's putrid management, but I always begin crying halfway through. It's embarrassing. I'm in my mid-20s; these things shouldn't be happening anymore.
A few pieces to help pass the time as I tread even closer to my first nervous breakdown: > "Two Coreys Together Again" may be the most exciting four words I've heard in quite some time. I always end up feeling shame for laughing at human trainwrecks like Haim & Feldman, but for now...all I'm feeling is Jessie Spano-level excitement. You know I'll be watching this show. > Feel free to try to beat my score at the quiz that challenges you to correctly attribute quotes to either Ann Coulter or Adolf Hitler. (I got 10 out of 14, by the way.) > Bill Simmons' recent column devoted to listing his favorite YouTube clips is oodles of fun. Even non-sports fans will enjoy it. Go on, get to procrastinating. That is all for now. Your editor has finished three of his four Big Projects, and after completing that final phase (and enjoying the best holiday ever this upcoming weekend), the pace at worldofb.com will assuredly return to its former speed. Lucky you.
Technology problems are looming here at the WoB headquarters, so this'll have to be brief. A few pieces to help pass the time: > The Father Knows Shit blog mentioned a few Coolers back is still one of my favorite reads. The FKS Guide to Dating Heterosexual Men is worth a read, and better yet is A Father's Day Fit For a Fucking Badass. Gooooood stuff. > I've gone on record as hating Larry the Cable Guy (and, incidentally, as having a man-crush on David Cross, but that's a story for another > Junkiness has the link & commentary on a story about our President, our fearless hero, the leader of the free world, making fun of a reporter for wearing sunglasses -- a reporter who happens to be legally blind. Smooth. > In the advertising world's unspoken battle for "worst commercial ever," Folgers just blew every competitor out of the water with their new TV spot. "You can sleep when you are dead"? I'm all for being unique, but not if it's going to result in people thinking your product is laced with acid. Sweet mother of God, whoever made that thing should be deported. I didn't think anything could ever be worse than that singing duet in the Applebee's commercials, but it turns out I was wrong. Dead wrong. Watch the clip, and prepare to sleep with a nightlight on the rest of the week.
> First off, I’m officially recommending Paste Magazine. The publication devoted to “signs of life in music, film & culture” includes a healthy combination of indie and commercial music coverage, plus each issue ($7.95) comes with a free sampler CD. This month’s disc features cuts from Matthew Sweet, Golden Smog, Josh Ritter, Mason Jennings, Jolie Holland and more. I’ll say this: if I weren’t so cheap, I’d buy a subscription today. > I forgot to mention this story when I first came across it, but just in case a few of you haven’t heard, crazy things happen when you mix Diet Coke with Mentos. "Crazy" meaning, like, a geyser. I don’t know what y’all are planning on doing this weekend, but you can guaran-friggin-tee I’ll be trading swigs of the DC with Das Freshmacher. I'll probably die. > I, for one, was utterly floored to learn that FEMA misspent hurricane relief funds. After their stellar post-hurricane relief efforts, I was thinking FEMA could do no wrong. Apparently, they can. One of the many, many, (banging my head on my desk) many sins they committed was using relief funds to buy a $200 bottle of Dom Perignon from a Hooters in San Antonio, among other expenditures. I’m sure we’re thinking the same thing here: they sell $200 bottles of wine at Hooters? I thought people only visited Hooters to choke down shitty wings and stare at depressingly unattractive waitresses. Huh. (Sarcasm-free props to Hooters for their efforts after the hurricane, though.) > A recent edition of Cool News contained an interesting piece that should help explain why Ann Coulter is such a despicable twat (sorry). An excerpt from one of her many books, “You have to outrage the enemy. If you don’t leave liberals in a sputtering, impotent rage, you’re not doing it right.” Well, that's nice. Forget, you know, actually trying to offer up valid debates and defending your viewpoint through mature, ethical tactics. Just rile up the other side! It’s fun to piss people off for no real reason! There is no denying it: Ann Coulter is the A.J. Pierzynski of politics. > From The Onion: Commercial Blasted for Product Placement, and Adam Morrison Successfully Misses Easy Layups During Workout for Raptors. > Tom Cruise has topped Forbes’ recently released Most Powerful Celebrities list. While a hearty congratulations is certainly in order, it’s important to mention that when Forbes says “power,” they’re referring to the power to make people: avoid movie theaters, hate celebrities, despise Scientology, laugh uncontrollably, and taste their own vomit. > During one recent web surfing binge, I found myself at the website of an ad agency that employs a friend of mine. I uncovered two classic television commercials the agency did for Washington Mutual. You can watch the videos here. Be sure to check out the top row second from right and fourth row far right. Classic spots. Guess I’m having tea!
If I may speak on behalf of all Minnesota Twins fans, I’d like to breathe a state-wide sigh of relief before uttering in the direction of Twins management a heated “finally.” The Powers That Be have finally (at least at this point) given up on the bargain-priced vets and turned the game over to the youngsters. Rondell White, Tony Batista and Juan Castro – the three-headed brute that’s been giving me nightmares since Opening Day – have been supplanted in the lineup in favor of the kiddie squad. And I -- no, we -- say, finally. To recap the damage: Kubel has been handed a starting spot ahead of Rondell White (who’s still getting PT ‘til Stewart returns), Batista’s been replaced by, well, anyone, and Castro has been relegated to the backup role behind Jason Bartlett. All signs are pointing to a significant lineup improvement, but even if the new guys don’t quite step it up…it can’t get any worse. At least now the next generation is getting some big league experience. Great news, right? Well, yes and no. In a point I already sarcastically touched on in one of my throwaway Deadspin comments, this replacement of White, Castro and Batista with Kubel, Bartlett and who-the-fuck-ever would be a shrewd coaching decision…if the calendar read April. We are, unfortunately, firmly entrenched in June Gloom, a time when our Twinkies find themselves playing decent ball but still remain on the wrong side of the .500 mark. I don’t even want to get into how many games out of first they currently sit. Point is, the battle is an uphill one, and at present time a playoff appearance looks to be nearly impossible. Gardenhire’s slow trigger finger likely cost the ’06 Twins any odd shot at the postseason they may have had. So there’s the rub; our very own “Facts of Life” scenario. You take the good, you take the bad. And even with the recent upswing in play, fans probably have a right to bellyache for the remainder of the campaign. But, at least for me, looking at the big picture…playoff scenario or no, I have to admit I’m enthused. That's me, standing on the sunny side of the street. We’re cheering on our gifted young ballers Mauer, Franny, Morneau, Boof, Kubel and Bartlett like we wanted all along. Probably the most talented young teammates in the game, I’d venture. And sure, the team got off to a putrid start, but the pieces seem to be in place for an enjoyable – well, at least watchable – rest of the summer. A watchable team; shouldn’t that be all that matters? That’s the mood I’m currently wearing. I don’t need the Twins to win it all to make the season worthwhile (that’s a viewpoint that should be exclusive to the players), I just want to enjoy following them, a carefree fan never questioning whether I’m wasting my time. I had a friend sum it up best by saying, “I just want the Twins to be decent. If they suck, it kind of ruins the whole summer.” That’s my point. Pennants are a bonus; all I ask for is a respectable showing. Buncha fellas who play the game right. And with the recent lineup shuffling, the Twins seem to have the squad to do it. No White, no Batista, no Castro. Finally.
Your spirited editor B has been saddled, all-of-a-sudden-like, with a lethal combination of professional obligations and crippling lethargy, which means this website may be light on content the next couple weeks. I'll still be pumping out editions of The Cooler, and of course the YouTube videos will always be around, so you are formally invited to make a daily visit to see what's new. In fact, I promise something new tomorrow. But just know there may be a temporary lull in full-length articles. Once the aforementioned duties have been completed, you can expect the WoB to return to prior form, perhaps even sucking more than before! No promises though.
Because you didn't feel like working today anyway... >> I know this story fits every possible definition of "tragic," but still...it's almost too ridiculous to feel much sympathy for the guy. (For those who don't feel like clicking on the link, here's the recap: an ultra-religious dude in Kiev climbed into a lion's den because he was sure God would save him. The result? Pretty much the exact opposite of irony. Directly asking God to perform a miracle on your behalf...not smart. That's one of the first lessons taught in church, no?) >> Kraft Foods has decided to execute a promotion in which it asks consumers to write in with their ideas for a new food product. It's a fun concept, one that will ostensibly translate into Kraft actually producing and selling said product. The bad news for you innovators out there, however, is that no matter how much money Kraft may end up making off your delish new dish, you will be compensated no more than $5,000 total. Nothing like a little big-business exploitation to get those creative juices flowing, eh? Bravo, Kraft (sarcastic slow-clapping). Bravo. >> I missed this last week, but Jim Baker's "Who Thunk It? baseball facts" piece on ESPN's Page 2 had me laughing out loud numerous times. His bit on blogging was shoulder-shake giggleworthy. Blogging. Heh. >> My favorite new blog is Father Knows Shit, in which the author details his life raising a baby daughter. It's nice to know not all dads turn into neutered, road-rage geeks who wear visible nose sunblock and sandals with socks once they convince/force a woman to spawn their child. This dude is still as sarcastic and vulgar as us child-free fellers. There's hope for all of us. >> Newsweek has posted an interview with the great Paul Westerberg, it's a good read. Westerberg is still one of the coolest musicians on the planet. The Replacements new "best of" CD comes out Tuesday, by the way, and it features two brand spankin' new tracks. >> Smoosh's new album is featured on the awesome AOL's Full CD Listening Party site. The Cooler: a rundown of all the web finds and other interesting stories to show up on B's radar throughout the week. Published every Friday, unless it's not. > The most useful/dangerous time-waster I've unearthed this week, hands down, is Stalkerati. The aptly-named site can simultaneously search MySpace, Facebook, Friendster, blogs and the web for any person's name entered. Go forth, commence stalking. I wish you luck. > Anyone who shares my boundless love for the Flaming Lips can listen to an NPR interview they did with David Dye. Suitable background audio while you > In other music news, indie teenybopper band Smoosh (its members are 12- and 14-year-old sisters, no kidding) is set to drop their second album next Tuesday. I've been given an inordinate amount of ribbing for being a fan of Smoosh (fad-following poser!) but I genuinely enjoyed the bubbly spirit in their first release She Like Electric. Sorry. I'll be picking up the new release Free To Stay at first opportunity (for what it's worth, PopMatters dug it). > This week's AV Club issue features an interview with Paul Rudd, who seems like a genuinely decent, funny guy. I'm always amazed by celebrities who actually appear to be, you know, normal. Pretty good read, as far as interviews go. > As most sports fans know, pitcher Roger Clemens (affectionately known as The Anti-Christ in some circles) has recently come out of retirement to sign a contract with the Houston Astros, the very team he supposedly retired from after last season. The most popular theory to explain Roger's strange decision to sit out the first two months of the season (forgoing millions of dollars in the process), only to sign for the exact same team is that he tested positive for steroids and the league's Powers That Be are making him serve the requisite 50-game suspension but allowing him to keep the test results a secret. My thoughts on this admittedly delightful scenario: while that theory justifies his early-season absence (the 'Stros have played 54 games), and helps to explain why he'd sign midseason with a team not currently in the postseason picture...well, something just doesn't add up. Why would the very same executives who forced him to serve the suspension also allow him to keep secret his actual reason for not playing? If they were so intent on keeping his steroids issue (and inevitable PR nightmare) under wraps, and they were going to bend the rules anyway, why not just let him play from the season's onset? Still...what a great conspiracy theory. One of the best ever. > Apropos of nothing, I dug up one of my favorite Defective Yeti posts: Hell Is Other Patrons, which is, quite simply, a story about the author's hellish experience in a grocery store checkout lane. Somehow, he makes it entertaining. Proof that a story's topic means nothing; how it's told is all that matters. > After I heard Twins telecaster Bert Blyleven ask a hilariously inappropriate question during Wednesday's game, I quickly described the scenario on my site, and gave a heads up to Deadspin. The next day they mentioned the story, and it was also quickly, surprisingly, noted on the Best Week Ever blog, another one of my favorite sites. Now that's exciting; every American should be able to enjoy the hilarity that is Blyleven shoving his huge foot directly into his gaping mouth. I'm just here to spread the word. Have a good weekend. The WoB will return with new content Monday, including an album review, a new miTunes mix and more. This installment of The Cooler will be short and sweet, considering the clock's struck midnight and webmaster B is just beginning to compile the content. Sorry. Try to enjoy anyway. > Now, obviously, fronting the most popular heavy metal band of the 80s is pretty much the definition of a "rock n' roll" lifestyle. Getting arrested at your own concerts, struggling with drug and alcohol abuse, in-fighting with bandmates...still very, very rock n' roll. Even delaying the release of your latest album for a decade while the rest of your band members quit to join other bands can still be classified, albeit loosely, as total rock n' roll behavior. But getting cold-cocked by a decade-older fashion designer at a private party, and then not even fighting back? Why, that isn't even a little rock n' roll. It's pathetic, really. Axl Rose, you have now officially, undeniably, laughably "jumped the shark" for eternity. Nice knowin' ya. > I couldn't have been the only T-Wolves fan (and Bucks fan, for that matter) trying to stifle a sinister giggle while reading Bill Simmons' latest fawning over alien point guard Sam Cassell. In the article, Simmons not only mentions how superb a player Cassell is, but even goes so far to suggest he could be a player-coach. Wait 'til year two, Simmons, wait 'til year two. > Another ESPN feature struck me as funny this week...the "satirical" A-Rod article from DJ Gallo. Remember when satire used to be subtle? Ah, those were the days. So, let's consider this Gallo piece...funny concept, over-the-top delivery, article about four times as long as it should have been...wait, does this guy write for the Phat Phree???? > I'll bet you didn't know there is a hill in Romania devoted entirely to helping couples conceive their love spawn. It's called the "humping hill," and no, I am not making this up. Read for yourself. > The most buzzworthy recent video clips: Brandon Davis unleashing a barrage of hateful/hilarious venom directed at everyone's favorite, um, redhead Lindsay Lohan; a news anchorwoman uttering a hilarious freudian slip on live television and, of course, quite possibly the funniest video clip I've ever seen (especially if you take the time to read the hundreds of comments afterwards), the phantom library knuckle-shuffler. An abbreviated list of concerts worthy of your attention throughout the summer. (Information culled with the help of More Cowbell. Thanks Cowbell, you truly are the only cure to my fever.) June 3 -- The Walkmen @ 400 Bar June 23 -- Aimee Mann @ MN Zoo June 23 -- Fiery Furnaces / We Are Scientists @ First Ave June 26/27 -- Pearl Jam and Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers @ Xcel July 2 -- Wilco @ The DECC (Duluth) July 14 -- Fiona Apple / Damien Rice @ Northrop July 22 -- Pete Yorn (Acoustic) @ Varsity July 24 -- Beth Orton @ First Ave July 31 -- Eels @ MN Zoo August 3 -- The Raconteurs @ First Ave August 24 -- The Flaming Lips @ State Fair A few 'net delectables to cheer you up after a weekend spent drinking yourself stupid to cope with the tragic death of Marisa Cooper. I wasn't the only one, was I? > A few mildly funny one-liners from the recent NBC upfront presentation (read: announcement of next season's lineup), found on the Broadcasting & Cable blog:
> My favorite video of the week came courtesy of Deadspin: an old clip of two Pittsburgh Penguin players talking some hilarious trash at North Star Brian Bellows. (Best enjoyed at full volume, preferably in the vicinity of your boss.) It's rare to find evidence of hockey players being foul-mouthed dickheads, as most are known for their respectfulness and professional courtesy. Not to mention their pristine grooming habits. > A new blog called Junkiness was launched last week, seemingly devoted to off-kilter news and gossip stories. Looks to be bookmarkable. After all, 'twas Junkiness that alerted me to the humorous This Is Your Brain on Drugs piece on McSweeney's. > The big news in Minnesota over the weekend was the approval of the Twins' stadium proposal by the Minnesota Senate. The only remaining step is a final write-off by lame-ass governor Tim Pawlenty, which is said to be a mere formality. As of now the plan is to have the park ready for the 2010 season. This is of course wonderful news for us Twins fans, especially when envisioning the Minneapolis skyline in the outfield, the walkway connecting the stadium to the Block E neighborhood and other concepts already being tossed around, but I still can't be fully on board for a stadium that doesn't include a retractable roof. Sorry, I just can't. If the Twins are going to get a new stadium, they should do it right. It's a shame that we haven't learned anything from the Metrodome debacle. The Dome was exciting the first few years it was around, but it soon grew outdated due to the short-sightedness and corner-cutting when it was first built. In a desperate move to get a Dome they ended up half-assing the effort, and a mere 20 years later the entire state of Minnesota wanted to blow the damn thing up. Cut to present time... the very same team, again desperate for a stadium, again decides to concede important venue assets just to get the thing built. You'll have to forgive me for being skeptical. (Also related to the Twins' new stadium: a joke piece from former Pioneer Press writer Jim Caple on ESPN's Page 2.) According to the Chicago Sun-Times, Wrigley has recently unveiled a new coffee-flavored gum. The new flavor seems a rather strange choice when considering that gum’s chief attribute is the ability to mask bad breath stemming from tastes such as coffee. The sell promises to be most challenging. Hey, instead of drinking coffee, try our new coffee-flavored gum! You’ll have equally offensive breath, with none of that pesky caffeine! In a separate statement, Wrigley also announced other potential flavors currently in product testing include Garlic, Tuna, Morning Breath and Ass. ********** I was glad to see SportsCenter making such a big deal out of Mother’s Day, but I couldn’t help but find the entire charade a tad bit patronizing, a sort of wink-and-pinch-on-the-butt “big up to Moms” moment from the male-centric network. The show did an extended segment devoted to mothers, but spent that time thanking them for such things as toting the kids to their sports practices, washing out grass stains on uniforms, loving the little tykes win or lose…pretty much every stereotypical duty a mother performs. I’m not saying the moms who support their children in such a predictable manner are any less essential, but what about the mothers that worked to support the family, the ones who laced up the li’l guy’s skates before practice, the ones who actually coached the teams? New-skool moms evidently got no love from the Worldwide Leader, which seemed content offering the message of, “thanks for everything, Mrs. Cleavers of the world! Here’s to a day of gratitude for all you women practicing conventional, demeaning gender roles. May your daughters follow in your footsteps!” I mean, I’m all for helping women come to grips with the fact that they’re the inferior gender, but at least I don’t go about publicizing that outlook on national television, you know? I kid. But seriously…I was under the impression that Sunday was Mother’s Day, not Stay-At-Home Mother’s Day. A note from your editor... First off, the bad news: I will be unable to recap tomorrow night's American Idol due to a business boondoggle to the Big Apple. Lo siento, amigos. But the good news (besides the fact that I'm going to the Big Apple, which I suppose is only good news for me and is probably causing you to feel rightful pangs of jealousy, especially when I mention I'll be at the Yankees-Red Sox game tomorrow night, eat your heart out) is: below you'll find an extended edition of The Cooler. This should tide you over until my return later in the week. > If you only have time for one minute of ridiculousness today, be sure to head to the BWE blog to see a clip of Tom Cruise "dancing" at an appearance on BET's 106th and Park. Hilariously awkward footage; Cruise's dancing makes my stepdad look like Michael Jackson circa 1988. So, in conclusion, in addition to teaching us that psychiatry is BS and post-mortem depression is a hoax, Cruise has also shown us that "motorcycle simulation" is the worst possible dance move on the planet. Lesson learned. > Another thing I'd probably appreciate more if I were a stoner, but still rather humorous even without the aid of narcotics, is this video clip entitled "One Day." A summary: David Cross is a human-sized turd following around the dude who, ahem, dropped him off in a public restroom. Yes, it is as weird as it sounds. Directed by Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind's Michael Gondry. > Just in case I'm not the very last human on Earth to find this out, I officially direct you to download.com, which has over 75,000 mp3s available to download for free. What a find. I've already snagged tracks from Cat Power, Nada Surf, Aimee Mann, Friends Like These and more. Dig in, folks, and send on your recommendations. > Filed under "Something I Wish I Had Written" is the Mighty MJD's mighty lengthy article If NBA Teams Were 80s Sitcoms. A great concept; hilarious result. > Perhaps the biggest news story of last week, at least in pop-cultureville, was Stephen Colbert's appearance at the White House correspondents' dinner, in which the political comedian made repeated digs and sarcastic remarks at the direction of President Bush while standing just a few feet away from him. While the jokes weren't always funny, the very idea of making such bold statements while looking the President dead in the eye was incredibly brave, and, admittedly, a little tough to watch from the sheer awkwardness of the situation. You can watch the video via YouTube here: part 1 and part 2. > The funniest thing I've read in the past week came from McSweeney's: Thanks For the Intervention. Genius, Lloyd, sheer genius.
> Two respectable quips from the surprisingly awesome Best Week Ever blog:
> Also on the BWE blog, a hilarious stage reenactment of classic Nintendo game Super Mario Brothers from a college theater group. Send this link to everyone you know between the ages of 21 and 28. They will thank you for it. > Two hilarious quips from the absolutely awesome Defamer:
> Gregg Easterbrook’s must-read column Tuesday Morning Quarterback is set to return to ESPN’s Page 2 at the beginning of the NFL season, which is great news for those of us who enjoy 15,000 word columns featuring inane observations combined with astute football commentary. One enjoyable nugget pulled from the first TMQ column of the year, Mocking the Mock Draft:
> Blender ranks the 50 Worst Things To Happen To Music. I’m appalled at the egregious oversight of Tim McGraw on the list (am I the only one to have heard the abominable “Indian Outlaw”?), but “Jazz Fusion” at #31 helps to dull the pain. > Speaking of the Vikes, I was rather excited about the ’06 season (with the exception of the hideous new uniforms) until last weekend’s draft. Now I'm not sure what to think about this coaching staff. A first rounder who was best described by coach Brad Childress as a “squared-away kid” – I’m all for drafting guys with strong character, but shouldn’t ability be the top priority? – followed by several gambles…what a letdown. But hey, at least we’ve got Brad Johnson! I mean, he can throw the ball almost 40 whole yards! With only a three-step running start! For those who aren’t yet appropriately befuddled at the Vikes' draft of quarterback Tarvaris Jackson in round two, I invite you to read this report from the Star Tribune. An excerpt that will make you either audibly chuckle or claw your eyes out, depending on the level of your devotion to the purple-n-gold: “Jackson began his career at Arkansas but transferred after falling behind on the depth chart to Matt Jones, now a receiver for Jacksonville.” Vikes fans, are you crying yet? In conclusion, the Vikings' new QB of the future was beaten out at his position by a wide receiver. Does it get any more ludicrous than that? I should think not. Early reports are showing Jackson as seventh on the Vikings quarterback depth chart, behind Johnson, Mike McMahon, Spurgon Wynn, Troy Williamson, Zygi Wilf and apparent transvestite cheerleader Sarah. > Daily must-read Deadspin has a nine-minute video of outtakes from a Bobby Knight instructional golf video from the 80’s. What you should know: (1) Knight sucks at golf, (2) the script is laughably bad, and (3) Knight does not attempt to curb his infamous rage or incomparable gutter mouth. By my count: 56 swear words and 1 hilarious “endorsement” for Pizza Hut. Easily the funniest nine minutes of my week. > The Defective Yeti has provided us with yet another reason to hate this administration. The stellar DY article is in response to the Republican Party’s proposal to give taxpayers $100 rebates to help curb sky-rocketing gas prices, which may very well be the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. The ingenious proposal would ultimately do two things: (1) increase the national debt, while (2) allowing Big Oil to continue to charge whatever the hell they want per gallon. Our administration is continuing to teach us that it's easier to cover a problem up than to actually fix it. Great. Thanks. > New on the WoB this week: review of Prince's album 3121, an interview with musician Annette Summersett, recap of the latest American Idol, an update to the Twins blog, and These Crazy Kids With Their Fashion. More tomorrow.
> Last Thursday, the California Supreme Court threw out the sexual harrassment case filed by a former writers' assistant for the TV show Friends. Amaani Lyle, the plaintiff, claimed she was treated to obscene language and crude remarks that resulted in what she deemed to be sexual harassment. The Smoking Gun has a copy of the filed case declaration which, though eight pages in length, is worth your attention. The remarks Lyle noted as "offensive" are utterly ridiculous, and at times downright laughable. A quick sampling of the claims:
Now, if these sorts of comments were indeed found to be sexual harassment, I and everyone I know would've been locked up years ago. For life, I suspect. God bless the California legal system. If that opportunistic lame-ass had won her case, it would have set the whole women's lib movement back a decade, at least in the television writing industry. (Lindsay Roberton has a great piece on this story, by the way.) > An article from the Yale college newspaper, written in February but just recently uncovered by B, ties International Relations with -- wait for it -- The O.C. Damn funny stuff and, amazingly, one doesn't have to be high to understand its content. Though, to be fair, my guess is it'd help. > Rolling Stone's website has an expanded version of the mag's interview with Eddie Vedder. He seems nice. That is all I have to say. > Random observation: Next time you're watching Baseball Tonight, take a good, long look at John Kruk. You will see a mostly-concealed, but undeniably evident, chew in his bottom lip. I had previously thought the only people dumb enough to think they were actually successful in hiding their chews were high school jocks, but alas, I was wrong. > One of my favorite daily e-mails at work is the Brandweek Daily Insider. I highly recommend subscribing. An example from today's Insider: "AGAIN WITH THE SURVEYS: Guess what tomorrow is? National Plumber’s Day! Yeah, we didn’t know, either, but apparently the folks at Scott Toilet Tissue did, and even ran a survey to mark the date. Commissioned by the Scott Tissue and Clog Clinic (The mind boggles) the survey, which gets some important information “out there” while also pushing the Scott’s brand, found New York to be the “cloggiest” city, followed by Miami/Fort Lauderdale, Los Angeles and Philadelphia. We don’t even wanna know how they conducted their research, but they did offer that their brand of paper dissolves best (no surprises there) and uncovered some surprising numbers. For example, 37% of respondents said no one takes responsibility for clogging the toilet, 57% believe men are more likely to clog a toilet, 87% have used a plunger to unclog a toilet, and 70% agree that toilet clogs “are a real headache.” While we don’t dispute their numbers, with respect to the last two items; A) If they didn’t use a plunger, what did they use?; and B) 30% think clogged toilets are … what, fun? The answers can be found at ScottClogClinic.com." > In addition to National Plumber's Day, tomorrow, April 25th is also Holocaust Remembrance Day; or, as Mel Gibson refers to it, "Tuesday."
> Fake journalism and fake heterosexuality, together at last! Hilarity by way of ridiculousness. > I've told this story about Chris Berman to nearly everyone I know. Read, then retell. Guaranteed laughs. > I don't want to overstate this, but Chuckles Klosterman's ESPN cover story on Barry Bonds is utterly fantastic, quite easily the best thing I've read on the subject. > I've published another entry in my 2006 Twins blog. Drink it in, it always goes down smooth. > Once more, a request from B for reader mail. I'd love to hear some arguments, opinions, questions, hate mail, list/article suggestions, reasons you love me, whatever. So go ahead, start typing already. That means you. Yes, you.
Welcome inside my brain. Would you like a tour? Big “news” in the celebrity world today: actress Gwyneth Paltrow gave birth to a son with hubby Chris Martin. Now, at first glance this story may seem rather ho-hum, but consider for a moment the name they gave him: Moses. Moses Martin. Combined with the name of the couple's firstborn, daughter Apple, one could surmise they've chosen a running theme when christening their children: off-kilter Bible-related names. I love the idea of baby-name themes and would like to offer a few suggestions for the happy couple's future offspring: Ezekiel Martin *Personal favorite As a bonus, a few suggestions on other themes for all you future parents to consider: Verbs: Trot, Rip, Leap This shall conclude my “space cadet exhibition” for today. You are now excused.
Weekend Edition: The Cooler A few more interesting reads to check out on this here interweb: 1. A great piece from one of my favoritest bloggers: defective yeti Xtreme Makeover! 2. One particularly stupid site I've been shamefully spending time at today is PSFights.com. Basically just a video collection of white trash fistfights. Not a good site for people who still believe in basic humanity. 3. Four of the best recent entries on the estimable Tricks of the Trade website: Kennel Owner -- Keeping a small dog's bowl filled is a chore -- it's almost impossible to pick it up, fill it, and return it to the floor without water spilling everywhere. Instead, just put a few ice cubes in it every few hours. This keeps the water filled, cold, and in the bowl. Bartender -- If a customer asks you for a stiff drink but doesn't want to pay the difference, place your finger over the hole on the back of the pour spout. By restricting the flow of air you are inhibiting the speed at which the liquor flows from the bottle, so you can make a big show of givng him a nice, long pour, all while serving him the same amount of alcohol. Office Worker -- Here's an easy way to label your soft drink when storing it in the company kitchen. Write your name on a thick rubber band and put it around your soda before putting it in the fridge; when you swap it out for a new one, just transfer the band. It's a lot less hassle than a Post-it note or writing your name directly on the can every morning. Short Order Chef -- Making toast? Start the toaster before you start looking for the bread, unwrapping it, and slicing it. That'll give the toaster a few seconds to warm up before you put the bread in, and your toast will be done that much sooner. 4. A recent headline today at ESPN.com is "Favre still hasn't decided whether to play next season." If your news story is reporting that there is no news, I'd say it's high time you start reevaluating your coverage guidelines. Because that may be the most useless "story" of all time. Furthermore, why is this whole will-he-or-won't-he-retire such a big deal anyway? Is there so little going on in sports that this pseudo-story qualifies as interesting material? Brett Favre is an undeniably crappy quarterback; his QB rating last year was one of the worst in the league, below, in fact, such Hall of Fame shoe-ins as Anthony Wright, Brooks Bollinger, Kyle Boller and -- wait for it -- Joey Harrington. Joey Harrington was better than Brett Favre last year! (You'll have to forgive my glee in reporting that; I'm a Vikings fan.) Not to mention, the 4-12 Packers made very few improvements and will be a non-factor next season whether he plays or not. In conclusion: Green Bay without Favre = shitty. Green Bay with Favre = shitty. This has been quite a lot of fun. The Cooler: April 1-7 > Nipple slips are so yesterday. Lindsay Lohan just set the new benchmark in ballsiest celebrity nudie glimpses with her appearance at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards sans undies. Unbelievable. Your move, Paris. > It's still better than your day job. Has anyone else seen the new BBC show Ed vs. Spencer? I caught it on On-Demand at the suggestion of a friend and was highly pleased. The premise: two friends compete against each other in bizarre, occasionally gruesome challenges like "who can get the sickest in a week?" and "who can make the best porn?" A breath of fresh air in the sometimes-stale reality show genre. > Finally, someone in my corner. Fun little piece on ESPN's Page 2 from guest writer Bomani Jones comparing Steve McNair and Brett Favre. I've long been criticized for claiming McNair to be the league's most underrated player and Favre as its most overrated, so it's nice to see a member of the media back me up. My favorite part: "Favre's defenders deflect most of the blame for his absurd interception total on his subpar supporting cast. But David Carr didn't throw 29 picks, and he's football's version of Job." > Today, another WoB article. Some aimless drivel entitled This Hat May Be The End Of Us. I hope you enjoy. (Bonus reading material: Dear Potbelly..., a piece I wrote six months ago but forgot to archive. It's now saved in Etc. for future reference.)
new article American Idol's recap of episode 10 is here.
the frantic output of a crackhead Three more pieces published today: miTunes: The Current, February and March; and Dear Francisco Liriano....
Working Two new WoB pieces for your enjoyment: B's 2006 MLB Preview and The New Magic 8-Ball. Hopefully these articles will cheer up those of you disappointed with the weekend's sports outcomes. Two NCAA blowouts and a three-hour Opening Day rain delay. Crap. Also, for those curious, my About section has been updated.
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Hey, what are you doing back here? You've somehow stumbled into the WoB archives. We really aren't supposed to allow readers in this section, so please promptly return to the new, re-designed, slightly less terrible World of B homepage. Thanks.
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Behold, a lengthy edition of The Cooler. Here’s hoping you enjoy it in all its absurd, time-wasting glory. Let the procrastination begin.film reviews | tunes reviews • essays | sports essays | sites vitals • articles | etc • misc • ideas