:: OPEN MIC 2006 ::
Your charming editor has all-a-sudden been swamped with work-, booze-, and female-related duties, so no articles today. Instead, I give you this: >> Not sure what you do to start out your work day, but you might want to consider checking out The Morning News. Some of the best free online content, if you ask me. Exhibit A: "But I Play One On TV," a piece about television hospital shows written by a doctor. When I grow up I want to be published on the The Morning News. >> PopCandy alerted me to this funny video of comedian Fred Armisen interviewing Wilco's Jeff Tweedy. I'll have you know they engage in a game of Mad Libs at one point. Most notable, however, is Tweedy's impressive pit stains. Tweedy: I feel your pain. I have the utmost empathy for your situation. Now will you please return my letters? >> You could click on the link to read this spot-on piece (which you've probably already read, now that I think about it; I'm always the last to know), or I could just do you a solid and re-print the damn thing: Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative: Dear Dr. Laura: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them: When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die? I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Your devoted fan,
I'm here to help pass the time: >> Sports Illustrated has posted a li'l article about Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau's living sitchyation (they're roommates) in its most recent issue. Instead of actually buying the magazine, I sugguest you check out the article online and save your money for the bar. Up to you though. >> The rumors are true: Esquire magazine has named Nordeast Minneapolis's Nye's Polonaise Room the best bar in America. I, B., shit you not. Considering I didn't even award it best bar in the neighborhood, you could say I was a bit taken aback. I love Nye's, but seriously ... best bar in the whole damn country? Then again, Esquire's median age is somewhere around 44, and I can understand the middle-aged folk thinking Nye's is the cat's pajamas. I'm fine with that. They do make a damn fine martini. (It's also possible I hold a slight grudge at the memory of nearly being escorted out of the bar after performing a drunken, tone-deaf, yet totally heartfelt rendition of "Forever In Blue Jeans" while a bar full of geriatrics stared at me in horror.) >> I was feeding my American Idol addiction the other day by scrolling through some pictures of the Minneapolis auditions, and I stumbled upon a shot of this gorgeous female contestant. I nearly fell out of my chair at the site of her. What a woman. Unfortunately, I learned later (after a few follow-up calls to the producers) that this lovely coed did not actually make it to the next round. Damn shame, that. That's a famous face just waiting to be discovered. >> I was sent a video link the other day of a ... well, I don't know exactly how to describe it. It was, like, a kid? Or a midget? And he was speaking Spanish, and his family was lying on a bed next to him, playing music while he danced, and, like, the kid was super awesome, but the video was kind of weird and grainy and it looked fake, or at least like the kid was actually maybe a midget adult, but either way it was sort of mesmerizing in its peculiarity, one of those things I had to watch a half-dozen times just out of curiosity. Have you seen this thing? You should really check it out sometime, just go to YouTube and type in --- aw, forget it, here you go:
I admit to being a bit confused that the story entitled “Man bites panda after panda bites man” was classified in Reuters’ “Oddly Enough” section. After all, what is a more appropriate reaction to being bitten by a panda? Doesn’t seem odd to me at all. Something bites me, I bite it back. I’m all about reciprocation. In a slightly related story, the article reminded me of the time my cousin Blaine was licked in the face by a family dog, to which he responded by turning around and promptly licking the dog right back. When the entire family guffawed at the grossness – namely his fur-caked tongue – Blaine, about six years old at the time, stared at us with bewilderment. As if to say, “hey, that dog licks me, it’s gonna get licked back. That’s just how I roll. What’s wrong with you people?” *** Remember that open letter Steely Dan wrote to Luke Wilson a while back about the My Cousin Dupree fiasco? Funny, right? Well, “rock” band New Found Glory has written a similarly-themed letter to musician/ashamed father Lionel Ritchie, and the result is quite possibly the dullest attempt at sarcasm ever put to paper. I am actually embarrassed for them. Members of Limp Bizkit, Goo Goo Dolls and Creed can now rest easy, for New Found Glory has unseated you all as the lamest rock band on the planet. *** The City Pages has honored the most memorable Twins season in decades (history?) with a few articles in the new issue. If you don’t feel like reading the cover story, be sure to take a stroll through short-term memory lane with Chuck Terhark’s “Ten Days That Shook the Dome" article. I have a writerly man-crush on Terhark, by the way. Don’t tell anyone. *** Beck has posted a new video from him upcoming album. There are only a few artists in the world that I make sure to buy everything they put out, reviews be damned, and Beck is one of them. And yet, and yet … did I mention he’s a Scientologist? And that that fact bothers me an inordinate amount, so much so that it unfairly makes me appreciate his music just a smidgen less, and that I feel terrible because I know his creepy fanatical beliefs have nothing to do with the music, that I know I shouldn’t care, it’s wrong to care, but goddammit I just can’t not care? Have I mentioned that before? Oh, I have. Well never mind then, no need to mention it again now. *** A few links of interest sent in by readers: >> Reader Jacqui M would like you to check out two links: one cartoon slideshow making fun of bloggers, and one suggested new fashion piece: the business bib! The bib takes the mullet’s “business in front, party in back” concept and applies it to business dress. Business up top, party down below … home office salesmen, whip out them checkbooks. >> Eric S. passed along an oldie-but-goody: the Worst Album Covers Ever. >> Andy A. (the official step-father of B) has made it clear he expects each and every female reader on this site to read this article on how to be a better wife. Learn it. Know it. Live it. *** A tragic reminder and quirky lesson all in one blog post: the story of Tom Knox’s brother, who was recently killed in Iraq. It’s easy to forget that American citizens are actually dying in a war that no one believes in, for reasons few actually understand and support, so a sobering reminder is important, if uncomfortable. Incidentally, the mountain of support given to Tom in the comments section below by a bunch of people who he’ll likely never meet in person says … well, I don’t know. But it says something, and I’m happy to be a member of the Deadspin “family,” and I know Tom is as well.
Today's time-wasters: >> If you're too cheap to actually go out and purchase season two of NBC'S The Office, you can view the disc's deleted scenes here and here. I watched every last second of both clips, and came away with the same impression I get watching every type of outtakes footage: someone will forget a line or say the wrong name or make some similar inane mistake, and the entire room will burst out laughing like it's funniest damn thing they've ever heard ... meanwhile I'm confused, admitting the slip-up was kind of funny, but in the back of my mind wondering if maybe I missed something, unable to shake that "guess you had to be there" feeling. So underwhelming. But yeah. Bloopers. Ha. >> Female readers of the WoB: if you keep up with latest in fashion news, you already know what trend is on its way back: fupas! That's right, fupas, and not a moment too soon. If you don't already have one, better start working on that ASAP. There's gotta be a fish fry or OCB near you. American fashion '06: strap on the feedbag ... get to looking chic. >> From the "I don't give a shit but you might" department comes the video of Jessica Simpson getting caught lip-synching on The View. It's funny: even her embarrassing, career-limiting mistakes are boring. >> Once in a while a story comes along that is so fantastically random, so hilariously unique, that trying to make a joke about it just seems desperate and unnecessary. So, I shall simply provide the headline: Deer Crashes Through Window Into Wisconsin Apartment. Yep.
New WoB article today: A recap of the Vikings-Redskins game. Also, I usually don't point out the crappy writing of others -- god knows I'm no pro -- but Jim Souhan's column about the game is an absolute must-read in terms of awfulness. A few priceless one-liners from the article: "Childress certainly picked the right game to bench a starting safety. Dwight Smith missing the game didn't hurt the Vikings because Brunell can't throw as far as the safeties, anyway. His average pass was shorter than Cruise." "Jermaine Wiggins will lead the team in receiving again this year. This guy could catch pneumonia in Cancun." "Steve Hutchinson buried a safety on Chester Taylor's touchdown run on the opening drive. You do not want to take this man's parking space." Listen, I know many of my jokes fall flat, but if I ever, ever produce anything rivalling this crap, please do the right thing and let me know. I'll quit, right then and there. Call it a promise, call it a threat; but just know that if I'm ever compared to this laughingstock, I'll do everyone a favor and hang it up for good.
Your eyes are wide. Your heart is racing. You're bouncing in your chair. You can't stop smiling. The birds are singing, just for you. Your spirit has been rejuvenated, sparked, set ablaze. Life makes sense again. And it's all because I'm back, baby. I am so back. Or maybe you're just bored at work and looking for something to read.
>> 89.3 The Current has started a blog, which is written by The Rake magazine co-founder Hans Eisenbeis. I know Eisenbeis as the guy who gave me props for my Iffy story before turning it down for his mag due to "timing issues." I'm pretty sure he meant to say "quality issues," but God bless him for lying to me. Anyhowsers, local music fans will probably dig the new blog. >> Public Service Announcement: one of B's most favorite bands The 88 is playing at Minneapolis's 400 Bar this Tuesday. I know not one soul who's listened to the band and not enjoyed them. Just saying. >> Fellow car maintenance retards: you ever get the feeling that those quick-service oil change joints are ripping you off, only you're so ignorant when it comes to cars you can't really find out for certain? They say they checked your tire pressure, installed a new air filter, hooked you up with a much-needed new johnson rod, etcetera, but you can't help but think they may be yanking your chain. It's a helpless feeling, I know, and all too common. But here's the thing: they really are ripping you off. Sorry I had to be the one to tell you. >> Reader Beth R. passed along a clever list that came from the Washington Post Style Invitational (don't worry, I ain't never heard of it either): The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners: 1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. I was totally going to sit down and try to think of a few of my own, but then I remembered how uncreative I am. So I just watched some TV instead. Which was nice. >> I know everyone in the entire state has seen the hilarious footage of Bert Blyleven's on-air f-bombs (which earned him a five-game suspension), but it wouldn't hurt to go back and watch it again. It doesn't get old, believe me, not even after a dozen viewings. >> And, for the best news yet: Radar is back! (I believe this marks the first time I've actually used an exclamation point in earnest. Elaine Benes would be so proud.) I'll keep the gushing to a minimum here, but Radar was my favorite magazine before it stopped production in late '05. I'm not sure about the status of the print version, but the website is up and running, and is now on the short list of sites I make sure to visit each and every day. My life sucks a little less now.
Pressing commitments have forced me to take the week off, but I had to devote a few minutes to mention the sad/totally expected death of Steve Irwin. He's better known as the Crocodile Hunter, or, in some circles, "that 'Crikey' guy who once waved his baby in front of a crocodile." Tragedy aside, Irwin's death is probably going to go down as the most ironic celebrity death in memory. We all figured he'd one day pull a Timothy Treadwell and get killed by the very animal he loved. Instead, Irwin's murderer was a virtually harmless stingray in "what is said to be the third recorded fatal stingray attack in Australia." Point is, they're probably about the least scary of all "venomous" fish. And one of 'em took out a crazy Australian bastard fond of wrestling live crocodiles. So my watercooler conversation starter of the week is: what other potential celebrity deaths could match this in terms of irony? I'll get the party started with a few off the top of my head. - Michael Phelps drowns in bathtub - Rosie O'Donnell murdered by admirer - Jon Favreau dies of starvation - Courtney Love ODs on one-a-day multivitamins - Charlton Heston accidentally shot in the face by rifle - Steve-O, of old age I'm sure you can come up with something better. Discuss amongst yourselves.
The WoB will be taking a short respite until Monday, September 11.
...I have provided six links to stories that are actually interesting, as opposed to the useless drivel I'd produce if I tried. No need, these'll waste your time just fine: ~~ the defective yeti has yet another hilarious post, this one about casual-speaking ATMs. I don't know what he's talking about either, but the graphics made me giggle. Hee. ~~ "Bedtime Stories by Thom Yorke" is worth a looksie. I'd pay good money to hear the words "I want to die, eat your ice cream" set to music. ~~ Beck's viewpoint as to where the music industry is headed, in a Wired article entitled "The Infinite Album," is indeed intriguing. Not quite interesting enough to make me forget he's a Scientologist, however. Still not over that one. ~~ Attention fans of the NFL (aka "every male in this god-forsaken country"): AOL's new football blog The Fanhouse is worth a bookmark and daily visit. Dig in, my fellow pigskin freaks. ~~ Apropos of nothing, an old classic 'net piece that I ran across on some website recently: Hugh Gallagher's 'College Essay. Read it again, for the first time. ~~ Finally, for those who just can't enough of B's writing -- I know, I know, such a faction doesn't exist; just wanted to see what that looked like typed out -- I've joined a fantasy football league with a few internet friends (please stifle your laughter until I'm done) and we're going to group-blog the experience. The other fellas are pretty damn good writers, and though I don't have a blogger profile yet, I plan to in the next few days. So, to recap: yes, I have friends I've met through the internet, and we are playing fantasy football together. The contest to see who can send me the first e-mail to make fun of my obvious geekiness starts .... now. Fire away.
>> Some Australian blog has posted two David Brent training videos. Those who still miss the UK version of "The Office" will weep with joy watching these funny clips. I mean, I didn't, but other people might. What? Why are you rolling your eyes? I didn't, okay? Oh, just leave me alone. >> The Onion has just been killing recently. Check it:
>> Local music note: The 88, one of B's absolute favorite bands, will be playing at the 400 Bar on Tuesday, September 12. Did you ever get the feeling that B is probably a complete tool in public, but as of yet have no actual verification? Well, just show up to the 400 that night, you'll see all the proof you'll ever need. Promise.
>> Fans of the Minnesota Vikings better get used to a neverending string of third-and-shorts, because not only is soft-tossing Brad Johnson taking the snaps, but top receiver Koren Robinson will likely miss the entire season. Why, you ask? Well, because he was recently arrested for a DUI, and due to his previous sauce-induced suspentions, is due for a yearlong time-out. Conclusion: the Vikes have just turned into the NFC's Baltimore Ravens. I can't shake the feeling that if I would've offered Robinson the same deal I extended to Francisco Liriano earlier this season, this whole messy situation could've been avoided. I blame myself. >> This headline made me chuckle: Richard Hatch copes with life in prison. I imagine it must be an easier adjustment for him than most men; after all, what us heteros would define as "prison rape," Hatch would merely file under "routine Friday night." >> It must be a proud day for all you West Virginia racists, for your state was found to be the only one that doesn't have a growing minority population. Upon hearing the news, recently-divorced Clayton Bigsby immediately began making plans for a relocation. >> So Deadspin has been running NFL Season Previews the last couple weeks, with each team profiled by a guest writer (the best being Peter Shrager's piece on the Giants). The author of today's Cleveland Browns post? James Frey. Yes, that James Frey: the Alcoholic and Addict and Liar and Fraud and Complete Douchebag. The result, as you'll see, is so awful I'm still not convinced it was actually penned by Frey. But as bad as Frey's writing is, the comments afterwards are conversely amazing. I bet Frey would be completely mortified at the commenter bitch-slapping he received... that is, if he were capable of experiencing such feelings. He's probably embarrassed like this on a daily basis, and at this point is immune to any further hurt feelings. Anyway, it's a classic, classic read.
Today's assignment will consist of reading the following articles:
--> My interview with super-talented musician Andra Suchy for Rift Magazine, a local music publication. (Andra's debut will be available next week at her exquisitely designed website). --> An excellent piece in the LA Times about Girls Gone Wild founder -- and deplorable a-hole, as you'll soon read -- Joe Francis. The story is hella long, but well worth the time. --> Writer Daniel Radosh has some amusing thoughts on the new airport security regulations.
Is it possible to contract an STD through airwaves? Because …well … I’m really kinda digging the new Paris Hilton song. True story. I realize “Stars Are Blind” is basically just a rip-off of Gwen Stephani’s light reggae/pop vibe, and I’m sure the vocals have taken a necessary spin through the Britney Spears Voice Enhancement® device, but I really don’t care. I like the song. I’m listening to it right now. I might put it on my next mix CD. Laugh if you must.
Some mid-week reading: }} Two recent one-liners from the Best Week Ever blog:
}} Blender magazine has compiled a short list of the Worst Onstage Meltdowns. I'd like to be able to offer a story from one of my many concert-going experiences, but sadly, I've never seen anything close to a meltdown. Thankfully, the readers in the comments section of a Pop Candy post have more than made up for my shortcoming. One artist that shows up numerous times is -- wait for it -- Ryan Adams. Huh. You don't say. }} For those of you looking for news of Maurice Clarett's most recent arrest, followed by over 200 of the wittiest quips, one-liners, movie references and shameless snarkiness need to look no further than Deadspin. Fine work all around, commenters. Classic, really. }} Those interested in snarkiness should be sure to catch the upcoming Comedy Central Roast of William Shatner. August 20, 10/9c. If nothing else, it's a chance to see Jeffrey Ross make some of the most inappropriate jokes ever on the one day a year he's allowed to appear in public. After the show he'll be re-wrapped in dry ice and stored away for next year's roast. Suggested watercooler convo of the day: Who would you like to see as the subject of the next roast? My vote goes to David Hasselhoff, though I don't exactly know why.
The July edition of miTunes: The Current has been released. Repeated phone calls have been placed to notify the musicians appearing on the playlist, none of which have been returned. Hm. Must still be out celebrating. You know musicians (eyes rolling, sheepish smile, trying to save face). Right? Am I right or what? They'll call. Definitely. They're just busy and all. I know they're honored. They have to be.
}} NBC has released and YouTube’d extended previews of their two sketch-comedy-based shows slated to premiere in the fall. For some reason I’m not allowed to embed the videos right onto this site, so you’ll have to venture all the way over to YouTube to view the clips. Well worth the trip though; both shows look promising. I’ll be watching. Anyway, have a looksie: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (created by Aaron Sorkin) 30 Rock (created by Tina Fey) }} Best post from Junkiness this week: Jordan Bratman’s Luck Keeps Confounding Scientists. The mental image of Hawking actually making that quote nearly made soda shoot out of my nose. Which would have been no fun. }} In conjunction with the release of Talladega Nights (which is actually garnering decent reviews), Cracked.com has compiled a list of the 10 Best Will Ferrell Skits of All Time. All the classic sketches are there to be re-viewed, including the underrated video short “The H. is O.” }} To set the scene: a 54-year-old man … a relaxing afternoon in the backyard … a horseshoe stake … an accidental backwards fall … horrifying, gut-wrenching result. I’ll let Deadspin give the specifics. Read at your own risk. I am actually sorry for even bringing this up. }} My favorite part of Bill Simmons’s most recent Mailbag (which was excellent, by the way) was his recap of a hilarious scene from the so-awful-I-can’t-stop-watching “reality” series The Hills: With all the hullabaloo about the 25th anniversary of MTV, I'm demanding that LC's birthday date is included in any "Greatest MTV Moments" feature from now on. Here's a rough transcript: (We see Lauren and her degenerate, unemployed, filthy-rich boyfriend, Jason, having a fancy dinner in an L.A. hotel room that he purchased for the night.) -- Jason (touching his nose frantically): "So what do you want to do tonight?" -- Lauren: "I just want to be with you." -- Jason (confused, touches his nose 20 more times): "So you just want to stay here?" -- Lauren: "Yeah, let's get a movie or something." -- Jason (now pawing at his nose like a bear killing a camper): "So, you don't want to go out?" -- Lauren: "Why, do you?" -- Jason (slowly realizing that he's about to spend the night with someone who has no discernable personality): "I dunno ... only if you want to ... you know, we could go out." -- Lauren: "Well, I'd rather stay here and get a movie." -- Jason (checking to see if blood is pouring from his nose): "Okay, that's cool ... so you don't want to go out?" -- Lauren (upset now): "Jason, I just told you, I don't want to go out!" -- Jason (while debating if he should empty the salt shaker and snort whatever comes out): "All right, all right. So what do you want to do?" (I'm telling you, this was the new "Who's on First?", only if Abbott and Costello had just shared an eight-ball. Phenomenal TV. Let's move on.) Man, am I happy someone else noticed the random hilarity of that scene. I actually rewound and re-watched it a few times out of sheer delight. Truly a classic moment in reality television (if only because it was so unspeakably stupid), right up there with: - David hastily ripping off Tami’s towel in the Real World Los Angeles - Crazy Sue’s impeccably executed (but probably written by the producers) speech in the final scene of the first Survivor - That badass/nerd on Who Wants To Be a Millionaire using his phone call lifeline during the million-dollar question to call his dad just to report that he knew the answer and didn’t need any help - David singing “Come on be my baby tonight” in the Real World New Orleans - Clay Aiken performing with his flaming gay stalker during last season’s American Idol finale Those are just a few that came to me in the last few minutes. I’m sure I’m missing a few stellar reality moments … but that scene in The Hills? Downright exceptional. Don’t know if it can be topped.
Two great articles: Midnight Questions and the Evil That Men Do from the must-read FKS blog. Moguls of New Media from the Wall Street Journal. (I can't believe I wasn't mentioned in this piece, by the way. I'd totally pegged myself as a new media mogul. I guess Bananarama was right -- this is a cruel summer.)
I'm on my way to Chi-town for a quickie biz trip, but here are a few stories to help get your mind off the shocking news about Lance Bass' sexuality (hint: he's not invited to Pat Robertson's house anytime soon): >> Steve Carell's new film Little Miss Sunshine looks to be worth a trip to the cinema. The AV Club digs it, and the Rotten Tomatoes score is fresh indeed. I need to see this flick. Anyone looking for a date? Bueller? Bueller? >> My favorite recent Junkiness post involves a foot fetishist and his impressive persistance. Read on. >> So, okay: apparently the premise behind the film You, Me and Dupree (which apparently sucks) is a blatant rip-off of a Steely Dan song "Cousin Dupree." How do I know this? Because Steely Dan actually wrote a letter to star Owen Wilson's brother Luke about the whole sitchyation and published it on their website. Effing hilarious (who knew those guys were so funny?); best read of the week. You are welcome.
This is one of the most insane photos I have ever seen. See that thing in the upper left hand corner? That is a human being, mid-barrel roll, soaring through the air at a height of about 30 feet, and a speed I'd estimate at 25 miles per hour. I can't even begin to fathom what would be going through this dude's mind during his flight, and I don't even want to think about what the landing felt like. The Star Tribune story from which I lifted this image recaps the dangers stemming from having a go at the kite tube (pictured). Riders have ruptured aortas, broken necks...there've even been a few deaths. The story has promptly scared the bejeezus out of everyone who even considered climbing aboard. The locals now consider the danger potential of riding a kite tube as somewhere between skydiving and mainlining heroin. There's even been a nationwide recall. I expect the tubes to be outlawed very soon. So long, kite tubes, we hardly knew ye. I'll tell you a secret: my family owns a kite tube, and we aren't going to stop riding it. It's just too much fun. You have to believe me. Soaring through the air, trying to balance out the tube and sustain the ride...indescribable. Sure, they can be dangerous if misused, but so can snowmobiles, four-wheelers, jet skis, boats, you name it. The dude pictured at the left...well, he wasn't just innocently perched atop the tube whistling dixie when the thing launched him halfway to shore. I can guarantee you the man was riding balls out, aggressively yanking on the tube's reins to maximize his air. Not saying he deserved it, I'm just saying the people who've been pitched off the tube were living dangerously to begin with. I'll never get the tube even half that high. I'm a wuss. You know that. Everyone does. But just this once, consider me a rebel without a clue. I am not going to stop riding that damn kite tube. (You can file this under: famous last words.)
Go 'head, act like you don't enjoy a good Silk reference from time to time. We both know you loved that song. I can see right through you. A few links to get you through Tuesday: >> Gnarls Barkleys' video for second single "Smiley Faces" is downright superb. These fellas are just brimming with originality. And, did you know they're playing at First Ave next Wednesday? There are still a few tickets remaining. Be there or be length x width. >> The Best Week Ever blog has a spot-on video spoof of those awful Apple ads. You know the ones: the PC guy is a straight-laced fella who seems to possess limited capabilities but is generally a decent guy, and the Apple guy is a smarmy, sarcastic, elitist know-it-all yuppie who's just begging to be punched in the face. I suppose the message is, if you get beaten daily for being a smug asshole, then Apple is the computer for you. Hey, at least they know their customer. >> Your round-up of Pat Neshek info: he's still regularly updating his blog, he was featured in a recent Pioneer Press article, and Bat Girl conducted a Lego re-enactment of his crazy delivery (seriously). And, just to save us both the trouble, I'll proactively answer the four questions I get every day: 1. Yes, I grew up with Neshek.
I'm no huge fan of juggling, but these two videos are impressive nonetheless: Vova and Olga perform their club-passing act. These two Russian teenagers have been deemed the best there ever was by Penn Gillette. I don't know if he's an authority on the subject, but I do know he's a juggler, and is therefore more in tune to the top juggling prospects than me, so I'm going to take his word on this one. Man, these kids are amazing. Chris Bliss peforming his famous juggling act to The Beatles' Abbey Road. I saw this in person once, at Acme Comedy Club*, and was promptly blown away. (* Question: Why is it that everyone claims to love comedy clubs, yet no one ever goes? Discuss amongst yourselves.)
>> My favorite current celebrity feud (besides Nicole Ritchie vs. death from anorexia, which, I might add, she appears to be losing) is the recently-brewed rift between director Kevin Smith and reviewer Joel Siegel. The Superficial has the full story, but I will say this: Kevin Smith is the shiz. (Bonus time-waster: the video link at the bottom of the post that shows Smith telling a story about his work on Superman is fantastic. It's nearly 20 minutes long, and I watched every second. That's a new personal record.) >> This week's winner for Best Comments Following a Deadspin Post goes to ... Come On Down And Boo Our Guests! >> Man, look at the concentration from Punto. Gotta hand it to him, the man takes his ass slap offerings pretty seriously.
>> The latest WoB miTunes has been published: The Current, June '06. Fyi, Vegas has set the over/under on "people who give a crap" at 6. Seems like a generous estimate to me.
>> One site I've been visiting daily is the newly-launched Overheard in Minneapolis. It's a collection of ridiculous quotes and conversations overheard around Minneapolis, inspired by Overheard in New York. Definitely worth a looksie. A few of my favorite entries: Overheard at the Bulldog Bar... Drunk Woman: The race of women has been held down too long! Overheard at the Pediatric Ophthalmologist clinic Kid: I can't believe I'm blind. Overheard in a skyway City Employee to other City Employee: Well, it doesn't help that she chases ho-ho's on her treadmill (laughs) And snorts coke on city time. >> Blog of the week: The Assimilated Negro. Probably the best name of a site I've ever heard. >> I'd like to think everyone who reads this site is also a regular visitor of Deadspin.com, but just in case I'm incorrect (it was bound to happen at one point), I'll recap the story that I consider to be one of the funniest -- and saddest, depending on your sympathy level -- stories the internet has ever seen. The story of Mike Cooper. I linked to the original Deadspin post, accurately titled "The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day," that showed a video clip of investigative journalist (read: shameless douchebag) Carl Monday catching Mike Cooper, um, pleasuring himself in the public library. The clip is funnier than anything SNL has done in years, and even better, it's an actual story that actually ran on the local WKYC Cleveland newscast. (The clip can also be viewed on the channel's website.) The story was a 'net phenomenon (the comments under the above-linked Deadspin story are pretty much the funniest thing you'll ever read), but unfortunately resulted in Mike Cooper, the poor public library knuckle-shuffler, getting arrested. He was in court Friday afternoon, and, of course, Carl Monday was there after the sentencing, microphone in hand and cameraman in tow, to shame ol' Coop once again. The resulting video is just as ridiculous, if not more, than the original story, but may make you want to pack up your car and road-trip it to Cleveland to bitch slap Monday. He really has to be the world's biggest prick at this point. It takes a lot to feel sympathy for a chicken-choking dude with a mustache, but that's the sort of feelings Carl Monday provokes. (More tomorrow on the WoB.)
Lotsa shiz goin' down in the world, so we'll be keeping the commentary short n' sweet.
}} The incomparable John Moe has another of his hilarious Pop-Song Correspondences up on McSweeney's: Notes on "Sweet Child O' Mine," As Delivered by His Editor to Axl Rose. My favorite part: "Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place where as a child I'd hide—Delete. Fix. Do something. You'd hide in a place that reminded you of hair? Never show me such phrases again." Read it, then read the rest in the Pop-Song series. }} One of my favorite bloggers Paul Katcher recently had a piece featured on ESPN's Page 2: Your Jersey Is Talking. }} The headline says it all: Eva Longoria Really Really Needs Her Makeup. Sweet Jesus, I don't know if I'll ever be able to look at her the same again. Or, um, even look at her at all. I mean, yeah, it's probably not cool to judge celebrities for not bringing their "A" game in public all the time, but...seriously. Whoa. }} Even considering that gawd-awful pic, I'll still take Eva any day over Ashley Judd, who, considering this article, has now taken the top spot as the Lamest Celebrity Ever. Some juicy nuggets from America's Favorite
I'm still suspicious this is really an article submitted by The Onion that was overlooked by the editors. I'm fully speechless. }} An IRL driver named Ed Carpenter warned fellow racers that Danica Patrick is particularly nasty "if you catch her at the right time of the month." Or, as the rest of the men in America refer to it, the wrong time of the month. Either way, the man's a douche. }} The Office has a few webisodes up on their site. Might wanna check 'em out. I did, and I'm happy with my decision. With the death of Arrested Development, The Office is probably my fave show on network television. Just so you know.
> Kenneth Lay dies of a heart attack. Americans express disbelief upon hearing the news, unable to come to grips with the fact that Lay actually had a heart. > Part 1 of this week's "Hey, I know that guy!" feature: Twins rookie Boof Bonser has been sent down to the minors after another disappointing start, paving the way for my childhood pal Pat Neshek to finally get his shot in the bigs. Nesh has been abusing the minor league hitters all season long, and though no official call-up has been made, all signs are pointing to the Minnesota native (and Sim City extraordinaire, fyi) to get the call to The Show. (Feel free to check out my interview with Neshek). > Part 2 of this week's "Hey, I know that guy!": my good friend (okay, casual acquaintance) Mark Parrish has been signed by the Minnesota Wild. All-around great guy, happy for him. > Those looking for some chuckles may enjoy The Onion's New Starbucks Opens in Restroom of Existing Starbucks. Y'all can also read this other piece in The Onion (I won't type the headline; my grandparents still read this site). > Those looking for some serious content can read Stephen Elliott's superb commentary about the recent WMDs found in Iraq. A little of the funny, a little of the grim: we try to appease everyone here at the World of B. Except Republicans, of course. And women. More tomorrow. |
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