:: OPEN MIC ARCHIVE ::
June 29. On the web This website dedicated to the Downing Street Memo should be viewed by all Americans. Thanks to reader Joe R. for the heads up.
June 23. Random notes 1. B's Bar Crawl, a famous annual event, will be occurring this Saturday in Nordeast Minneapolis. Those interested in attending, or are curious about the schedule, should contact B. Last year's event was a riot. 2. The San Antonio Spurs won the 2005 NBA Championship last night with an 81-74 victory over the Detroit Pistons. In a more interesting story, traffic was slightly better than usual on the way home from work today!
June 22. New WoB article B's review of the new White Stripes album Get Behind Me Satan. Initial ranking of favorite songs from the CD: 1. "My Doorbell", 2. "The Denial Twist", 3. "Blue Orchid", 4. "Take, Take, Take", 5. "Forever For Her (Is Over For Me)".
June 21. On the web A very interesting response to Neal Pollack's NY Times Book Review column on McSweeneys today. Only a few more days to view this eBay auction. Read the story behind it all. Conclusive evidence that Mark Cuban is an absolute prick. Review of the new White Stripes album from B in the next few days. In the meantime, feel free to read B's choice for Best Music Review ever. This is one of the many articles I read that make me wonder why I even bother.
June 17. Write you a letter tomorrow... B's paycheck gig has required a short jaunt to the Motor City. Dig on this in the meantime, a fave from B's cherished Ideas page: OCTOBER 2004. Wrist PDA’s: a new life waiting for us However, there is a solution: wrist PDA’s. This idea is soon going to change our lives forever. Someday, everything will be run through our wrist PDA’s, with the help of fingerprint identification machines. These wrist PDA’s will be roughly the size of a large-faced watch. Imagine the face of your cell phone firmly planted to the inside of your wrist, in bright colors. They won’t be heavy or clunky, and there will even be interchangeable colors so we can match our PDA to our attire (rest easy, metrosexuals). These wrist PDAs will soon become our most important possession. They’ll be capable of dozens of currently time-consuming tasks. Imagine checking out of a retail store. You swipe your products, and then simply run your overturned wrist through the scanner. The scanner reads your PDA and immediately recognizes your name and displays all your check and credit cards. You choose the one you want to use, place your fingerprint on the machine to confirm identification, and you’re out the door. This will take mere seconds. When someone will call you, your wrist PDA will vibrate (or ring, or light up, or whatever you set it to). You’ll check your caller ID, then remove a tiny earpiece attached to it, which will fit comfortably into your ear. Your hands will be free and the sound quality will be crystal clear. We can even implement a glowing PDA to signify that a person is on the phone. That way we can clear up the confusion that occurs when you see someone seemingly talking to themselves (or you), only to find out they’re engaging in a hands-free conversation. Now think of heading to a coffee shop. After you get your pure-fat latte, you saunter over to the row of computer screens. There is a scanner there, too, and you’ll run your PDA under it to identify yourself. After confirming your identification with the necessary fingerprint machine, it immediately pulls up your entire personal hard drive. Type away, shop online, do whatever you have to do, and save by simply running your PDA through the swipe again. Computer screens can be available everywhere, including libraries, hotels, backseats of cabs, fast food joints, the DMV, etc. How about a long flight? Simple. Every seat will be equipped with a blank screen and a PDA scanner. You can log in and do whatever you want. Write, read on the internet, play games, watch a downloaded movie, pay bills and get work done. You won’t be bored anywhere, ever again. There will also be a plug-in for headphones. Our wrist PDA will have the capability of containing every album we have ever owned and every song we have ever downloaded. We’ll also be able to plug our PDA in to any stereo, meaning you can bring every song with you, and play it everywhere; at parties, at work, in the car, etc. All your personal information will be instantly and continually backed up to a central (government funded?) hard drive, eliminating any worries should you lose your PDA. The worry about fraud will be eliminated with the requirement of fingerprints. Simply get a new PDA (the hardware will soon be very affordable), run your fingerprint and whalla, all your information is back. Fingerprint machines will soon be on everything from soda machines to appliance stores, from golf courses to movie theaters. With this innovation, life will be infinitely better. Everything will be streamlined and minimal time will be wasted. We can work more (more time can be spent researching cures for diseases), spend more time with our families; whatever we feel like doing. Forget your laptop, your cell, your planner, your car stereo, your wallet, your iPod, grocery lists, briefcases, coin purses, notepads, etc. This will make everything easier. Plan on it.
June 16. Decent reading These'll get you through your midday doldrums: Radar Online interview with Morgan Spurlock The HIStory of Michael Jackson's face Rita Interviews Stephen Elliott
June 14. New WoB article Review of Common's new album Be
June 11. We love Fitted Sweats From Jeff Johnson's Fitted Sweats blog: By using 1 (one) of the words or phrases in capital letters each time you encounter a series of them below.
June 9. Savvy programming MTV's Movie Awards, airing tomorrow night, will be honoring the best films from 2004, almost six months since the year ended. I am a big fan of irrelevant, dated programming, so you know I'll be watching. In related MTV news, I recently watched a preview episode of Real World XVI: Austin. I will say this: I haven't been this horrified -- or excited, in a sick way -- about a television show in my life. This installment, premiering June 21, promises to be a train wreck of historical proportions.
June 8. Unable to come to terms with my jealousy Minnesotans drafted in the first 18 rounds of the MLB amateur draft: Round 5: Kevin Dixon (MSU-Mankato), Cleveland
June 6. Happy reading Bob Woodward's Washington Post article about Deep Throat Sense of Life (adult themes) Ike Turner's Guide to Restoring America's Honor
June 5. Help out the WoB B is hoping to write a new Reader Mail column soon. In order to do this he needs your help. Please submit your complaints, questions and observations for use in the upcoming column. The World thanks you in advance.
May 31. Sports geekery From a recent Cool News article: Nba's Creek. So far, the National Basketball Association has managed to lose 33 percent of its playoff television ratings since last year and 33 percent of its licensed apparel sales this year, reports Sam Walker in The Wall Street Journal. The NBA, nba.com, actually "has lost about half of its network television audience in seven years," according to Neilsen Media Research. These statistics matter not only because they illustrate the magnitude of the NBA's challenges, but also because they point the way to its solution. In a word: Statistics. What drives interest in sports these days is not just "the sublime athleticism and charisma of if its stars." What drives fans today, Sam Walker suggests, are the "secret metrics."
May 25. Do you want to make B happy?
Say you find yourself in the middle of an intense NBA playoff game. Your team has fought a hard battle and finds themselves up by four with only a few ticks left on the game clock. You have won this game. All you have to do is stand on the court and not foul the opposing team, and you are assured a victory. However, let's say you're aware that your Minneapolis friend B has money on your team winning by five points, one more than the current margin. You know B is on his knees in front of the telly, praying for a miracle. Do you play conservative in an attempt to guarantee victory, even though it may crush your friend? Not if you're Dwyane Wade. At the end of Wednesday's game against the Pistons, Wade miraculously stole a pass, sprinted the length of the floor and threw down a dunk with one second on the clock to push the winning margin to six points, thus covering the spread. D, we are best friends until further notice. Call me.
May 25. New WoB article For the magazine I write for: The Curb Kicking Heard 'Round the World
May 24. What to read Just in case you're dumb enough to visit this website before Neal Pollack's, be sure to read this article (mentioned on Pollack's blog) from WSJ about Paul Shirley's NBA online journal. Oh, and if you've got an hour to kill? Read every word of said journal. Well worth it. And, check out Pollack's article (text version, no password needed) on Slate about his love for the Suns. Do I sound like a bandwagon-jumper? I can't help but love Amare Stoudemire. I've never seen a basketball player make the game look so easy. He's the NBA version of Vlad Guerrero. Unrelated note: if you weren't planning on buying Common's new album, consider this review.
May 20. Desperate for new blood Look out Sid Hartman! Patrick Reusse's newest column suggests that Hartman has competition as the Star Tribune's biggest laughingstock. Have the Strib copy editors gone on strike?
May 17. New WoB article A short review of the Olympic Hopefuls concert @ The Fine Line. More soon.
May 15. Wishing I was one of those people who needed only four hours of sleep per night While B is frantically completing two articles for this site, and one for Industry Magazine, please indulge in his article Meet the 2004 Minnetonka Millers. Today, May 15, marked the first game of the season for the amateur baseball team. The squad is mostly intact, so the article remains relevant. Enjoy.
May 10. The archive dig B's reviews of films coming to DVD this week:
May 8. Labor, fruits of B is proud to announce the official launch of musician friend Andra Suchy's website, www.andrasuchy.com, which he was lucky enough to design.
May 5. B unsure whether he should feel pleased or slighted B recently engaged in some stellar e-banter with author Neal Pollack. While Pollack’s assertions are the only portions that can honestly be described as “stellar,” B has feverishly but incorrectly credited himself with laying the groundwork. As seen on Pollack’s site: Brandon, a reader, writes: Hello Neal, I recently watched your Suns complete their weeklong bitch-slap of the Memphis Grizzlies and was left rather impressed with their performance. (Though I’m still not convinced their defense is championship-worthy. They did give up an average of 103 points per game to the Grizz, no?) I have been enjoying your playoff commentary, but am curious why you haven’t yet tackled the “Steve Nash for MVP” argument. While he’s been chosen by a number of NBA experts as the rightful recipient of the honor (pointing to the Suns’ astounding +33 win differential from last year), there are others that don’t even see him as a top five candidate (pointing to his shoddy defense and his former team’s +6 win differential). That nerdy sports columnist you referenced last week makes a compelling argument that not only is Steve Nash undeserving of the league MVP, he’s not even the MVP of his own team. Your thoughts? Let me address your questions one at a time. Giving up 103 points a game, to the "Grizz" or to anyone else, doesn't matter when you're scoring 111 points a game. Defense is relative. For the Suns, defense just means making sure the other team scores fewer points than you. They don't have to play Gregg Popovich-style ball where you need to call a timeout after every basket to make offensive/defensive substitutions. Their strategy is simple: No timeouts, no fouling, just run and shoot, and, on defense, clog the passing lanes and always be ready to back up the guy who's facing down an inside threat. This may be an alien philosophy to people who grew up with the triangle offense on the brain, but it works and there need be no apologies made. By contrast, look at how the Spurs play ball. Dump it to Duncan on the left side, either in the post or 14 feet away. Stand around while he banks it off the glass. Once in a while, swing the ball around to Horry or Bowen so they can make a dagger three. Watch Tony Parker glower like MC Solaar. Oooh, Tony. Je t'aime! Je t'aime! Admittedly, Manu Ginobili is a lunatic who turns the game inside out every time he touches the ball. That's why I respect and fear the Spurs. Because they are an old-school team with a new-school player. But come on. You know the Spurs are the dark side. As for the MVP debate, I don't give a knee-high sock who's the MVP. That's like caring about who wins the Best Actress Oscar. Or any Oscar, period. I like it when players from my favorite teams are recognized, but I also dismiss award debates as soap-opera fodder for men. It's pointless gossip that only serves the sports media, which doesn't actually know anything about sports anymore. Let Woody Paige blather about this on Cold Pizza, which is mostly over before I wake up in the morning. I'll stay up late and actually watch the games. The NBA could give the award to Stacey Augmon for all I care. Boy, that Bulls-Wizards series really has me enthralled. How about next year, every team makes the playoffs, and the first round is best of nine? That's my opinion. Face! You should have one, too. Own it! Pat it and prick it and mark it with B! Put it in the oven for baby and me! Sorry. I was briefly possessed by Jim Rome there. It won't happen again.
May 5. New WoB article
May 4. World of B updates - The Twins Blog has been updated
May 3. Where to find B May 13 May 25 June 1 June 2-4 June 12
April 30. An unsatisfied viewer sounds off This is one of the funniest audio clips we've heard in a while. Definitely worth the download.
April 28. New WoB article Week 14 of The Apprentice: Bedazzle-Free
April 26. Untitled New Media Feature DVD CD
April 25. New WoB article Writer Jim Cheney has contributed to the WoB with this piece: Last week I spent a year in Dallas and a day in Austin.
April 22. New WoB article
April 22. Web reading If you believe Paula Abdul's claims, her batshit antics during American Idol aren’t in any way attributed to the usage of drugs. I am appalled at this news. The idea that someone chooses to act like that without the aid of illegal narcotics may be the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. To prove I don’t categorically dislike blogs: Here is a great piece by Heather at dooce.com. I don’t know how she can make a story about constipation poignant and inspirational, but she pulls it off. Here is Neal Pollack’s short essay about his favorite sports teams. It probably took him about ten minutes to write but it’s great nonetheless. Writer Jeff Johnson’s blog is fantastic. He initially won me over with his Weekly NFL Picks for McSweeney's. The following excerpt made me abruptly laugh so hard at work I briefly thought I might get fired: "There's no reason to care at all about the NY Jets at Philadelphia unless you pretend you're a smarmy IT guy named Alan from Suffolk, Long Island, who commutes to Queens everyday in a mayo-stained Jets Starter-jacket that his daughter Becca (deceased from carrot allergy, '96) purchased for him for Christmas 1993. Your coworkers are mainly Giants fans, and the few who used to root for the Jets will not publicly own up to it anymore ("I sorta like the Vikings," they mumble and indicate Fran Tarkenton has a condo near a distant relative), since you have an overwhelming compulsion to stop by their cubes for, say, 45 minutes to crunch numbers on vintage Al Toon receptions. Actually, that's not even so bad. The terrible part is that you're an unflinching apologist for Rich Kotite and even write him cheer-up letters from time to time. (Your stationery sucks.) There's also a random hunk of sod from Shea in your garage freezer. You paid a groundskeeper to rip it up for you one August night in 1990, but you insist it's from 1971. You also have a tendency to finish coworkers' sentences about the Jets 2003 woes with the following: "...actually, that is an okay point, but the real problem is this: ________. Am I right or am I right?" Additional bio: You often pretend your minivan is a semi full of explosives and you're zeroing in on Tora Bora on a suicide mission that will rid the world of Osama Bin Laden. At a stoplight one day, a driver looks over at you, wondering if you'd let him squeeze in. You're so deep in character and so stressed that you actually mouth "Fuck you," and nose ahead, thinking only of your mission, which was, in truth, bringing a Little Caesar's home to your in-laws."
April 21. New WoB feature My opinion: people choose to write blogs when they don't have either the time or the talent to write actual columns. Unfortunately, both these categories ring true for me, which explains why I'll be covering the 2005 Twins season blog-style. Check out the first entry and expect more soon.
April 20. Seacrest. Out. (Of a job soon, if there is a God) Here’s what we learned this week on American Idol: Constantine loves his creepiness (and celebrates it by caking on eye makeup and singing the Beegees); Anthony Fedorov should be performing at an amusement park; Carrie has an obsession with Judy Garland (and sticking her finger in an electrical socket); Scott Savol can either sing or move, but he can’t do both; Vonzell is whiter than most white people; Anwar is proud of his homosexuality: Bo refuses to use conditioner but is still far better than his competitors. Paula is so off-the-wall nutso that I’m tired of laughing at her. An addiction to painkillers is so season three.
April 20. And if the cool kids were to jump off a bridge...
Reader Jason L. saw these images and responded with, "Well, I suppose the missionary position is out of the question."
April 19. The Untitled New Media Feature DVD CD
April 18. New WoB article Film review of the foreign flick Downfall.
April 16. This is what happens when politicians have too much time on their hands Below, read the proposed resolution brought forth by the Idaho House of Representatives: A CONCURRENT RESOLUTION STATING LEGISLATIVE FINDINGS AND COMMENDING JARED AND JERUSHA HESS AND THE CITY OF PRESTON FOR THE PRODUCTION OF THE MOVIE "NAPOLEON DYNAMITE." Be It Resolved by the Legislature of the State of Idaho: WHEREAS, the State of Idaho recognizes the vision, talent and creativity of Jared and Jerusha Hess in the writing and production of "Napoleon Dynamite"; and NOW, THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED by the members of the First Regular Session of the Fifty-eighth Idaho Legislature, the House of Representatives and the Senate concurring therein, that we commend Jared and Jerusha Hess and the City of Preston for showcasing the positive aspects of Idaho's youth, rural culture, education system, athletics, economic prosperity and diversity. Here is the link to this resolution. This may be old news and is probably a hoax (B is too lazy to research) but it made B laugh when he was first notified by reader Andy P.
April 14. New WoB article Week 12 on The Apprentice: Senior Citizens Day
April 13. Links of the week Three must-reads: 1. Have you recently laughed so hard you thought you might actually puke? No? Then have a looksie at the Bikerfox website.
2. Pop tart Britney Spears has officially announced her pregnancy. Procreation now seems to be the Hollywood vice of choice. I miss the old days, when attention-starved celebrities would simply take up a coke habit as an attempt worm their way back into the headlines. The times, they are a-changin’. 3. The WoB makes routine stops at Diablo Cody's blog. Here is one of the best excerpts from a recent post about Diablo's pet peeves: "Lactivist" home-schooling hippie womyn who suddenly and without warning decide to enable password protection on their blogs. This may seem like an obscure problem, but it's happened to me twice this year. I make no secret of the fact that I'm obsessed with hippie blogs. I consume them guiltily like foul-tasting yogurt peanuts, savoring the oddly flat prose and bizarre child-rearing anecdotes: "Today, Leaf used the toilet for the first time. I felt very sad that my little monkey has grown so big, and I wept. But he is nearly seven, so I guess he's ready. I nursed him an extra half-hour today to reassure him of our bond. It's so draining being a full-time mother." Classic! Anyway, if you've been babbling on about nut butter and hemp tampons for two years, why enable password protection now?
April 13. The Untitled New Media Feature DVD CD
April 8. New WoB article Week 11 of The Apprentice: It Takes a Genius to Discover the Proper Usage of Inside Pockets
April 8. Great ads The following ads were created for The Onion by the Martin Agency and featured in this week's PrintCritic. They are sheer genius, but more importantly, how lucky were they to land this account?
April 6. Remembering Mitch Hedberg
You can read this exhaustive list of late comedian Mitch Hedberg's observations, or you can simply read my five favorites: That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like, you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me." I had a box of Ritz crackers and on the back of the box of Ritz crackers it had all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. It said 'Try it with turkey and cheese.' 'Try it with peanut butter.' Oh, c'mon man, they're crackers. That's why I got 'em — I like crackers. There ain't no suggestion: 'Put a Ritz on top of a Ritz.' I didn't buy 'em 'cuz they're little edible plates. I order a club sandwich all the time. And I'm not even a member, I don't know how I get away with it. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "So do I." "Lets form a club then." "Okay, but we're gonna need more stipulations." "Yes we do." "OK... Instead of cutting it once, lets cut it again." "Yeah, four triangles." "And we will position them in a circle. And in the middle we will dump chips. Or potato salad." "Let me ask you a question, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!” I went to see a heavy metal band in New York...called Monster Magnet. Man, they were heavy, boy. The lead singer got on the monitor, and he said "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" Then he said "How many of you feel like animals?" And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question. "Yes, I do feel like a human, I do not feel like a tree." I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
April 6. Tears for Spears? Poor Britney's star has been plummeting at a Jacko-like speed, and this story about her and hubby K-Fed's upcoming reality show won't help. Not only is the show going to be on UPN, but most of the footage was actually shot by themselves. Britney's freefall into Trailer Trashville would be funny if it weren't so pathetic.
April 6. Untitled New Media Feature DVD CD
April 5. New WoB article B's 2005 Minnesota Twins preview, and only one day late!
April 4. The three most recent reasons Joe Morgan is the worst commentator in all of sports To be clear, I don’t actively search for reasons to hate Joe Morgan. I simply sat on my couch to watch the opening game of the 2005 baseball season, between the Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees, and the reasons jumped out at me. It was almost too easy. As a reminder, there are hundreds of reasons to hate Joe Morgan. These are just three of them: #1. Morgan’s immature comment to Terry Francona about Randy Johnson. The Red Sox manager was gracious enough to conduct an in-game interview with Morgan and Jon Miller. Francona’s Red Sox were down 4-1 at the time and Miller asked Francona how he was planning to come back against the powerful Randy Johnson. After Francona’s answer, Miller wrapped up by wishing Francona luck. Morgan jumped in and added a completely sarcastic, “Yeah, good luck against Randy Johnson.” You could just see him up in the booth, rolling his eyes and laughing while elbowing Miller in the midsection. What an immature jerk. #2. Claimed that most power alleys are “350 or 360 feet” compared to Yankee Stadium’s 399. This is ridiculous for two reasons: One, this is yet another of Morgan’s implicit compliments to the almighty Yankees. Morgan does everything in his power to show how wonderful the Yankees are; even, in this case pointing out that the Yankees sluggers are superhumans because they manage to hit homers in such a mammoth ballpark. Whatever happened to objectivity? Two, Morgan is embarrassingly wrong with this claim. Most power alleys are approximately 375-385 feet. Seriously, go to ESPN.com and check the stadium profiles at each team’s web page. How are we supposed to trust Joe Morgan’s expertise if he is so wrong on such obvious information? I am nowhere near an expert on the game and even I know that major league ballparks have deeper power alleys than Morgan’s claim. Why am I smarter than one of the most popular commentators in the game? This is a bad sign. #3. Stuck up for Alex Rodriguez for his 2004 ALCS karate-chop move. I almost chucked my remote through the television after this one. Not only did Morgan defend Rodriguez for one of the most disgraceful on-field moves in the last generation, but he kept talking about it. The viewers had to sit through replay after replay of Rodriguez’s bitch-slap, narrated by Morgan repeatedly claiming that it wasn’t that big of a deal. His two main arguments were, “at least he tried to do something rather than just get tagged out” and “that’s no different than baserunners trying to kick the ball out of the glove during stolen base attempts.” What a desperate, senile old man. Imagine Barry Melrose sticking up for Peter Forsberg if Forsberg were to purposely pick up the puck and throw it into the net. Imagine Sean Salisbury having Adam Viniateri’s back were Viniateri to throw the football through the uprights in an extra point attempt. Rodriguez’s move was a goddamn embarrassment. We have been taught not to karate-chop at a ball since we were four years old; when a Yankee does it, all of a sudden he’s competitive? He’s not. He’s desperate, and I don't need Morgan claiming something otherwise. It's a bratty and irresponsible stance, but then again, this is what we've come to expect from Joe Morgan.
April 3. Let the games begin To honor the beginning of the 2005 baseball season, read B's ode to baseball written nearly one year ago. The World of B will devote an abundance of time to writing about baseball this season.
April 2. A word to the wise Austin City Limits, the fantastic PBS concert series shown locally at midnight each Saturday, is replaying the Wilco/Bright Eyes concert from three months ago. Reader Joel G. has assured everyone this is well worth your time. Tell everyone you know.
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