:: OPEN MIC ARCHIVE ::

September 28. New WoB article

Review of Kanye West's new album Late Registration

September 23. The truth of the matter

Before I take off for the weekend (on a short jaunt to the Windy City to take in two ballgames), I wanted to recommend the following piece written by author Stephen Elliott on his blog:

The Domestic President At War - Notes On The President's Speech From New Orleans

I was watching CSpan. President Bush came out in a blue shirt, no tie, an open collar. He stood against the bottom lit backdrop of the St. Louis Cathedral and spoke for thirty minutes of the hurricane that ravaged the Gulf and the Federal response to it. Acts of courage on the local level but government failures across the board. A "faith in God that no storm can take away."

It was a relatively short speech, considering how much time he had to prepare, but it was filled with important information on what's in store for the region. A massive federal effort to rebuild the coast, starting with $60 Billion but there is already talk of the cost reaching $200 Billion. Where the money will come from was one of the most important things left unsaid. The government is running on a deficit. At some point those bills have to be paid. Last week Tom DeLay defended further cuts to the estate tax, a tax that only effects the absurdly rich. There's $24 Billion in "pork" in the recently approved federal highway bill, pet projects like a $233 million bridge connecting an island with 50 residents in Alaska.

He also mentioned wanting to get all the facts on the government response but he didn't mention an independent commission. The current commission is dominated by Republicans and unlikely to yield any useful information.

I just got back from the Gulf where I was covering the disaster for Salon.com. I beat the president there by a day. I was waiting for George Bush to make some sense of what I had seen, an empty and dangerous city, a coastline laid to waist, gas lines for miles down the highway south of Jackson.

"Four years after the frightening experience of September 11th, Americans have every right to expect a more effective response in a time of emergency. When the federal government fails to meet such an obligation, I as president am responsible for the problem, and for the solution."

September 21. Reader Mail, sans Dispatch

B,
I think you were a little harsh on Barry Bonds. He is an ass but I think the series of comments he made have merit. The current "hot" topic should still be Katrina and how we, as Americans, are going to rebuild the city. Many news reports that I have watched and read tell me that money is as, if not more, important at this time than physical labor. Barry doesn't need to go run a bulldozer or unload a truck full of water. Also, baseball is his job, and if I remember right, his team still has slim playoff hopes. What you should find out is what Barry donated and see if it matches (percentage of salary-wise) what you donated.

If not, you do not have a leg to stand on. Taking quotes out of context is an easy way to win an argument against the ignorant. I made that quote up.

-- Wouldn’t You Like To Know

Dear Wouldn’t You Like To Know,
The current hot topic is Katrina. It has been covered ad nauseam by every media outlet in this country. Thousands of telethons, talk shows, newspapers, websites, etc have repeatedly urged Americans to donate whatever they can spare to helping the victims of Hurricane Katrina.

Barry Bonds tried to insinuate that the reporters questioning his steroid use were ignoring the Hurricane. What a dick. These reporters were attempting to do their job by asking Barry if he has used performance-enhancing substances, and Jughead belittled the reporters by questioning their priorities. You pointed out that baseball is Barry’s job; isn’t it the writers’ job to ask Barry questions?

Did any of these writers claim that steroids were more important than Katrina? No. Bonds was immaturely creating an argument in an attempt to get the heat off himself. He has made many an asinine statement in his days, but this had to rank near the top.

(Let’s take Bonds’ logic and apply it to another situation. Imagine if a teacher caught a student cheating on a test and the student defended himself by saying, “There are more important things in life than me cheating on this test. Why don’t you focus your attention on helping the victims of Hurricane Katrina?” Not only would that student be unfairly assuming that the teacher was ignoring Katrina, but he would be skirting the issue at hand.)

The importance of helping the Katrina victims has never been in question. Neither has the importance of donating money. For Barry Bonds to question the priorities of the reporters who were simply doing their job was a cheap cop-out, and for that he is an ass.

w/b
b/f/f

-- B

PS. I have no idea how to calculate what Bonds would have to give in order to meet my sad little donation amount. I earn less than 1/500th of his salary, so I’m guessing he’s got a bit more disposable income than I do. I gave what I could, and I hope he did as well. Doesn’t matter though, he’s still an ass.

September 20. Needless scolding from Jughead

"You know what? There are still other issues that are more important. Right now, people are losing lives, don't have homes, I think that's a little more serious. A lot more serious."

-- Barry Bonds when reporters attempted to ask him questions about his alleged (ha!) steroid use

I would have given my left nut to hear a reporter pipe up and ask, "Then why don't you head down to New Orleans to help the victims, rather than just playing baseball?" I have to think the principle applies to the athletes as well as the media, right? You heard it here first: Barry Bonds is an ass.

In other news, the Strokes are working on a new album, due out in January. Sounds promising.

September 18. Tactless sales pitch

I was in a bad mood earlier today over the Vikings embarrassing loss against the Bengals, but then I came across this picture at Daniel Radosh's website and forgot all about football. Things like this make me ashamed to be an American.

September 17. Reader Mail, sans Dispatch

"Hey B,
I have a two part question! First, I have sort of small writing that has been refered to as "chicken scratch." So what kind of pen would you recommend? I currently use the G2.

Secondly when are you going to admit Kanye West is an IDIOT???

~Go Blue Devils"

-- Anonymous

I'm not sure what to think about this one. Have I been prank e-mailed? I'm beginning to hate the form on my contact page, which allows readers to send me an e-mail without leaving their name or contact information. Damn you, Anonymous, show your face!

The first question seemed to be an attempt to make fun of my Completely Random Recommendations piece in which I mentioned my beloved Uniball Signo 207 pens. Okay, I'm a nerd. I get it. Thanks for pointing that out. But mentioning that you use the G2? Good lord. I've been accused of "chicken scratch" writing myself (a problem haunting me since my youth), and the G2 pens are the absolute worst for small handwriting. The micro tip 207 pens have been a godsend. Give these a try, my friend. Trust me.

To answer your second question, I will never admit that Kanye is an idiot. Why would I? His first two albums have easily surpassed anything else in the hip-hop genre, (especially his latest "Late Registration") with the exception of Outkast. He's achieved the all-important critical acclaim and commercial success. His MC skills aren't groundbreaking by any means, but at least he chooses to rap about more than just money and hoes. So that's something. And not only that, but Kanye produced two of my favorite recent hip-hop albums: John Legend's "Get Lifted" and Common's "Be." I'm not saying he's attained legendary status yet, but he's on his way.

So he's arrogant and whines when he doesn't win awards. At least he cares. Muhammed Ali was even more arrogant, but he's one of the most loved and celebrated figures in recent American history. So we're supposed to love Ali but hate Kanye? Whatever.

Hugs and kisses,
B

September 15. New WoB article

Sweet Dreams Are Made of...This? A column for Industry Magazine about reality television. Enjoy.

September 12. To answer your question: yes, I am quite ready for some football

Due to a previously scheduled engagement I missed most of the Vikings opening game loss to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. I Tivo'd it, but once I learned the final tally I opted not to watch the recorded version.

Starting next week and continuing throughout the season, I will provide a running journal of every Vikings game. For now, please indulge in this article I wrote a year ago about Daunte Culpepper and his affection for the now-departed Randy Moss. I already miss him.

September 11. Web reading

Don't mean to be a hater, but this article by Jim Souhan has to be one of the worst columns I have ever read. Taking immature, clichéd shots at Koren Robinson for his ongoing struggles with alcoholism (which is a disease, by the way) – what a concept! Souhan seems to be a friendly enough gentleman, but he is an abomination as a columnist.

Elsewhere on the web, this piece by Chuck Klosterman is decent.

September 10. New WoB article

New Reader Mail column -- finally. Contact B for questions or comments to be included in the next installment. (The contact form wasn't working for a while, but it's been fixed.)

September 6. Exercise that first amendment, homey!

For those who haven't yet heard (or seen), Kanye West went off on President Bush during a live Hurricane Katrina telethon this weekend. Classic stuff. The World of B loves 'Ye.

To see the clip, go here.

To read about the tirade, go here.

September 5. Hurricane Katrina

We now know that Hurricane Katrina is the worst American natural disaster in over a hundred years. No one knows how many people have died so far, though every estimation puts the number in the thousands. And it's not over yet. This seven-part story from Newsweek provides an amazing account of the catastrophe from start to finish.

The dysfunction of our administration -- a notion many of our citizens have been feverishly denying -- is now doubtless; a dysfunction so paralyzing it has cost many Americans (mostly poor and black) their lives. Page five of that Newsweek story gives just a few examples of how President Bush and his cohorts failed miserably to react to this disaster, demonstrating a frightening amount of ignorance. It makes me sick to my stomach with frustration and anger.

So what can we do? Donate to the Red Cross. I have few pennies to spare beyond my bills, but I have given what I can afford. Please do the same if you haven't already.

September 2. Celebrate good times, come on

I shall celebrate the first birthdays of my twin niece and nephew in two separate ways:

1. Recommending my readers read this article from Radar Online, detailing what really went on during the taping of E!'s Kill Reality series. Grandparents of B, please don't read this article.

2. Letting my readers in on a family campfire secret to try out this Labor Day weekend: Fudge Stripe s'mores. Infinitely better than the conventional s'more -- much less mess and much better taste. Simply roast your 'mallow and squeeze it between two Fudge Stripe cookies. Same graham cracker taste but subtler chocolate presence. Enjoy. (And yes, I realize my family didn't exactly invent this snack, but it warrants a mention).

The WoB will return next week.

August 26. New WoB article

Review of The 40-Year-Old Virgin.

August 23. Video link of the week

Boy, if I had a nickel for every video clip of a European woman playing a keyboard solo while virtually humping said keyboard I'd seen, I'd have.... well, at least one, well deserved nickel. Thanks to reader Adam L. for the link.

August 23. But I've watched the Cosby Show -- does that count?

The unfortunately named LA Dodger outfielder Milton Bradley has accused his mustachioed teammate Jeff Kent of being a racist, according to ESPN. Now, I don't know Jeff Kent, and Milton Bradley is the last person that deserves to be taken at his word, but if I were absolutely forced to guess a ballplayer with racist tendencies, it'd be Kent. I mean, come on -- that mustache just screams "the South will rise again," doesn't it?

August 22. Christmas in August

What will you be doing on your lunch break tomorrow? If you're like B, you'll be skipping down to your local music shop to pick up the New Pornographers' Twin Cinema CD. I've been looking forward to buying this disc for months. Expect a (biased) review shortly.

August 21. Links of the week

Four interesting reads as I try to overcome my latest bout with writer's block and actually publish an article or two this week:

Underground 'zine goes from spark to sensation. An article in the Strib about the magazine for which I write. Exciting stuff.

Sexual politics and the General. Politic commentary from author Stephen Elliott on his great website.

Are you there, Hollywood? It's me, Diablo. You knew I was going to provide a link to this. One of my favorite bloggers, Diablo Cody, wrote a cover story for one of my favorite publications, the City Pages, about a recent trip to Hollywood. Diablo, the former stripper, has become a highly sought-after screenwriter.

How to be loathsomely repellant to women. Funny stuff from the National Lampoon website.

August 17. Cool as the other side of the pillow

Sports fans know that Sportscenter is in the midst of their "50 States in 50 Days" tour over the summer, stopping at a state each day to "celebrate the sporting culture and heritage of every state" during their broadcasts.

Minnesota will be showcased this Sunday, August 21. Very exciting. Before then, go here to vote for some of your favorite Minnesota sports moments. If you don't think Game 7 of the 1991 World Series is the best Minnesots sports moment, then brother, you done missed the boat.

August 15. Curing your midday doldrums

Six excerpts to convince you to buy Nick Hornby's Songbook, a collection of short essays about some of the author's favorite songs:

Led Zeppelin's "Heartbreaker"
"I suspect that there is a musical, rather than pathological, explanation for my early dalliance with Zeppelin and Sabbath and Deep Purple, namely that I was unable to trust my judgment of a song. Like any pretentious but dim adult who won't watch a film unless it has subtitles, I wouldn't listen to anything that wasn't smothered in loud, distorted electric guitars. How was I to know whether the music was any good otherwise? Songs that were played on piano, or acoustic guitar, or by people without mustaches and beards (girls, for example), people who ate salad rather than rodents...well, that could be bad music, trying to play a trick on me. That could be people pretending to be The Beatles when they weren't. How would I know, if it was all undercover like that? No, best avoid the whole question of good or bad and stick to loud instead. You couldn't go too wrong with loud."

Rufus Wainwright's "One Man Guy"
"When I say that you can hear God in "One Man Guy" by Rufus Wainwright, I do not mean to suggest that there is an old chap with a beard -- a divine Willie Nelson, if you will -- warbling along with them. Nor do I wish to imply that this surprise guest appearance at the beginning of the second verse proves that Jesus died for our sins, or that rich men will have difficulty entering the kingdom of Heaven, I just mean that at certain spine-shivering musical moments -- and you will have your own, inevitably -- it becomes difficult to remain a literalist. (I have no difficulty when I hear religious music, by the way, no matter how beautiful. They're cheating, those composers; they're inviting Him in, egging Him on, and surely he wouldn't fall for that? I think He'd have enough self-respect to stay well away.)"

The Bible's "Gloryhound"
"Pop snobs always think that the bands they love have been treated unfairly, that their failure is evidence of a tasteless, ignorant, and tone-deaf world, but the truth is that invariably these bands are too quiet, too anonymous, too ugly, too smart, and they've spent too much time listening to Chris Bell or The Replacements or Bill Evans instead of dressing up, taking drugs, trying out makeup, and picking up fourteen-year-olds; I may prize the songwriting craft of Paddy McAloon over the vulgarity of Eminem, but it would be stupid to pretend that I don't know why Eminem is the bigger star."

Jackson Browne's "Late For The Sky"
"Recently, Mojo magazine ran their list of 100 Greatest Punk Singles, and it would be fair to say that probably eighty of them were and remain simply awful -- derivative, childish, tuneless even within the context of punk, nothing I would ever want to hear again. And yet at the time I would have taken Half Man Half Biscuit over Jackson Browne any day of the week. (What am I talking about? I did take Half Man Half Biscuit over Jackson Browne, every day of the week.) I didn't hear David Lindley's hymnal, soulful guitar solo in "Late for the Sky" for a quarter century because I was a bigot, as narrow-minded and as dumb as any racist. (And speaking of which: I was old enough to vote, and yet still I made excuses for "Belsen Was a Gas" by the Sex Pistols, while simultaneously finding myself unable to absolve a man for an iffy haircut and a touch of introspection...It was all pretty scary back then, now I come to think about it.) Now I feel far more belligerent about Jackson Browne than I ever did about the Pistols: 'You don't like 'Late for the Sky?' Well, fuck you, because I don't give a shit.'"

The Avalanche's "Frontier Psychiatrist"
"The Fugees copy great chunks of Marley and Roberta Flack out into their notebooks, and their achievement is all the smaller because of it: the music is over-familiar, and in any case they don't do anything with it or to it, they neither alter the flavor of it nor the melodic shape of it, subtly or otherwise, in order to make it become something else. Similarly, when R&B singer Angie Stone borrows the riff "Back Stabbers" for her song "Wish I Didn't Miss You," it strikes me as nothing other than creative bankruptcy, and a vague hope that someone else's genius -- and our recognition of it -- will carry her through to the end of the track. Somehow, we have managed to convince ourselves that this is simply what happens now, as if expecting a songwriter to write a whole new fucking three-minute tune is square."

The Entertainers
"Boxed sets tell the same story over and over: the artist hits the ground running, perfects a sound, makes too much money, and starts turning out music that is self-parodying or overblown or desperate to latch on to whichever current musical trend happens to be passing. Enoch Powell, the English M.P., once observed something to the effect that all political careers end in failure, but at least no politician -- unlike, say Rod Stewart -- has ever attempted to go disco on us."

Intrigued? If so, feel free to buy Songbook from Amazon.

August 9. Entertaining and informative website, from me to you

Tricks of the Trade is one of my favorite spots on the web. Only visit this site if you have hours to waste -- it is quite addicting.

August 8. Music recommendations, from B to you

1. What are you doing Friday, October 21? If you're going to be in Minneapolis, be sure to join B at the Decemberists' concert at First Ave. One of the best bands in the world, playing at the premier venue in Minnesota. Like you have something better to do?

The only negative is that it's an all-ages show, meaning the place will be absolutely packed before any music starts. Damn you, overeager youngsters -- I shake my fist at you!

2. The two youngsters in the above photo, however, are nothing to shake your fist at, unless it's in the rockin' out fashion. These two gals, Chloe and Asya, make up the Seattle indie-rock band Smoosh. They are sisters, 13 and 11 years old, and their debut album She Like Electric is full of bubbly pop music that's addicting in all the right ways. They've opened for Sleater-Kinney, Death Cab for Cutie and Pearl Jam, and they deserve your attention. When you recommend Smoosh to your friends (which you definitely will), you don't have to mention that B turned you on to them. Smoosh can be your band, too.

August 5. And... we're back! But not happy

Three sad pieces of news from the pop culture universe:

1. Vince Vaughn is a Republican

2. Leah Remini, a favorite of mine since her Stacy Karosi
days, is a Scientologist

3. Bengals running back Rudi Johnson lists his favorite television show as Arli$$. I refuse to draft him in my fantasy football league because of this.

On the other hand, this scathing review of the Dukes of Hazzard remake cheers me up. What is wrong with Hollywood? Are there no original stories left to tell?

July 30. Dear reader...

B is in the midst of a vacation in Portland, Oregon. Expect articles upon his return, August 5.

July 22. Notes about this website

A movie review of Wedding Crashers will be published Sunday. Last chance to submit a question or comment for an upcoming Reader Mail column.

July 22. Excerpts

An excerpt from an article found in this month's outstanding Believer Magazine, between Patton Oswalt and Aimee Mann. In this portion they're talking about confidence in show business:

PO: The Republicans have started to pick up on that. All these evil conservative demigod motherfuckers have stolen the language of rebellious rock and roll. They've taken the funky cracker swagger and used it to their advantage.

AM: They've taken that cowboy flavor.

PO: They've also stolen the stance of black bluesmen and jazz musicians. You know the way jazz musicians will lean back with the horn in that really cool way? It's all about understanding what gets a reaction from an audience. Who do they stare at? They've created a version of that hip jazz poise. It's eerie. I've got to watch a Bush speech again and really pay attention to what he's doing.

AM: He has a speech tonight.

PO: Oh, that's right. I hope I remembered to tape it.

AM: I think it's just about how he's going to take over the world.

PO: I hope he just comes out in a Dr. Doom costume. That would be cool. At least it'd be more honest. He should just start wearing a cape and mask.

AM: I would probably like him more.

July 17. Finally, it's safe to visit the cinema again

I have to admit that I've been impressed with the trailers for the remake of The Bad News Bears, starring my favorite actor Billy Bob Thornton. I mean, when the coach plunks a kid in the noggin during batting practice? Hilarious. I'll be the one to admit it: seeing people get hit in the head will always be funny. Plus, the film is directed by Richard Linklater, whose last two films have been the wonderful Before Sunset and School of Rock.

July 17. Web reading

One of my favorite places on the web is McSweeney's Short Essays on Favorite Songs. The three best submissions:

"Oh My Sweet Carolina" by Ryan Adams. This is written by Nick Hornby and appears in his book Songbook, which is the inspiration for the entire McSweeney's series.

"Do You Realize?" by The Flaming Lips. A gut-wrenching, beautifully written essay about a great song. The album on which this song appears, Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots, should be a required purchase for every American citizen.

"Achin' To Be" by The Replacements. My fondness for this band has been duly noted, but Westerberg's songwriting talent is sadly underrated. Seeing the words in print are a reminder of his genius. One of my favorite songs ever.

July 17. New WoB article

A running journal of the 2005 ESPY Awards.

July 14. Give your gift to The World

B needs an official tagline for this website and is looking to you, his readers, for help. Write in with your suggestions. It needs to perfectly encapsulate this site's reluctant obsession with popular culture. Bonus points for humor.

The winner will receive a FREE World of B t-shirt.

July 14. Web reading

There is a great article at Baseball America about former phenom Bill Pulsipher's battle with depression. One needn't be a baseball fan to enjoy this piece.

July 10. Two unrelated notes

1. Decent Newsweek article about Vince Vaughn and his new role in Wedding Crashers. B is planning on seeing this new film on Friday, opening night. Expect a review.

2. A new WoB article has been posted, inspired by a passage on my Ideas page. It's an extended look at my Wrist PDAs idea and will be featured in an upcoming issue of Industry Magazine.

Just for kicks, here is a questionnaire my editor asked me to fill out for a "bio" section of the magazine. Get to know B!

1. What do you do for Industry Minne-zine?
I write the World of B column, usually located near the back, right where it belongs.

2. When did you start writing and what got you into it?
I started writing in kindergarten and haven’t moved on to anything else yet.

3. Where/ or did you go to college? What did you study?
Communications/Marketing B.A. from the University of Minnesota Duluth.

4. What is your inspiration?
Jon Stewart, Dave Chappelle and David Sedaris; I have a deep respect for their combination of humor and integrity.

5. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
After selling the rights to my first screenplay for a cool million, I will take the earnings and travel the world, writing a weekly travelogue column for my website detailing my escapades. The website will be flooded with traffic, and the money I earn from the advertisements will be spent starting up a volunteer center in Minneapolis, dedicated to teaching reading and writing to underprivileged inner city youth. I will divide my time between the volunteer center and managing Iffy, who will have rightfully become the most popular band in the country. On weekends I’ll work on my novel, take walks around the lakes and treat my family to dinner at a new restaurant every week.

Or, realistically, living in Minneapolis, spending too much time on a website that no one reads.

6. What is something remarkable about you… worth printing?
I can remember the license plates of the cars of every one of my friends and family members -- but at work I often forget where I parked.

7. What are you looking forward to this summer?
Visits to cabins, grilling veggie burgers, doubles to the gap, air-conditioning, the smell of freshly cut grass, Pronto Pups and the New Pornographers CD.

8. Where are you from? Where did you grow up?
Grew up in Brooklyn Park, MN and recently moved to St. Louis Park.

9. What do you do to pay the bills?
My paycheck gig is in marketing, where my employers are gracious enough to cope with my early morning pre-Red Bull crankiness.

10. What keeps you living in the Twin Cities?
1.) Fear of leaving my comfort zone, 2.) First Ave. and 3.) Kinh Do. In that order.

July 9. And we're back!

Fantastic ESPN article today about the search for Steve Bartman. The writer isn't quite at the level of Gary Smith, but I enjoyed every last word.

July 1. Supplementing the sparklers

AFI has recently released their Top 100 Movie Quotes. They somehow missed my personal favorite:

"I thought I had mono for a whole summer, but it turns out I was just really bored."

- Wayne Campbell, Waynes World

A happy Independance Day to all. As I said last year: "On Independance Day, we celebrate America's glorious night of victory on July 4, 1776. The story goes -- and forgive me if I've missed a few details -- young soldier Jesus Christ fought off the evil Russians with sparklers and M-80s on the shores of the Plymouth Rock. He and his disciples then celebrated with a barbeque, where they drank warm Keystone Lights and, later in the evening, penned "The Star Spangled Banner" at a nearby karaoke bar."

OPEN MIC APR-JUN 2005
OPEN MIC JAN-MAR 2005
OPEN MIC APRIL-DECEMBER 2004