:: OPEN MIC ARCHIVE ::
December 31. A film review published on the most overrated day of the year Saw Brokeback Mountain, wrote a quick review. Be safe.
December 28. New articles (though nothing I actually wrote) Nothing special here, just a piece entitled What I'm Reading. A few articles on the web worth your attention.
December 27. They can't take our rings from us Twins fans: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but former closer -- and owner of the meanest beard since Grizzly Adams -- Jeff Reardon has been arrested for armed robbery of a jewelry store. I just thank god Keith Atherton has been keeping his nose clean. I can't take any more bad news about the '87 Twinkies.
December 27. New WoB article Very exciting development over at World of B headquarters: an interview with The Hopefuls. Great album, great band, great outfits, great interview. Dig it.
December 21. Bullet-pointedness -- A new WoB list: 10 Things I've Done This Past Year That May Seem Inappropriate Now That I've Turned 25. -- I’m two days late recommending this, but the Lazy Sunday rap on last week’s Saturday Night Live was a classic bit. Still not enough to make me want to watch the show, but classic nonetheless. -- Friends Joel and Lauren created a Christmas video for their agency Sedgwick Rd. (out of Seattle) that’s been receiving positive buzz within the ad community. Go here to check it out. Joel and Lauren are going to be famous someday, and I plan on riding their coattails – uh, I mean promoting their work – on their rise to fame. -- Reason 1,001 that American sports are crazy: the officials at Giants Stadium have decided to ban alcohol sales for next Sunday’s football game between the Jets and Patriots, citing safety concerns. Reason 1,002: I actually think it’s a good move. The fanatical, face-painting, personalized-jersey-wearing clowns that make up the majority of the attendance don’t deserve any juice. That’s what happens when you act like a bunch of lunatics. America’s obsession with football is dangerously close to matching Europe’s obsession with soccer, and removing alcohol from the equation is a bold first step. That said, I’m playing for the title in my fantasy football league this weekend and am completely stoked.
December 20. A list, from me to you From my miTunes series: Motown, Etc. One of my favorite mixed CDs. And those of you looking to read something jaded and brilliant, something off-topic yet dead-on, something that I wish I had written, should check out this rant by my favorite Diablo Cody. More later. December 16. New WoB article Cross vs. Cable: Git'n-R-On. This short piece concerns the ongoing battle between David Cross and Larry the Cable Guy. Cross is one of my heroes (his segment on Comedy Central's Last Laugh '05 was genius) so don't expect any objectivity. Completely random note: I've been listening to the live version of Joe Jackson's "Is She Really Going Out With Him?" from the First Ave's Bootlegs album pretty much nonstop these past few days. Is that embarrassing? Should I file this song under Guilty Pleasure? I know it's got that cheesy 80's chorus and all, but dammit if I'm not digging it anyway. The entire CD is great, btw. Have a good weekend.
December 12. Slapdash-esque -- Minnesota music fans should join me for Wednesday night's First Avenue 35th Anniversary Party. Scheduled performers include the Jayhawks (awesome), The Hold Steady (reportedly awesome), Jessy Greene (talented, serves snuff at Mario's), Polara, Curtiss A and members of Golden Smog. -- Regular readers of this website will know how often I ask for (nay, beg for) reader mail. Love it. However, what one reader wrote me last Thursday was not exactly what I had in mind. He simply wrote, "You are a fucking moron." That's it. And while I certainly don't mind being called a moron -- that's pretty much a daily occurence -- I'd prefer a little more clarification in the future. But when I wrote "Jay" back with the email address he included on my contact form, it was -- surprise! -- inactive. A fake email address; god I love the internet. So, to clarify: reader mail, good; calling me a fucking moron, fine; not giving a reason, sad. -- This is the mayor of my college town, Duluth:
Evidently, the man likes his juice. Now that is crazy. Learning that someone in Duluth actually drinks and drives is about as shocking as learning that Colin Farrell is heading into a treatment clinic. I mean, if we can't count on an upstanding young man like Farrell staying clean, or Jessica and Nick staying together forever, what can we count on? Sometimes I just feel lost.
December 11. New WoB articles Reviews of two movies you've either already seen or already forgotten about: Capote and Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic.
December 11. Excerpt From a September '05 New York Times article by A.O. Scott: If you are an overeducated (or at least a semi-overeducated) youngish person with a sleep disorder and a surfeit of opinions, the thing to do, after all, is to start a blog. There are no printing costs, no mailing lists, and the medium offers instant membership in a welcoming herd of independent minds who will put you in their links columns if you put them in yours. Blogs embody and perpetuate a discourse based on speed, topicality, cleverness and contention -- all qualities very much ascendant in American media culture these days. To start a little magazine, then -- to commit yourself to making an immutable, finite set of perfect-bound pages that will appear, typos and all, every month or two, or six, or whenever, even if you are also, and of necessity, maintaining an affiliated Web site, to say nothing of holding down a day job or sweating over a dissertation -- is, at least in part, to lodge a protest against the tyranny of timeliness. It is to opt for slowness, for rumination, for patience and for length. It is to defend the possibility of seriousness against the glibness and superficiality of the age -- and also, of course, against other magazines.
December 10. Prepare for the tributes Sad news today: Richard Pryor died. He was the best. One of my heroes. Click here to read the AP article (it's a great read). Another must-read is John Moe's article in McSweeneys: A Letter To Elton John From The Office Of The Nasa Administrator. It's the tenth in his hilarious series of Pop-Song Correspondences.
December 6. New WoB article, and more! A new article published today: Punk'd Season Preview. Also, I came across an amazing website today: mp.danwho.net. Video clips of the recent Dane Cook monologue on SNL, Mr. Show, Upright Citizen's Brigade, The State, Louis C.K. standup (classic) and more. Just an unbelievable find.
December 1. New WoB article The second installment in my running Lists series: Best Bars To.... To be seen in Industry Magazine, the local publication for which I write. In an unrelated note, now that it's December you can feel free to start listening to Christmas music again. Go ahead, admit you enjoy it. I'll be listening to the Holiday Mix I compiled last year.
November 30. New WoB article A new addition to my Ideas page: With the seemingly never-ending parade of technological innovations dominating the marketplace, I’m surprised the concept of “Custom DVDs” hasn’t yet been introduced. I’ll use Saturday Night Live as an example to illustrate my idea: Imagine visiting a website that allows you to view every SNL skit & musical performance and choose your favorite scenes to create a custom-content DVD. You could virtually click-and-drag your favorites until you reached the set time limit (three hours?), place your order, and the SNL tech folks could compile the DVD and snail mail it to you. Owning a DVD with the James Brown Hot Tub sketch, Jeffrey’s (Sean Hayes), The Stevie Wonder Experience, More Cowbell, Schmidt’s Gay, Mick Jagger impersonating Keith Richards on Weekend Update, Chippendale’s, The Barry Gibb Talk Show and more would be one of my most prized possessions. Now imagine extending this concept to every show, past and present, on television. Sweet Jesus. One reason this may not yet have happened is that the Powers That Be are trying to force consumers to buy a DVD already on the market (i.e. if you like that one Dana Carvey sketch, you have to buy the entire Best Of Dana Carvey DVD). That notion makes sense at first blush, but not if they charged a premium for custom content. If “Best of” DVDs are $20, you could easily charge $40 for a custom. Plus, imagine the demand. Who wouldn’t want one? Wouldn’t a custom DVD make for the greatest gift ever? If custom DVDs were to enter the virtual marketplace, I have to think consumers would be clamoring to create one. Imagine your five favorite Austin City Limits concerts on DVD. Imagine your ten favorite Seinfeld episodes, all on one handy disc. Just you wait. This will be how we purchase our entertainment in the future.
November 29. The "exhaustion" light just came on (file under: things you likely couldn't care less about) Thanks to unmatchable incompetence by Sun Country airlines, I did not return home from my Seattle vacation until past 1:30 am last night. And since I was still operating on West Coast time, I didn't achieve slumber for over two hours after that. I am, like Jackson Browne -- both literally and figuratively, in his case -- running on empty. A few notes: Radar Online has a decent interview with one of B's personal favorites David Cross. McSweeney's Recommends recently suggested: "Shaving without shaving cream when you first get out of the shower. Few men are aware of this option, which, if broadly implemented, could bring Big Shaving Cream to its knees. Right out of a hot shower, your face is warm and soft. Wrap a towel around your waist, grab a razor, and go to work. No cream means you can see exactly where the whiskers are. No shirt means you stay clean. And, most important, it ends up being a better shave anyway." I tried this. Best shave ever. More soon.
November 22. Five points to last a week 1. The link of the day, submitted by reader Andy P., is here: 20 Things Every Assclown Must Do Before He Dies. Good stuff. 2. The Official World of B shirts are now in stock. Get 'em while they're hot. 3. Reader Stephanie F. responded to my recent Query of the Week "I wonder if pro-lifers think it's okay for pregnant women to use the car pool lane" with: "I think that the answer is NO. If you are a cop, you look for two BODIES in the car when ticketing for carpool cheaters. A lot of people put dummies in their passenger seats when driving so that they can cheat the system, so I think that being pregnant will be a tough argument when pulled over. Also, the point of the carpool lane is to reduce the number of DRIVERS on the road...newborns have 16+ years to mature before they will even be able to drive. And last but not least, children ages 11 and under are required to ride in the backseat of cars, so in essence, being pregnant means that your child is in the front seat. And if you consider your unborn baby a real child, then you are doing something illegal by having them in the front seat." I responded to Stephanie with, "You do understand I was joking, right?" To which she responded with, "oh." Stephanie's a real life Amelia Bedelia! Stephanie's the best. 4. New article posted today: Two-Sentence Reviews Of My Last Album Purchases. The four albums are the new Atmosphere, Franz Ferdinand, Stevie Wonder and Rogue Wave. I dig the shorter format, especially with music reviews, which are nearly impossible to write without sounding either pretentious or ignorant. I'd love to know what you think. 5. This website will be taking a one week vacation as I head out to Seattle for some family fun and Lebanese food. Be safe.
November 21. Your daily serving of randomness Wisconsinites can say all they want about Minnesotans; at least we don't store our dead parents in our freezers. Read that story all the way through. I could take enough LSD to kill a Clydesdale and still not be clever enough to come up with a story that randomly awesome. Query of the Week: Since Charlize Theron is from South Africa, can she technically be categorized as an African-American? And if so, does it render the term moot as a physical description? When can I go back to using "white" and "black"? Political correctness is exhausting. (PS. I recently posted a review of the Johnny Cash flick Walk The Line)
November 21. I'll give you Q's if you give me A's Two questions I need answered: 1. Daunte Culpepper destroyed three ligaments in his knee during the October 30 game against the Detroit Lions. He had arthroscopic surgery on November 15. If the Vikings are so concerned with getting him back on the field as soon as possible next year, why did it take 16 days for him to actually get surgery? Two weeks equals two more 2006 games in which DC is on the bench. Were there swelling issues? Was there only one doctor in the world who could take him, and was he too busy to see him? If the Vikings are so desperate for his return, then why the delay? 2. Like everyone else in the world, I was happy to hear about the new steroid punishment levels set by the MLB (first offense to be a 50 game suspension, second will be 100 and third is life). However, a number of players who got caught last year (including Raffy Palmeiro) claimed they had no idea how they got caught. They vehemently denied ever taking steroids, claiming there was a glitch in the system. My question is, is there any validity to their claims? Any whatsoever? I mean, these athletes have lawyers and agents…why would anyone recommend they plead conspiracy if there were absolutely no chance of it being true? And why haven't I gotten much reader response about the Replacements link below? Was I alone in my enthusiasm?
November 20. An unburied treasure Now this is why I love the internet: Twintone's website has footage of a 1981 Replacements concert at the 7th Street Entry. Truly amazing stuff; in fact, one of the best things I've seen on the 'net in many a moon. Bob's guitar work is amazing, and it's fun to see Tommy -- who couldn't have been more than 14 or 15 at the time -- bounce around so enthusiastically. "Goddamn Job" is the best.
November 17. Are you too cool for school? Would you like to be? Official World of B t-shirts are available to be pre-ordered! We expect the shipment to arrive from our Honduran sweatshops no later than the end of next week (depending on how much homework they have). Support this site! Become the envy of all your friends! Order a shirt today.”
November 16. It's my website and I'll write what I want to, write what I want to, write what I want to In one of my first Open Mic entries, back in April of 2004, I wrote: "Fashion Tip of the Week: All ankle socks, all the time. Wear them to meetings, wear them on dates, wear them at the club and wear them on the court. They are much more comfortable. To insure social acceptability, we need to do this together." And I meant every word of that. Still do. I wear ankle socks (the super-low style) every single day at my business casual nine-to-fiver, joyously bucking the status quo calf-highs, which are annoying and uncomfortable. However, I've been unsuccessfully searching for brown ankle socks for the past two years, spending hours on the web in vain. But last week, I finally discovered the Holy Grail of ankle socks: the Journeys website. I eagerly ordered a five-pack of the brown socks and cartwheeled down the hall when they arrived. Well, that's an outright lie, but the socks certainly are swell. Whew. After sitting through that self-indulgent rant, reward yourself by indulging in the following article from McSweeneys: The 4-Year-Old's Workday.
November 15. Your monthly Chuck fix A new WoB article recently published: a review of Chuck Klosterman's latest book Killing Yourself to Live. Also, Klosterman recently wrote a great piece for ESPN.com's Page 2. My favorite part is, "For example, I don't have an opinion on abortion. I really, truly do not. You want to have an abortion? Fine; take my car keys, You think abortion is murder? Well, you're probably right. Who knows? Either way, it doesn't have anything to do with me. Do I think George W. Bush is the worst president of my lifetime? Well, of course I do -- but that's not because he's a Republican. It's because he somehow (a) got into Yale, yet (b) claims "the jury is still out" on the theory of evolution." I'm filing that under "Things I Wish I Had Written."
November 15. If I don't make it out alive, be sure to play "California Stars" at my funeral So this blizzard is out of control, isn't it? Yikes. I hope everyone reading this has fully stocked up on canned foods and bottled water. There is just no telling when this bitter snowstorm might subside. I mean, this is some scary shit. (Non-Minnesota readers, I am making fun of one of the silliest Minnesota traditions: the Annual Overreaction To The First Snow of The Year. The forecasts have been calling for approximately 3-6 inches of snow -- only 1-2 of accumulation, of course, being that it's 35 degrees out -- and Minnesotans are absolutely freaking out. Like they've forgotten that it snows every year. People are planning snow days, leaving work early, driving 10 miles per hour...the Twin Cities have suddenly become a region of overly cautious geriatrics.) Oh Minnesotans, you so crazy.
November 14. If this is my claim to fame, I've got some real soul searching to do A few weeks back I wrote to the good people over at Deadspin, pleading them to add Star Tribune columnist Jim Souhan to their running feature Why Your Hometown Columnist Sucks. My rationale was as follows: "PLEASE do me a favor and direct your Hometown Columnist skewering to the Minneapolis Star Tribune’s Sid Hartman and Jim Souhan. Hartman is a senile jackass who may or may not have died five years ago, but relative newcomer Souhan is young and (presumably) cognizant enough to know better. These two columnists are an absolute embarrassment to Minnesotans. Sort of like Mike Tice." I'm happy to report that not only did Deadspin add Souhan to their list, they also included a snippet of my email as justification. If they'd only given my website a shout-out, I'd be a much happier man. Ah well. If I can't spread the word about my silly little website, at least I can help to spread the word that Souhan is the worst newspaper columnist in the country. Next best thing, I s'pose. (God I'm a dick.)
November 13. Sarah Silverman is the best An excerpt from a hilarious feature on Sarah Silverman in The New Yorker: “I’m just sensitive,” she says onstage. “My skin is paper thin. People don’t realize it, because I’m sassy and I’m brassy, but I just— I see these CARE commercials with these little kids with the giant bellies and the flies, and these are one- and two-year-old babies, nine months pregnant, and it breaks my heart in two.” As the audience reacts, she presses on. “It breaks my heart in half. And I don’t give money, because”—out of the side of her mouth—“I don’t want them to spend it on drugs, but I give. You know I give. I, this past summer, sent fifteen really fun cowl-neck sweaters to this village in Africa, in really fun colors—expecting nothing, by the way—and they culled their money together, whatever they call it, and bought a stamp and sent me a postcard thanking me, and it said thank you and that they had enough sweaters for every single member of the village to get one and that they were delicious.
Novemer 8. Sports and culture collide! It's a veritable bump-n-grind! New WoB article today: B's postgame press conference. Mostly useless Vikings analysis that was supposed to be published yesterday, but wasn't due to technical difficulties at the WoB Headquarters. But anyway. The story about the Carolina Panthers cheerleaders is also sorta yesterday, but intriguing nonetheless. I actually didn’t believe it when I first heard, figuring my friends had confused a news report with the plotline of a recent porno they’d seen. I mean, I seem to remember the exact same incident occurring at the onset of either Good Will Humping or Pulp Friction…I don’t recall which. And another thing…attractive lesbians? I thought the concept was an urban myth; like Bigfoot, or compassionate conservatives. This whole story is just surreal. In a mostly unrelated note, here is my Query of the Week: who’s the bigger dick: Terrell Owens or Drew Rosenhaus? It's gotta be a toss-up, right? Talk amongst yourselves, and tell me what you conclude.
November 6. Elsewhere on the web Jokes (McSweeneys) -- Hilarious article from Andy Richter. One of my faves from McSwy's. $tars For $ale (Radar Online) -- Also hilarious. A transcript from a prank phone call made by Radar to Star Jones' publicist. Oh, and a review of North Country on this site.
November 3. Oh, the content Two new WoB articles posted: Best Nordeast Minneapolis Bars. The first in a new running feature: Lists: The Series. Review of the Go! Team's Thunder, Lightning, Strike album. Have a safe weekend, friends. Have you signed up for our newsletter yet? It's free, and quite a lot of fun.
October 31. Query of the week I wonder if pro-lifers think it's okay for pregnant women to use the car pool lane.
October 31. New WoB article B interviews minor league ballplayer Pat Neshek.
October 30. Vikings rambling Two good things to come from today's 38-7 Vikings ass-whooping from the Panthers of Carolina. 1. No more doubting who the starting QB should be. Vikings fans know Brad Johnson well; he was our starter for a few years in the mid-90's. So when he returned to 'Sota this year as a backup, I was looking forward to finally enjoying a Culpepper season with the absence of fans complaining about bringing in the goddamn backup every time Daunte slips up. Daunte had the best season in Vikings QB history last year and there were still complaints to bring in Gus Frerotte. Couldn't be the case this season, right? With the soft-tossing Johnson supplanted as the two man -- at least six years past his prime -- there was no way in hell anyone would suggest we remove our All-Pro starter... right? Wrong. After a few dismal games from DC, the cynics returned, suggesting the team's best chances were with Johnson running the ship. Well, Johnson got his shot Sunday and proved he's not a starter. He wasn't terrible by any means, but he's got a weak arm and is slightly less mobile than a telephone pole. Plus he has a huge neck and he looks like Ernie Els. I hope this ends the Culpepper-for-backup cries for good, though something tells me they'll follow Culpepper until he discovers a way to change his skin color. 2. Fred Smoot won't show up to games hungover again anytime soon. Smootie was atrocious today, getting burned by Steve Smith to the tune of something like 450 receiving yards. He looked to be sweating out Alize until mid-fourth quarter.
October 30. Stephen Elliott is the reason I don't write about politics Elliott's thoughts on Harriet Miers' recent withdrawal from Supreme Court consideration: "I guess I'm just surprised that being unqualified is that big of a deal. This is a president who took us to war on false pretenses, continues to link Iraq with the war on terror, turned an enormous surplus into an enormous deficit and still wants to cut taxes for the rich, puts a horse trader in charge of the Federal Emergency Management Association, gives no-bid contracts worth billions to political allies, allows Enron to hijack the state of California's energy supply. All right in front of a lockstep congress. So I'm surprised that these people, Republican senators who seriously still think we're making progress in Iraq, are suddenly concerned about a Supreme Court Justice's qualifications. It sure didn't seem like an issue when they were supporting George Bush for president, possibly the least qualified candidate in our nation's history*. And look what our unqualified president has done: bankrupt the country and embroiled us in a war we can't seem to get out of, a war that has neutralized the opposition simply because it's so fucked up that there aren't any real alternatives. Read more of Stephen Elliott on his blog.
October 28. New WoB article Week 8 of Doin' The Hustle. This is what happens when an overworked college student and a drunk editor stop being polite and start getting real...
October 27. Like Mr. Jon Bon Jovi, I shall go down in what they call a "blaze of glory" A comprehensive list of members of the Chicago White Sox organization that the WoB would like to extend their deepest congratulations on their recent World Series victory:
--- end list --- Yes, the Sox won the World Series this evening. Houston, you have a problem: your team played like minor leaguers during the Fall Classic. Now let us never speak of this Series again.
October 26. Gettin' bloggish up in here, volume II The word on the street is that the WoB peeps dug my blog-like rants from game two of the World Series (see below). One reader even said “I felt your pain, and I liked it.” Well, my pain didn’t subside after the torture that was game three. Errors, walks, blown calls, pitching changes, inexcusably poor hitting in the clutch – game three was probably the sloppiest, most boring game of this season’s playoffs. And since I aims to please here at the WoB, below are a few of my unadulterated observations from watching last night’s game (and, necessary as it was, occasionally flipping to other channels): > Joe Buck tells us that the White Sox deemed Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” as their unofficial theme song after AJ and his cronies heard a cover band perform it at a bar one night after a regular season game. That is probably the least shocking piece of information I’ve ever heard, for two reasons: (1) that the guys – multimillionaire professional athletes – are hanging out at bars where cover bands rock Journey tunes, and (2) that the players actually enjoy that song. Why, they even invited Steve Perry to > Aaron Neville’s performance of “God Bless I need more Aaron Neville in my life. In fact, I propose he join the cast of Saturday Night Live. His performances would be the funniest part of that lame-ass show. I’m telling you, they should just trot him out for two performances each show; once to perform the current number one Billboard single of the week, and the second time to sing the number one Billboard single from 20 years ago (sort of a “turn back the clock” theme). Seeing Aaron Neville perform Kanye West ’s “Golddigger,” followed by 1985 chart-topper Wham’s "Careless Whisper" would be the greatest running segment of all time. "Guil. Ty. Feet. Ha'. Got. No. Rhy. Thuh-huh-huh-hum." If he performed "We Built This City" by Starship I think my head would explode. (For the record, I blame Lorne Michaels for the SNL nosedive. The writers and performers are all talented, but their watered-down antics and undisciplined laughing during sketches all point to a lack of direction. Blame “Dr. Evil” Michaels, who was once respected for striving to be progressive and caustic, not predictable and vanilla. SNL is now a non-factor in the pop culture universe, on par with The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. It wasn’t supposed to be that way.) > Is Ozzie Guillen’s lax enunciations the most annoying characteristic ever? I bet that mush-mouthed blowhard is doing it just to piss people off. He talks like an uneducated second grader who has yet to master tenses. “I tell my players to have heart and continue the battle.” If I were President, I would have Guillen and Ah-nold Schwartzenegger duke it out American Gladiator-style for the honor of which “inexplicably terrible enunciator even after being in > I have a feeling the player who is “miked up” during each World Series game is extremely annoying. You know he’s walking around, being friendly to guys he usually ignores, ripping off jokes and observations he heard from other players, just generally acting like a moron. I hate talking to people who are constantly trying to be “on.” > During the Wild game, the Canucks scored and two of the players actually high-fived afterwards. It was for sure the first time I’ve ever seen a gloved high-five in hockey (as opposed to the ubiquitous fist bump). So goofy looking. It looked like a made-for-TV movie about hockey made by people who’d never actually seen the sport. > Now for the super trivial, useless observation: I love the new Eminem-iPod commercial featuring “Lose Yourself” and the bright orange-red colors. I’d surrender a gonad to have been the art director for that commercial. It’s the best spot I’ve seen since Honda’s Cog, one of the greatest commercials ever (especially since it was done without the aid of special effects). How’s that for ranting? I’m starting to realize why most people write blog-style instead of constructing actual columns: pure laziness.
October 24. You should consider getting the beat; I know we've got it Sometime-WoB writer Jim Cheney has a gig at Broadcasting & Cable's BCBeat blog writing about the World Series. He goes by Mr. Blogtober and his writing is, as always, sharp and funny. Dig it. In an entirely unrelated note, Doin' The Hustle columnist Matt Huss has been set up with an e-mail: matt@worldofb.com. Feel free to send him hate mail. God knows he deserves it.
October 23. Gettin' bloggish up in here I know I wrote just a few hours ago about my hatred for the Chicago White Sox -- a point I’ve been harping on for what seems like months -- but after watching game two…you know what, I give up. Let the White Sox win it. It’s so obviously meant to be. What with every damn blown call going their way, then this business with Paul Konerko’s two-out grand slam, and all the homoerotic celebration dugout humping, and the walk-off homerun by the limp-wristed Scott Podsednik, and all the lineouts by the Astros…it just seems like fate. Those lucky bastards are somehow supposed to win it all. Because let's be honest, If they don’t win it with this much going their way, they’ll never win it. So go ahead. Better yet, make it a sweep. Just get the hell out of my sight. Other random sports notes from the weekend: > In the same article I referenced above, I wrote how much I liked this year’s Astros team. However, I did a 180 when I heard Joe Buck and Tim McCarver gush about how enjoyable it is to be in the Astros clubhouse. Any team that Bucksies and McCrabs like being around is not a team I want to support. No sirree. Still rooting for ‘em, though. > Highly enjoyable Vikes game this afternoon. It looks like Mike Tice saved his job for another week. I can’t believe there’s a team worse than the Vikings, run by an even dumber coach. Who'da thunk it? One interesting on-screen graphic shown by Fox near the end of the game: “Packers: 17 unanswered points in the first half” followed by the graphic below it: “Vikings: 20 unanswered points since.” Well, if the Vikings scored after the Packers, how could the Packers’ points still be considered unanswered? They were answered forthright! Also, did you know there is no way to defend a perfectly-thrown pass? Thanks for pounding that point home, Random Announcer Douchebag Guy. > I have half a mind to file a lawsuit against the Detroit Lions for withholding the information about Jeff Garcia starting at quarterback until Sunday morning. I bet against the Lions on Friday, thinking the hilariously awful Joey Harrington was getting the nod. A proposed rule: coaches should have to divulge such information on Fridays. I feel used. > “There’s no gas shortage in Chicago!” - Tim McCarver after Bobby Jenks struck out Jason Lane. How long had he been holding that one in his holster?
October 21. New WoB article Doin' The Hustle, week 7. Warning: this week's column contains graphic language. And, perhaps scarier, kind words about the Vikings. Proceed with caution.
October 20. New Idea New addition to my Ideas page: Automatic Wiper Lift. Every Minnesotan can describe the dreadful scenario. Dead of winter, you run to your car, jump in, blast the heat and rock back and forth waiting for your car to warm up. Your windshield is covered with snow, and since you don’t want to venture back out into the cold you run your wipers in hopes they can clear off the snow. Inevitably, they are coated in ice and are useless in wiping off the windshield. They don’t even move. Annoyed, you have to step back outside to snap the ice off the wipers; you pick up the wiper blades and drop them onto the windshield. The force from hitting the windshield knocks the ice off the blades, returning them to working condition. It’s a simple task, but incredibly irritating considering the arctic conditions. My idea is this: there should be a way to remove the ice from your wipers automatically. Imagine being able to press a button from inside your car that will lift the wipers up and drop them back on the windshield, clearing off the ice and allowing your wipers to effectively brush the snow away. Doesn’t that sound simple? This is a million dollar idea; everyone hates manual ice-from-wiper removal and would demand this feature in their new vehicles. I also had the idea for heated windshield wipers, but I’ve been told they’ve already been invented.
October 19. New WoB article A new piece from NYC writer Jim Cheney: Give Me Enough Rope. It seems Cheney hates Joe Morgan as much as I do.
October 14. New WoB articles We here at the WoB headquarters have been stricken with an extreme case of sports fever. New articles today include a book review of Bill Simmons' Now I Can Die In Peace and a second installment of Doin' The Hustle. Drink it in, it always goes down smoorth. We don't expect this fever to break until at least mid-November. Our sincerest apologies to those uninterested in the sporting life.
October 12. Acerbic wit, locked and loaded Great obituary in the Chicago Tribune (cribbed from Monkey Disaster)
October 11. Breaking news breaking news breaking news The 4-1-1 on the Vikings scandal
October 11. The one millionth site that's better than mine Okay, so clearly The Superficial is the funniest gossip rag on the web. You'll be able to find it on my Sites page henceforth.
October 11. You can call me Tenacious B I've always enjoyed this Believer Magazine piece, in which author Daniel Handler (i.e. Lemony Snicket) interviews the hilarious Jack Black. Good stuff; Black is a lot more chill than his public persona implies. A few subjects discussed: ice cream cake, Beatlemania, McSushi, Jesus' eye lasers, and Kurt Vonnegut potentially officiating a wedding. Just read it.
October 10. Here I stand, atop my homemade soapbox The following is an e-mail I wrote to Star Tribune columnist Jim Souhan in response to one of his recent columns: "Mr. Souhan, In terms of journalistic quality, I am amazed that your unoriginal jokes and childish potshots found their way onto the pages of an otherwise-respected publication. "Breath on his alcohol"? “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere”? When was the last time those jokes were funny? However, the most appalling aspect to your diatribe was the subject matter. Contrary to what you may believe, alcoholism is not as simple as knowing when to say when. It is a proven medical condition that often needs to be treated with more extreme measures. Unfortunately, it takes more than just willpower. My guess is you've never had a close friend or family member afflicted with alcoholism, which explains your insensitivity to the subject. Alcoholism is a DISEASE, not a punchline. What's next, making fun of Muhammed Ali for his Parkinson's disease? How about poking fun at Barrett Robbins' ongoing struggles with bipolar disorder? Where do you draw the line? I’d be curious to know.
October 7. 'I' finally becomes 'we'! B is happy to announce a new WoB feature: Doin' the Hustle, a weeky football column written by Matt Huss. Enjoy the article, and check this site throughout the weekend for more additions.
October 3. Ladies and gentlemen, Charlie Hustle Not much more needs to be said about Pete Rose after reading this piece. That whole "Rose doesn't deserve to be in the Hall of Fame" claim is about as risky as arguing that Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player ever. Oh how I loathe Pete Rose.
October 3. Three reasons you should be watching Arrested Development 1. It's the funniest show on television. Ask anyone. 2. Tobias Funke's (played by David Cross) profession is a combination of an analyst and therapist, or "analrapist." 3. Scott Baio guest stars as attorney Bob Loblaw. Bob Loblaw. I have never in my life heard a funnier character name.
October 2. Link of the week Reader Annette sent along a recommendation to check out one of her favorite sites: McRorie- One Man Live! I checked it out. I am completely speechless. I am without speech.
October 2. Again, with the lists My "Artists Whose CDs I Will Buy The Very First Day It Is Released, No Matter What" list (in alphabetical order): Beck :: Common :: The Decemberists :: Franz Ferdinand :: Green Day :: Hot Hot Heat :: Iffy :: Kanye West :: Kings of Leon :: The Killers :: New Pornographers :: the Hopefuls :: Outkast :: Strokes :: Weezer :: White Stripes :: Wilco Feel free to contact me with your own list. I am nothing without reader mail.
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