2005 ESPY AWARDS -- A RUNNING JOURNAL

By: B -- 7/17/05

The following is a running journal of Sunday night’s ESPY Awards Show, the annual ESPN event honoring the best in sports.

7:56 -- My favorite part of the pre-awards show was the interview with Serena Williams, which was incredibly tense because her boob looked about ready to pop out at any second.

8:01 -- The opening sequence, showing all the highlights and lowlights of the past year, was incredible. The best parts were, of course, the extended segment on the Red Sox comeback over the Yankees. That story really was larger than life. If anyone were to make a movie based around that premise – underdog team with a rowdy clubhouse of overachievers finally beats the Evil Empire archrivals, breaking an 80-year curse – it would be panned for its unrealistic premise. (I call this the Tiger Woods Effect, but the Woods story – especially his name – is among the most surreal happenings in sports history. The 2000 election, with the Jed Bush subplot, was another example of the Tiger Woods effect.)

8:09 -- Danica Patrick is a lot less ugly than you’d expect from a racecar driver, but I still can’t decide if she’s actually attractive. I’m open to hearing arguments for and against this subject.

8:11 -- Host Matthew Perry’s opening monologue is subpar, with lazy jokes about Jose Canseco and Mike Tyson. He’s too soft on Tom Cruise for his recent egomaniacal episodes. Cruise needs to be publicly vilified, not lightly mocked. He is a terrible person.

8:12 -- Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey present the first award! I’ve recently made it a policy to never mention Simpson (or Paris Hilton) on this website, simply because they are over-publicized considering their amount of talent, but her presence on a damn sports awards show is ridiculous. She gives the award for Best Championship Performance to an obviously-not-surprised Curt Schilling.

8:16 -- In what may or may not be a running list of best looking female athletes (depending on how many there are), Jennie Fitch (presenting an award for Best Breakthrough Athlete to a dapper Dwyane Wade) is a close second to Maria Sherapova.

8:26 -- Peyton Manning wins an award for something, I don’t remember what, and gives a pleasant speech about how much he admires Dan Marino. Hey Peyton, here’s an idea: why not look up to an athlete who actually won a Super Bowl? Maybe then you won’t suck so much in the playoffs. Your hero Dan should have taught you that it’s impossible to throw an accurate pass with both hands around your neck.

Food for thought: Where does Manning rank on a list of homeliest looking athletes of all time? Dammit he’s unattractive. His neck is the exact size and shape of a Folgers coffee can.

8:31 -- Matthew Perry stars in a dreadful spoof sketch about a sequel to Hoosiers, only this time with senior citizens. This wasn’t funny even from the beginning, so the fact that it lasted five minutes was particularly frustrating. Considering this skit and the weak monologue, I’m not liking this writing staff.

8:43 -- Perry redeems himself with a skit about a baseball announcer running out of things to say during a long at-bat. Funny stuff -- a lot like Will Ferrell’s Harry Caray impersonation but less random.

8:51 -- There was an ESPY given away for Best Bowler. Since when is bowling a sport? This isn’t even up for debate in my opinion. Excelling at bowling takes no speed, strength, agility or hand-eye coordination. A sport should include at least two of the four, and any real sport has no trouble justifying itself using this criteria.

You can bowl in jeans. You can bowl without breaking a sweat. You can smoke heaters and drink beer while you bowl. In fact, not smoking and drinking while bowling is generally frowned upon. I mean, I love bowling, but deeming it a sport is ludicrous.

What’s next, lawn darts? Bocce ball? Mini-putt?

9:04 -- Curt Schilling accepts the award for Best Game, given to Boston and New York’s sweet game 5 ALCS game in which David Ortiz drove in the winning run in the 14 th inning. Schilling is so polished and makes so many references to God that I’m starting to develop a strong distaste for him.

9:06 -- Ron Howard stars in a spoof about directing baseball players for a new film. Mike Piazza was surprisingly funny. I always thought he was kind of a doof. I still hate him as a ballplayer though, in the same capacity that I hate any ballplayer who can’t play defense. It shows a lack of dedication.

9:27 -- The past 15 minutes of the show have been devoted to a segment about Arthur Ashe Award recipients Jim Maclaren and Emmanuel Ofosu Yeboah. In short, McLaren was a standout college football player who got hit by a New York City bus and was declared DOA, but came back from the dead and recovered except for the partial loss of his right leg. He quickly became one of the top triathletes in the world, only to be hit by a car during a competition, rendering him a quadriplegic for life.

The other award recipient, Ofosu Yeboah, was born with a leg disability and nearly left for dead in his home country of Ghana, but dedicated his life to educating his countrymen about overcoming disabilities. Both men took the stage and were welcomed with a long standing ovation. Very gripping stuff. A scan through the audience shows many teary eyes. Barry Pepper, that sap, looked like he’d just seen his golden retriever get thrown off a cliff.

9:37 -- The ESPY for Best Play goes to Blake Hoffarber of Hopkins High School! This is astonishing news. When I first saw Blake’s unbelievable game-tying shot while on his back during Minnesota’s state high school basketball championship, I deemed it the greatest basketball shot I’d ever seen. I still hold this opinion.

9:42 -- Another enjoyable skit with Matthew Perry – this time he plays a member of the Perham High School football team from Friday Night Lights, cracking wise while Billy Bob Thornton makes his emotional halftime speech. Skits like this, while not always hilarious or groundbreaking, set the ESPY’s apart from the more popular, and more tedious, awards shows. Another reason I enjoy the ESPY’s? It’s only two hours long.

10:08 -- The Boston Red Sox are honored with the ultimate award: Best Team. No surprise here.

10:10 -- Destiny’s Child caps off the night with a so-so performance, sporting old school stretch pants. This is an unfortunate fashion choice and I pray to God this doesn’t mark their return to the forefront of women’s pants options. On the other hand, more stretch pants means more cameltoe, and God knows there’s nothing funnier than that.

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