2005 ANGELS: MY QUICK FIX

By: B -- 10/12/05

It’s the damndest thing; all of a sudden I find myself cheering for the Angels.

First, let me be clear: I’m not a diehard fan, and I’m not a bandwagon fan. I’m simply a temporary fan. My other teams (the Twins and Red Sox) have dropped out of the playoffs, leaving only two teams left in the AL. And since watching playoff baseball is no fun if you aren’t cheering for a squad, I had to choose one of them.

I’m obviously not cheering for the White Sox. Is anyone outside of Southside Chicago (one of the worst areas I’ve ever visited, by the way) rooting for the Sox? I can’t imagine why.

No one likes AJ Pierzynski (bush league), no one likes Carl Everett (prick), no one likes Aaron Rowand (overrated, oddly-sloped shoulders), no one likes Mark Buehrle (soft tosser, looks like your stoner neighbor in college), and no one likes manager Ozzie Guillen (annoying cheerleader). Gawd, the team’s overall demeanor just reeks. Did anyone see them against the Red Sox in the ALDS? I’ve never seen a team so giddy to be winning a ballgame. And not just intense-giddy. I mean emotional-giddy, as if they were saying, “I can’t believe we’re actually winning! This is fascinating!” After every nice defensive play, the Sox players would look around all wide-eyed and smiley, unable to fathom the fact that were actually not crapping the bed in a big game.

There is nothing more annoying than a baseball team who hasn’t learned to temper their emotions and act as if they’ve been there before (even when it’s a team famous for their late-season choke jobs). Plus, you gotta think the White Sox had luck on their side this season. The Cleveland Indians, who finished 6 games behind the Sox in the standings, scored 49 more runs while giving up 2 fewer. That’s not telling the whole story, but it does mean something.

So, using my impressive powers of deduction (I’m clearly a genius), only one possible team remained: the Angels. So the Angels are my team. I guess.

My attitude toward the Angels has drastically improved since their championship year of 2002. I hated that Angels team, even writing a whiny column about it for my college newspaper. But the times they are a-changin’, and I’ve recently found myself backing the same Angels team I once hated.

To prove to my readers that I’m no bandwagon jumper, I shall present my Top 7 Reasons I Like the 2005 Angels more than 2002:

1. 2005 Twins spared the buzzsaw
A big reason I hated the 2002 Angels involved how they got to the World Series in the first place: by beating my beloved Twinkies. They manhandled the Twins, needing only five games to take the series. Hearing Dan Gladden curse in disgust while broadcasting Adam Kennedy’s go-ahead home run in game five is a moment I’ll never forget.

This season, the Twins were noticeably absent from the playoffs, a victim of underachieving youngsters and an appalling record in one-run games. The Angels had very little to do with the demise of this season’s Twins, so they have been cleared of any wrongdoing.

2. Media darlings no more
America loved the Angels in 2002, or at least the media made it appear that way. The Angels were young and exciting and different and anti-Yankee and blah blah blah. The media-fellatio made me sick. Nowadays, the Angels have established themselves as a veritable West coast powerhouse, so the media has removed the kneepads and treated this year’s squad like any other contender.

3. Angels sans Sandfrog
First, allow me to admit that this factor is highly irrational. In 2002, Scott Spezio (annoying, overrated and funny looking, plus his glove was ugly) was the starting first baseman. Spezio played in a shitty local band called Sandfrog, a minor personal detail that was, for some reason, relentlessly pointed out by members of the media.

The Sandfrog story was the anecdote in the 2002 playoffs. We heard about it during games, we heard about it on Sportscenter, we read about it in the newspapers. If I remember correctly, Tim McCarver was president of the Sandfrog Fan Club.

Spezio is no longer on the Angels roster, so we haven’t had to hear the appallingly boring Sandfrog story during this postseason.

4. Vladdy Daddy
I love Vladimir Guerrero. So do you. How can you not love a ballplayer who (a) hits mammoth homeruns without the aid of batting gloves, and (b) has one of the strongest arms in the business? You can’t. It’s practically a fact. Vlad was not on the roster in 2002; he is this season. Nothing more needs to be said.

5. The Shortstop Switcheroo
As a knee-jerk bleeding heart, you’d think I'd love David Eckstein, the miniature shortstop from the 2002 team. He’s the energetic rally-starter who looks more like a dental student than a ballplayer. The truth is, I can’t stand him. I don’t like his choked-up hacks at the plate and I don’t like the fact that he practically has to crow-hop to chuck the ball to first.

This season the Angels have Orlando Cabrera at short, a vast improvement in defense, clutch hitting and pubescence. Eckstein is making the absolute most out of his talent, and I respect him for that, but I didn’t necessarily enjoy watching him play.

6. Improved clubhouse atmosphere
2002 Angels who are no longer on the team: Kevin Appier (grumpy old jerkoff), Ben Weber (bespectacled spaz) and Shawn Wooten (I have firsthand knowledge that he is one of the biggest pricks on this planet, no kidding).

2005 members who were not around in 2002: Vlad, Cabrera and hometown slugger Robb Quinlan. Clearly, a major upgrade in the roster department.

7. The Monkey obsession has subsided
I hated 2002’s Rally Monkey gimmick. The Rally Monkey was unnecessary and annoying; it felt contrived – something that was more appropriate in Angels In The Outfield rather than an actual Angels game. Everyone hated that thing. In fact, I think that deep down even the monkey hated himself.

I hated the Thunder Stix even more. They were extremely obnoxious, and not in a “wow, this is really giving the Angels home-field advantage!” kind of way, but in a “those Angels fans sure are desperate to make as much noise as humanly possible with almost no physical effort.” Why couldn’t they just use their hands and voices like the rest of America? Plus, Thunder Stix are unnatural in a baseball stadium. You may as well have Gong Night.

In 2005, the Rally Monkey and Thunder Stix are markedly absent from the Angels repertoire. They still seem to have a presence at the stadium, but they are nowhere near as ubiquitous as 2002.

Thus, the 2005 Angels are a much more likeable squad than their 2002 version. And yes, they still have the supremely overrated (and disturbingly unattractive) Darin Erstad. Jerrod Washburn still looks like a gopher, John Lackey still looks like a cross between Napoleon Dynamite and Bubba from Forrest Gump, and the Angels fans still seem to be wholly uneducated on the sport. So they’re not perfect.

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