ANNUAL BIG TEN MASCOT CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP

By: B

The annual Big Ten Mascot Conference Tournament took place last week at the Michigan State University campus. The lowest four seeds engaged in a qualifying tournament Wednesday to determine who would earn the eighth and final seed in the conference tourney.

The number 8 seed, the Minnesota Golden Gopher, was pitted against the perennial cellar-dweller Hawkeye from Iowa. When the match started, the Gopher employed an exit strategy, trying in vain to leave the ring by nervously scurrying up the walls. After an unsuccessful 24 minutes of trying, the Gopher apparently felt hungry and slowly crept up to the Hawkeye. The Hawkeye, which is technically the eye of a hawk, was obviously incapable of movement and had no defense. After a few tense moments of sniffing, the Gopher promptly ate the hawk's eye. With the victory, the Gopher was one step closer to the elite conference tourney. He was caged and fed by his trainer as Iowa fans booed and peppered the ring with corncobs.

The next match, against the Buckeye from Ohio State and the Wisconsin-born Badger, ended almost as soon as it began. The Buckeye, which is a poisonous nut, was quickly devoured (and subsequently thrown up) by the angry Badger, giving him the win. He gallantly urinated in the ring and scratched the face of his owner. The Gopher, watching the match from the stands, had to have felt intimidated by the sheer wrath exhibited by the Badger.

The Gopher again tried climbing the walls and out of the ring against the rabid Badger, and was again unsuccessful. The Badger, recognizing fear, ran after the Gopher and clubbed it clear across the ring, rendering the Gopher lifeless. After the Badger was crowned and caged, the Gopher trainer sadly picked up his pet by the tail, put him in a shoebox and threw him in the trash. It was a difficult scene to watch.

The Badger was unable to make it out of the first round of the tournament, however, as he was savagely manhandled by the top seed Nittany Lion. Hailing from Mount Nittany, near Penn State University, the Lion took a record nine seconds to leap on the Badger and pin him. The lion's tamer quickly scampered into the ring to make sure the fracas did not elevate into a savage death. The Badger was returned safely to Wisconsin, where he was run over by a car almost instantly.

Other action in round one: The Hoosier (since no one knows the exact definition, Indiana resident and furniture salesman Doug Hopkins was chosen as the representative by winning a radio contest) was brutally murdered by the second-seeded Wolverine from Michigan. Doug attempted to use his ballpoint pen as a weapon but the Wolverine, unfazed, pounced and hastily bit off the top two-thirds of his head. Feeding ensued, resulting in a substantial fine for the Wolverine.

The Boilermaker, Ted, an actual manufacturer of boilers in Purdue, upset the number three seed Spartan when the Spartan got a leg cramp and had to bow out. The Northwestern Wildcat toyed with the Fighting Illini (a member of the Algonquian tribe and resident of Illinois) for a full two minutes before eating him.

The semifinals pitted the mighty Nittany Lion versus the recently fed Wildcat and the Boilermaker against the Wolverine.

The Wildcat, a female, was no match for the strong Nittany Lion. The lion stepped on the Wildcat's recently-pedicured paws, gouged out her eyes and pinned her before being whipped by his tamer. In the other match, the Boilermaker pulled off a tremendous upset by using a spiked malice against the Wolverine. His first swing landed squarely on the Wolverine's jaw, causing it to reel backwards and yelp in pain. Ted then moved in and punched the Wolverine between the eyes. The Wolverine clawed at Ted's face but missed, and Ted then delivered a stunning roundhouse kick to end the battle. Ted proudly took a victory lap and was pegged by debris from the irate Michigan fans.

The finals were Sunday afternoon and the stadium was sold out. Ted the Boilermaker wore a Purdue basketball jersey to accentuate his back hair, his paunch causing a strain in the fabric. He lustily stroked his mustache and winked to the crowd when his name was announced, though he was visibly convulsing with fear. The Nittany Lion was all business and had no reaction when his name was announced to the boisterous crowd. It was almost as if he didn't understand the language.

Smelling fear, the belligerent Nittany Lion ate Ted immediately. He was crowned 2004 Big Ten Mascot Champion and was presented with a plaque, which will be proudly displayed in the trophy case at Penn State.

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