DEAR MIKE TICE...

By: B

Dear Mike Tice,

I often tune in to Dan Barreiro’s KFAN radio show when you are being interviewed. You regularly take phone calls from guests, trying in vain to dumb down the game of football so they understand your decisions. Though most of these questions are simple and irrelevant (“Are you going to sign Byron Chamberlain?”), some callers are know-it-all hacks who need a lecture. Specifically, I’ve noticed you are still faced with the issue of sticking up for Daunte Culpepper to callers who continue to question his ability to lead a team, even though he’s having an astounding year. I want to help. When you are confronted with this type of caller, please consider the following for an appropriate response:

“Thank you for your phone call. I appreciate your support and I’m glad you follow the game so closely. Your complaint about Daunte Culpepper is not a new one, and while I’m sure you feel strongly about his shortcomings, I welcome the opportunity to respond to this claim.

"Daunte Culpepper is the best quarterback in the NFL. By nearly every measurement, including passer rating, number of touchdowns, completion percentage, and more, there is no better quarterback in the league. Daunte continually scrambles his way out of trouble and always hits the open receiver. While he’s obviously not perfect, it is quite obvious that his skills at quarterback are closer to perfect than anyone else in the league. Yes, I realize he makes mistakes, and I understand these mistakes cause you to jump out of your recliner and scream obscenities at your television, but know that he makes fewer mistakes than every other quarterback in the league.

"You know that Daunte Culpepper has the best quarterback rating in the game, right? (wait for response.) Yeah, it’s 127, which I’m sure you’ll find is a number usually only attainable on video games, and only on the easiest setting. This is a comprehensive statistic taking into account touchdowns, interceptions, completion percentage, yards per completion and more, and it shows that Daunte is better than Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Donovan McNabb, Mike Vick and all the others. So since you complain that Daunte isn’t good enough, you would obviously complain about every other quarterback in the league even more, since they’re not as good as our QB.

"This is an important point, sir, and one that you should always keep top-of-mind: you think the best quarterback in the league isn’t quite good enough. If you lived in Indianapolis, you would most assuredly be calling in to talk radio programs to vent about Peyton and his lack of mobility. You’d hate Donovan in Philly (who doesn’t throw enough touchdowns), Brady in New England (for his poor completion percentage) and Favre in Green Bay (for his number of picks).

"So when you open your mouth to complain about those at the top of their game, just know that anyone who knows the game of football has already written you off as the typical know-it-all who has to complain about anything and everything. You scream at your television, arguing that you could have completed that pass, or you could have called a better play on third down, or you would have tackled that guy. Try to keep in mind that you are at home, eating buffalo wings, and that you’ve never actually coached a football team. So next time you want to complain about Daunte Culpepper, try to take some perspective and realize that you’re lucky he’s on your side. You are free to complain all you want, but directing it at Daunte will tell everyone within earshot that you’re an ignorant hack who knows nothing about the game. The choice is yours.”

Hope this helps!

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