DOIN' THE HUSTLE: WEEK 6

By: Matt Huss -- 10/14/05

Atlanta (-5.5) at New Orleans
Both teams are coming off tough losses; Atlanta lost a heartbreaker at home against New England with Ron Mexico out and Matt Schaub under center, while New Orleans got their asses handed to them by the lowly Packers (obviously forgetting to wear their Under Armour, because everyone knows: "If you don't get pumped when you put on the Armour - you got no pulse, man!")

One would expect most teams to motivate themselves after such an embarrassing loss to Green Bay, but the Saints are a different story. They lack everything that Under Armour brings to the table: motivation, passion, fire, and pride. Sometimes I feel like the Saints aren’t even watching the commercials. And that’s just really sad.

After a loss like that, Jim Haslett's team is actually more likely to mail it in than try to avenge themselves (and the fans they supposedly represent). Add to the fact that Deuce McAllister is out for the season and Aaron Brooks isn't, I'll take Atlanta to come back strong after a disappointing loss like a championship contender should.

My Pick: Atlanta

Carolina at Detroit (-1.5)
Ah yes…yet another example of Vegas getting all hot and bothered for a team who overachieved the week before. And yet again, Carolina gets to take advantage. Lucky bastards.

If you remember, Carolina was a three-point underdog at Arizona last week, mainly because Arizona schooled the lowly 49ers the week before. End result? Carolina beat the spread and earned me an easy $100.

Last week Detroit beat down an enigmatic Ravens squad who played like they just wanted their season to end so they could return to their prison cells. Detroit's only reliable playmaker, Roy Williams, is most likely out for this one, and Charles Rogers is serving a four game suspension for violating the league's substance abuse policy (though it’s tough to blame a guy for turning to illegal substances when Joey Harrington is his quarterback).

And where has Mike Williams been? One catch all season? Where's the boner-inducing Monster In The Middle that everyone expected? If we see it on Sunday, we won't see enough of it for Detroit to pull this one out.

My Pick: Carolina (and to win)

Cincinnati (-3) at Tennessee
What's going on here? Cincy only a three point favorite at Tennessee? What happened to Carson Palmer for MVP? What happened to the Bengals being this year's Panthers? Why isn't Sean Salisbury on his knees with a bib and knee pads in front of Marvin Lewis anymore?

Oh yeah, because Cincy still hasn't yet proven they can beat a decent squad. They lose to a tough, physical Jacksonville squad last week and suddenly Vegas has lost all respect for them. This is where we, as sports gamblers, have to take advantage. The Bengals go back to playing a shitty team this week -- and they also go back to beating them (and the spread).

My Pick: Cincinnati

Cleveland at Baltimore (-6)
Not only is Baltimore the most penalized team off the field, but it's starting to spill over onto the gridiron: 21 penalties plus two ejections last week in an embarrassing loss to Detroit. How will they react now that the Vikings are challenging them for their title as the most morally inept team in football? Is this the game where Ray Lewis finally breaks down and stabs Kyle Boller to death? How bad do you think this team wants Trent Dilfer back?

My Pick: Cleveland

Jacksonville at Pittsburgh (-3)
Tough game to call on a Thursday since the status of Big Ben is still uncertain. However, if word comes before game-time that Charlie Batch will be starting on Sunday, do what the entire city of Detroit would do: throw down on the Jags.

My Pick: Jacksonville (and to win)

Miami at Tampa Bay (-4.5)
When it comes to gambling on a game like this, the last thing you want to do is look at a team's overall record. Case in point: Tampa Bay is 4-1, but they are 0-3 against the spread in their last three games (including a loss at NYJ, and victories against Detroit and Green Bay by a combined five points). The Bucs are barely squeaking by, doing just enough to get the W every week. And when a team is doing Just Enough, you don't ever want to bet on them when they're giving 4.5 – especially against a tough, physical, determined team like Miami.

Why am I so high on Miami this year? I don't know. Maybe it's the second-hand smoke coming from the Dolphins bandwagon (Thanks, Ricky).

My Pick: Miami

New York Giants at Dallas (-3.5)
I hate the Giants this year for one reason: Their fantastic play hasn't given me any chances to bust out my list of Eli Manning jokes...yet.

Funny how everyone is jumping from the Bengals' to the Giants' bandwagon. FOX is running a piece on how Eli might lead New York to the Super Bowl this year, while the "experts" on NFL Live are promoting their episode on how Eli might be better than Peyton.

Anyway, games between these two teams are way too unpredictable. Anything can happen, no matter the talent level between the two. With that said, I'm going to go with my gut on this one...

My Pick: New York

Washington at Kansas City (-5.5)
Why hasn’t ESPN created a show devoted to fantasy football yet? Can you imagine the ratings? It could air every Friday, or every night as part of the Trifecta (replacing Outside The Lines if it were my choice). Instead, we are stuck watching features on SportsCenter like "Gamebreakers" where Sean Salisbury breaks down the value of guys who shouldn't even be on fantasy teams – like Mark Brunell, for instance. Ridiculous.

Of course, ESPN would have to shell out some more money to hire some real experts in the area. Did you happen to catch the ESPN fantasy football draft at the beginning of the year? Suzy Kolver took Brett Favre in the first round because "he has heart," and "he told me he was more determined this year." You’ve got Michael Irvin taking any and every black WR in the NFL, and Ron Jaworski drafting everyone on the Kansas City Chiefs. Meanwhile The Shwab developed a case of the "Sticky Pants" because of all the first round-worthy players that kept falling into his lap.

And can we throw out the term "fantasy geek" already? I can't stand it when Scott Van Pelt (the worst SportsCenter anchor EVER, by the way) uses that term every time he kicks it to Salisbury for "GameBreakers." Are you telling me he isn't in a league? Something like 70% of males between the ages of 18-35 are involved in fantasy sports. I’m guessing this translates to 70% of males in America hating Van Pelt (I know all of 'Sota does).

Anyway...where was I? Oh yeah, football picks. Kansas City coming off a heartbreaking loss to Philly at home, followed by a bye week…that’s just too many factors to ignore.

My Pick: Kansas City

New England at Denver (-3)
Denver has won four in a row. Jake Plummer is their quarterback. This has to end soon, right?

My Pick: New England (and to win)

New York Jets at Buffalo (-3)
Boring game, but at least this gives me the perfect opportunity to put in my two pennies on the White Sox/Angels game from last night. And I'll make it quick since I'm sure you're all sick of hearing about it already:

A). Josh Paul caught that ball. If there was any doubt in his mind he would have tagged the runner.

B). Eddings freaked out. He didn't know what was going on and he didn't know what to do.

C). Let's try not to turn this into a "Bartman" incident. Everyone remembers what Bartman did, but shouldn't Cubs fans have forced Alex Gonzalez into hiding after that error? The most relieved person in this whole "blown call" fiasco, and the real culprit, is Kelvim Escobar. He didn't check the pinch-runner (when Ozzie was sending anyone and everyone to steal second in the first two games), then he got lazy with his delivery allowing a stolen base that didn't even warrant a throw from the catcher, followed by an 0-2 hanger that looked like the pitches Bobby Abreu saw in the Home Run Derby.

D). Props to A.J. Pierzynski. Yeah, he might be a "bad guy" or an "irritant," but he's a winner. Would the Twins have mailed it in like they did if A.J. was still around? Hell no. Would they have played with passion until the end if he was still with them? Hell yes. Ballclubs need a guy like that. A guy who will light a fire under his teammates. A guy who isn't afraid to tell it like it is. You don't have to like him in the clubhouse as long as everyone does their job on the field. The creator of this finely built web page referred to A.J. as "bush league." Maybe, maybe not. I'd rather call him a "winner." I could go on and on about this. Do I smell an e-mail argument? (B’s note: oh it’s on, bitch.)

My Pick: New York Jets (and to win)

Houston at Seattle (-9)
Seattle joins the Vikings and the Saints as the three most unpredictable teams in the NFL. Coming off of an emotional victory on the road against their archrival Rams, this is exactly where a team like the Seahawks have a huge letdown.

Remeber when Matt Hasselbeck won the toss in OT vs. the Packers two years ago in the playoffs, and made his infamous "We're gonna get the ball and we're gonna win!" statement? This is the type of game where the entire Seahawks team has the "We're gonna show up and we're gonna win!" attitude. And they probably will win as long as they have Shaun Alexander - but I don't like them beating the spread.

My Pick: Houston

San Diego (-2) at Oakland
The last time Randy Moss was on Lake Minnetonka he was holding a fishing tournament to raise money for needy kids. You gotta believe that Ol' Numba Eighty-Fo’ is lovin’ it like McDonalds right now. He's gonna stick the knife even further into Vikings fans' backs after he goes off for 200 yards and three touches in this game. The only question is this: Will he rub it in and just hand the ball to the ref after his scores? Or will he mock his former teammates and fans and get on his knees and fellate the football? Please let it be the latter.

My Pick: San Diego

Minnesota at Chicago (-3)
Ahhh, where to begin? I could probably write a 10,000 word opus on what happened on Lake Minnetonka last week, but I'll try to keep it short and sweet. (And yes, I am also lovin’ this, because the Vikings' off-field disgraces are one of the reasons I'm not a "loyal fan." How can you live and die with a disgusting group of immature, undisciplined losers like this bunch?) What happened on the lake last week was yet another example of how a team takes on the characteristics of their coach - in this case, stupidity.

Memo to Vikings players: You are not actual Vikings! The nickname is not literal! You can't go around raping and pillaging as you please! But let's look at the positives: Nothing creates more team unity than sharing orifices with some tramp, or sharing an old lady's lawn as a urinal. Soon enough they'll be sharing herpes cream and Carmex.

But look on the bright side, Vikings fans! Mike Tice has guaranteed victory over the Bears! I know, I know - that's just as ridiculous as Jason Giambi winning the AL Comeback Player of the Year award, but hey, at least there’s hope. That's all Vikings fans have had for 50 years and it's all they'll continue to have for 50 more. I'm just going to stop now before I end up emailing B a novel.

My Pick: Chicago

St. Louis at Indianapolis (-13.5)
You have to believe that the Rams organization is trying their hardest to ensure that Mike Martz gets the worst doctors possible to care for their head coach... or at least that's what the fans are hoping. The smart ones at least.

However, Martz will still manage to lose this game from his hospital bed, not that St. Louis' defense will need any help – look for Peyton Manning to return to his 2004 form in this one.

My Pick: Indianapolis

Last Week Just Winners: 9-5

Last Week vs. Spread: 9-5

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