DEAR FRANCISCO LIRIANO...

By: B -- 4/3/06

Dear Francisco Liriano,

First off, I want to express my excitement to watch you pitch for my hometown team this upcoming season. Your talent and potential have been unanimously hailed throughout the organization, and I’m hopeful you can meet these expectations and help bring a championship to Minnesota.

That said, we need to have a talk. This is not your typical fan letter. You see, I read in the newspaper the other day that you were recently arrested on DUI charges. This worries me. You are a prosperous lad -- flush with cash, groupies galore, prime of life, all that -- so I understand you are wont to partying. And that is fine. Hell, good for you. God knows I’d do the same in your situation. But deciding to get behind the wheel after a night of drunken gaiety is a careless decision no matter how you slice it.

The good news is, I am not writing to lecture you. I am writing to propose a solution.

I want to help.

You’re going to be spending a lot of time in the Twin Cities this season, club-hopping and whatnot with your vast assemblage of cronies. You’re going to get quite drunk, quite often. There will surely come a time when you find yourself too tipsy to legally drive. You’re going to need a ride home. This is where I come in.

When you find yourself in such a scenario, I want you to call me. I will come pick you up. I don’t care when, I don’t care where, and I don’t care why. If you are in the metro area, do not hesitate to call and ask for a ride home. I’ll even give you a “half-hour or less” guarantee, much like Domino’s Pizza before they had to rescind because their delivery drivers were running pedestrians over just to beat the clock. Punch in my cell (you’ll probably want to put me on your speed dial), tell me where you’re at and the number of peeps in your entourage, I’ll hustle my ass your way and bring you home.

I know what you may be thinking: “But B, why don’t I just call a cab?” This is a reasonable question, one I have obviously anticipated. I’m quite confident my services are vastly superior to a cab’s in a number of ways. Let me count them.

1. I will bring you food. When you call for a ride, feel free to ask me to pick you up some chow on the way. What’s your favorite drunk food? Taco Bell? White Castle? Doesn’t matter. You place your order; I’ll have it for you when I arrive. And don’t worry about spilling foodstuffs in my car. I’ll clean that up later.  

2. I will also bring Pedialyte. Nothing proactively treats a hangover like guzzling Pedialyte before bed. You probably know that already, since Pedialyte has long been utilized by professional athletes to ward off headaches. I will have as many cold bottles of the ‘Lyte that you need, in either Grape or Fruit Punch flavors. Whatever you prefer.

3. You can choose the music. Do you enjoy drunk singing/rapping on the way home? I’ll bet you do. Everyone does. And since it’s your world, I’ll let you select the way-home tunes. Shoot me a list of your favorite songs, I’ll compile them into an iPod playlist and we can rock it all summer long. My iPod is your iPod, friend.

4. I’ll hang out with you afterwards, if you want me to. There may come a time when I drop you off at your place and you aren’t tired. You may want to stay up for a while, watch some tube, play a little PlayStation, work on potential dance moves in the mirror. It’s quite possible that you’ll want a comrade with you for these always-enjoyable after-bar antics. If you don’t have any posse members at your disposal, you can feel free to invite me inside to hang out. I will say yes.

To sweeten the deal, I want to suggest a solution to another scenario you may find yourself in this season: What should you do if you’ve driven your vehicle to the club and are now too drunk to drive? Getting home is one thing, but you obviously don’t want to leave your phat ride at the hotspot. Listen, I can empathize. And here is my solution: while I transport you and your pals home, our merry crowd laughing, stuffing our faces with chili cheese burritos while shout-rapping Biggie’s “Juicy” with the windows rolled down, my roommate Spoon will follow us in your car. He may not be the conversational powerhouse I am, may not have the groupie smooth-talker abilities found in yours truly, but in a pinch he can get the job done. Drive to the bar all you want. You need not worry about getting the car home. That is of my concern. Your job is to throw strikes and keep the ball down in the zone.

I will presume that, at this point, you are cautiously intrigued. You know this is an enticing proposal but you still likely have one important question: what is the fee for a service such as this? I’m glad you asked, because that’s the best part: it’s free. No charge whatsoever. I’m not kidding. I’ll do this for you because I want you to succeed in the major leagues. I want you to help my Twins make a World Series run. I help you, you help me. That’s the deal.

Not to mention, you seem like a decent young man with a solid head on your shoulders. I want to shield you from any and all dealings with Johnny Q. Law. Consider this a Big Brother-Little Brother type friendship. Seeing you turn into a respectable citizen will be payment enough.

And, I would never ask outright, but if you felt like directing one of your lady friends my way, sort of an unexpected thank-you gesture from you to me, I won’t turn her down. If you feel it necessary to repay my efforts by throwing some groupie box in my direction, that’d be completely acceptable. I will treat her with a respect and tenderness she will never have dreamed possible. I am not black, but I will rock her world as if I were. That is a promise.

If you would like to discuss further, please contact me via email and we can arrange an in-person meeting. I thank you for your time, and am looking forward to becoming your friend.

Best regards,

Brandon Broxey
brandon@worldofb.com

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