MEET THE 2004 MINNETONKA MILLERS!

By: B -- 6/2004

Among the distinct sounds of spring and summer include melted snow draining into sewers, lawn mowers chewing up grass and a sharply hit baseball from a wooden bat. The latter is the most pleasing to many Minnesotans, and this is even truer for fans of the renowned Minnetonka Millers amateur baseball team. Yes, another year of competition is upon us, which means more fans lining up to see their Millers compete. This year, an outcry has come from the Millers' loyal followers: "We want to know more about you!" Sure, the Millers are constantly signing autographs and posing with fans for photos, but that isn't enough. How about some details?

Most players from the 2003 championship team are still with us, though there are a few noticeable absences. Scott Coolong is gone, though the greatest thing he ever did was get hit square in the face with a high-and-tight fastball, and it was only great because no one had ever seen that before. Also, not returning is that one guy who looks like Minnesota Twins manager Ron Gardenhire. Old whats-his-name, he was a decent pitcher, most likely of Norwegian descent.

But you care not about the 2003 team; you want to know who is around this year! Following is a description of the current players, in numbered order. This is to be printed out and carried with fans at all times for future reference.

#2- Brandon Broxey. Begs to be involved in conversations, refuses to shut his mouth. His constant need for communication at all times strikes other Millers as pathetic and annoying. Lefty, overweight, likes to throw his slider.

#3- Ike Pohle. Wants to be Tom Cruise; it's so obvious. Ike is a former pro ball player and is still strong as an ox. A pleasant conversationalist, Pohle's favorite chit-chat subjects are gardening, karate and the movie Cocktail. Starring Tom Cruise.

#4- Kevin Hoy. Head coach of the Millers, might as well be known as Mr. Miller. The players really appreciate his intensity during the games and poetic post-game speeches. Well-liked by all, usually provides the beer. Drives a sweet car, went to school at UMD, known as an aggressive base coach.

#5- Chris Urbain. Introduces himself as "Urby." Does not respond to Chris anymore. Urby can literally smell fear in pitchers and inflicts the wrath of God into belt-high fastballs. Good jump on balls in the outfield. His only downside is his glove, which is far too floppy.

#6- Geoff Bray. Submarine right-handed closer. There is no one else like him in the entire state of Minnesota. He is a hoot on the bench, doing impressions and cracking wise at all times. Bray is different on the mound, where he has a perpetual face of absolute terror. Imagine the face of someone who just accidentally farted loudly on a first date- that is the face Bray makes on the mound.

#7- Tony Kurtz. Catches damn near everything in the outfield. One can bet that if a person shot an Aspirin out of a potato gun into deep right-center, Kurtz would be camped and catch it in his back pocket. Inexplicably wears soccer socks during games, has really nice bats, seems to be in good physical condition, sense of humor is understated yet sarcastic. He'll make you laugh.

#8- Mitch Swaggert. A cool dude. Mitch is a left-handed starting pitcher who displays a sweet, looping curveball that can bring opposing hitters to tears. His teammates suspect he has a crush on Stevie Van Zant, a point that Swags neither admits nor refutes. He simply looks at the ground, shoves his hands in his back pockets and kicks a pebble.

#9- Matt Parrington. Nicknamed Parr, pronounced like the fruit. Parr's baseball style perfectly mirrors his personality. He is calculated and calm and rarely makes a mistake on the diamond or in life. He never swings at a bad pitch and never misjudges a fly ball, just as he never says anything stupid or tells a lame joke. In the same way he doesn't pop up at 3-1 pitch, he doesn't say things like, "I'll tell you why you're wrong" or "Am I right or am I right?" or "Hey, great story, jackass." Parr is solid all around. Hits second in the order.

#10- Tony Richards. Richards grew up in North Dakota where he dined consistently on hay and un-pasteurized milk. The result is forearms as big as a tree trunks and, sadly, unending constipation.

#11- Adam Goethke. Gates is a relief pitcher who doesn't show up to games and can't throw because he has arm problems. Needless to say, he doesn't get much PT. Inexplicably likes Billy Joel's music and mentioned that he thought the middle brother from Hanson was a "super hot" young girl. One time puked and crapped his pants at the same time.

#14- Joe Levitt. Levy is in serious need of an attitude adjustment. Is currently serving a ten-game suspension from Coach Hoy for drop-kicking an opposing shortstop trying to break up a potential double play. To make matters worse, just afterwards he picked up a handful of dirt, spit in it, threw it in the second baseman's face, kicked him in the shins, flipped the bird to the pitcher and slowly sauntered off the field. All to break up a double play. His heart is never in question. A left-handed hitting first baseman, Levy watches games from his car in the parking lot while secretly listening to Brooks & Dunn.

#17- Derrick Mason. Youngest player on the team, which is not always a fun job. A list of Mason's pre- and post-game duties include: driving Millers to the game, carrying water jug, carrying bats, carrying catcher's equipment, ordering supplies, picking up said supplies, making sandwiches, retrieving every foul ball and homerun, polishing shoes, cleaning and disinfecting wounds, paying umpires, opening beers for legal teammates, cleaning up beers (and vomit) in parking lot, driving Millers home, taking blames when other players get in trouble from their wives. Mason is a pitcher, but will not step foot on the field for at least three years.

#19- Jason Cierlik. The Millers' version of Mitch Williams. He has crazy stuff, suitable for the bigs. He also walks a lot of people and bravely sports a mullet, just like Williams. Does not like anyone making fun of his mullet. Favorite song is "Just a Friend" by Biz Markie, fell asleep on the bench once.

#21- Dave Bigham. No way to describe Biggie. He often talks on his cell phone between innings, making business deals while chewing one sunflower seed at a time. Biggie is often naked in the dugout before games. Does inappropriate things with inappropriate parts of his body, has a nasty changeup.

#22- Brian Seesz. Lefty catcher, used to play pro ball. Now he's a back up. Poor Seesz. Gets concert tickets for teammates, wears stylish shades during the games and often will paralyze people with laughter. Or so he says.

#24- Rob Deuth. An import from the city league, Rob still hasn't adjusted to the easy living of suburban sporting events. He keeps a combination lock around his fire-proof, metal baseball bag and refuses to look anyone in the eye. Obviously terrified of strangers. When a Miller tried to give Rob a high-five at the first game, Rob gave his wallet to the teammate, dropped to the ground and curled up in the fetal position, visibly terrified.

#26- Ryan Dalum. Obsessed with guns. Named his dog Remington- swear to God. This sickness may stem from his college years at Southwest State University, in the pathetic ghost town of Marshall, Minn. More bad things will not be said about Dalum because B.) He is the webmaster and would surely edit any negativity pointed in his direction and B.) He's obsessed with guns!

#27- Corey Ekhoff. Huge muscles, talks about them all the time, leading other Millers to make direct efforts to not talk about the size of said pipes, which are admittedly enormous. Makes at least two errors a game when Broxey is pitching, is possibly harboring ill will toward the brash youngster. Power to all areas of the field, swings a heavy bat and plays third base.

#33- Steve Schmitz. Recently had a kid, celebrated by shamelessly dumping texas-leaguers to all areas of the diamond. Smiles a lot, biggest pretty-boy on the team. The original metrosexual, he even purchased blue cleats. Schmitty plays nearly every inning of every game at shortstop, where he makes strong throws and then complains about his arm. Orders beers two at a time, cries when games are rained out.

#39- Ross Roehle. Is Ross the assistant coach? We think so. He throws stellar BP, catches bullpens and can often be found either coaching first base or stealing chew from other Millers. Roehle wears holey sweatshirts and has been heard whispering under his breath, "Keep antagonizing me, hotshots." Most Millers are scared of Roehle on account of his lengthy prison record.

#44- Mike Berset. One of a kind. Wear short shorts before the game, stirrups during. Uses a P72 Louisville Slugger. To know him is to love him. Or hate him. Either way, he doesn't care. Awesome at making 1.) pizzas and 2.) fun of others.

#47- Jay McKenas. Just below the surface of his friendly, generous personality is a blind rage that scares the bejeezus out of his teammates. If Jay is thirsty, players are falling all over each other trying to get him some water. If he's hungry, Millers will jump in the car and pick him up a sub. J-Mac is probably affiliated with the mafia. Has not said a word since he arrived, commands respect.

#54- Rob Wheeler. (Webmaster's note: Rob Wheeler's entire bio has been erased on account of crude language and an extremely graphic sexual story.)

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