PEACH FUZZ AND ME: B'S THEORY

By: B

It seems that all my sex ed. teachers over the years were right when they said that puberty changes a person. I should know - I just went through it this past summer. Yes, you've heard it here first; your local sports writer is back; only this year I've got back fat and a forest of nose and ear hair. But on the plus side, my voice doesn't crack as much.

You're probably wondering what in the world puberty has to do with sports. Believe it or not, the thyroid gland is the wild card in sports- especially sports dealing with younger athletes. After the realization of how important and unnoticed this phenomenon is, I am going to introduce my first theory of the year, the Peach Fuzz Theory. This can help explain many of your sporting queries.

The Peach Fuzz Theory can help explain why the little league world series champion is always the team with the biggest kids (and why Danny Almonte absolutely dominated). Are they the best athletes? Maybe for the time being, but not overall. They'll be riding their peach fuzz advantage for a while, but soon it will catch up to them. The Peach Fuzz Theory works both ways.

We all know these types of people. They love the PFT when it's on their side; when they're unstoppable, huge, and comfortable in front of the ladies when the rest of us children are putting on deodorant and shaving once in a while just to try to act like an adult. But slowly, the PFT comes back to haunt them.

Around high school, other kids start to catch up to them in height and strength, and all of a sudden they're riding the bench or playing JV. And they are not happy about it. By senior year, they've inexplicably turned into the Annoying Drunk Guy Who is Always Looking for a Fight. You wondered just what in the hell happened to that guy?? But now you know, the Peach Fuzz Theory worked its horrible charm, and now your friend has to take anger management classes directly on its behalf.

This theory also parlays into professional sports. It can help explain how a sub-par athlete like Shaquille O'Neal (can't make a free throw, no jump shot, bad turnover-to-assist ratio) can still be a force in the NBA. His out of control thyroid gland is directly related to his obnoxious bank account. It's simply unfair.

Wonder why no one mentions Wilt Chamberlain's name when the topic of greatest NBA player comes along? Even though he may have been the most dominating, it was his thyroid gland that deserved the credit.

Major League Baseball is still the best example of how the Peach Fuzz Theory can truly affect the game. It's obvious that steroid use is prevalent in the game. The reason steroids are so unfair is because whoever takes them is, in effect, going through puberty twice. Think about it.

Athletes who are on 'roids are bigger, stronger and faster. I can tell you from experience, this is the same formation you go through when making the rocky venture through puberty. Steroids are simply puberty in a needle. And the normal hardworking, healthy athletes are suddenly the puny seventh graders who don't stand a chance trying to play 21 with the brutes. It's sad, isn't it?

So go ahead, embrace this theory. Bring it up in a conversation once in a while. When you hear about a former high school super-athlete who suddenly sucks in college, remember the theory. And you can tell your friends. Yeah, he was good back in the day but, well, you know - Peach Fuzz Theory, dude.

If I became a college recruiter, I would definitely use this theory when talking to potential recruits. Can you show some pictures of yourself in junior high? I just want to see how big you were compared to the other kids. Also, how often do you shave? Sounds creepy, but I firmly believe in the PFT.

If my theory is correct, I should potentially be able to hit a ball farther than like 20 feet in front of the warning track this season. Of course, if I can't, then I know which way to go. Call up some Mexican friends, purchase some artificial puberty, bend over, and stab away (and don't stop until my head is the size of Barry Bonds').

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