THANKS FOR THE LESSON, YOU NO-TALENT WASTE OF ROSTER SPACE

By: B

I was yelling at a friend the other day because of his movie tastes. This isn't unusual for me. I told him to think of one movie that he hated -- just one -- because he seemed to like even the most pathetic and formulaic movies. He didn't think for more than five seconds before he answered, “Rudy.” And it makes sense. The friend I am talking about is a college athlete, and there is no one hated more by athletes than a teammate like Rudy.

The movie Rudy tells the story of a no-talent football fan from a blue-collared family of Notre Dame Irish backers. Rudy Ruettiger, the main character, tells everyone that he is going to play football for the Irish someday, which ignites laughs from the men and sympathetic smiles from the women.

There's no way that Mikey from the Goonies can play football for the most revered program in the country, right? Wrong. After some splendid studying by the dimwitted Ruettiger, he finally worms his way in to the hallowed halls of Notre Dame. He even gets to try out for the football team, and because of his intensity and thick skull, is awarded a spot on the practice squad. He hustles nonstop and gets to suit up and actually take the field in the last play of his last game. Pretty wonderful, huh?

However, the movie didn't show Rudy getting absolutely pounded by his teammates after another practice in which he made them look bad. The viewer doesn't realize in the course of that sub-par movie that teammates hate guys like Rudy. He isn't an inspirational character; he's a fairy tale! Rudy is a great movie for people who sucked at sports.

Why should teammates like Rudy? He doesn't help the team win games, he frustrates the other guys who don't need to work their ass off just to get a spot on the team, and obviously doesn't care about bonding with teammates.

The movie is cute at best and downright sappy at worst. Either way, there is no reason to despise this movie unless you know a type of athlete like Ruettiger. Any athletes will tell you that the coaches' favorites are, without fail, the least athletic and most annoying on the team. If your coaches like you, chances are no one else does. Same goes for Rudy.

So why are the team members who work the hardest always the ones that are the worst? What choice do these non-athletic types have? The athletic guys are on the team already, because they know how to win. The only chance that the other guys have is to act like Rudy.

This is not good -- we in the sporting world would like to do away with any Rudy who ever thought of trying out for a team. I don't care how much he wants to play, because if he gets in the game he isn't going to do anything anyway. It doesn't matter if he lifts the hardest or does extra push-ups in the locker room -- he is just hiding that he isn't good at anything else. I would hate to be that guy.

So what is the most far-fetched part of Rudy? The scene where all the players give their jerseys up for Rudy so he could suit up in his last game. Why did these guys care so much? He wasn't any good and chances are they all got yelled at more on Rudy's behalf.

And why would the coach be so against Rudy suiting up? This makes absolutely no sense. I'm not guaranteeing it didn't happen in real life, I'm just saying it's a long shot. It's hard to believe that the players would really like Rudy and that the coaches wouldn't. Sounds too Hollywood for me.

Rudy was the alpha male of ass-kissers. He showed off by hustling more than the real athletes on the team, which only tells us one thing: Rudy was no athlete. He alienated himself from the others on the team with his unabashed sucking up. Suck is definitely the operate word when describing an athlete like Rudy.

Not to mention the movie.

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